4 'No Big Deal' Things People Do That Make Their Partners Secretly Resent Them
You think it's nothing. They think it's everything.
Aiony Haust | Unsplash When it comes to causes of resentment, neuroscientist Laura Otis offers some prime causes: "A parent may resent having to perform household duties while his or her partner engages in travel, education, and fulfilling work. An employee may resent disrespectful, humiliating treatment."
Poor communication, such as expecting your partner to read your mind or not discussing problems, also contributes significantly. But there are other subtle things people do that might unknowingly be just as likely to secretly stoke the fires of resentment in their partners.
Here are four no-big-deal things people do that make their partners secretly resent them:
1. Lying by omission
Lying by omission means lying by omitting something from a conversation. For example, when asked why you are late coming home, you say that you stopped at the bar for a drink, but you omit that you were there with a friend your partner doesn’t like. You know they would be upset, and you don’t want to hurt them or cause any drama.
Have you ever lied to your person because you want to protect them? Have you ever thought that what they might not know might not hurt them? Have you ever purposely not disclosed something because you were scared of the emotional fallout that might follow?
What to do about it: Consider your words before saying them and, more importantly, the intentions behind the ones you say — and don't say. Two reasons why lying by omission is considered a thing:
- The first is that you are keeping something from your partner, and that is a lie that will only pave the way for more lies.
- The other is that if you are ever caught in one of your lies, your partner will lose trust in you and, going forward, might be suspicious of everything you tell them. So, be honest. Always.
2. Not following through on commitments
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Do you and your partner ever agree to do something, and then one or the other of you doesn’t follow through? Do you not follow through because you didn’t want to do it, or because you forgot, or because time didn’t allow it? Do you try to sweep it under the rug or make excuses?
Not following through with something without a reasonable explanation is a sign of contempt — that you just don’t do something for whatever personal reason, and neglect to talk with your partner about the 'whys and 'how's will sow the seeds of substantial disrespect and resentment.
What to do about it: Make an explicit agreement that when one of you wants to make plans involving the other, you will give your partner precise details, making sure they have all necessary information, and that those plans will then be kept unless something urgent comes up, or you both agree to a change.
My man and I used to have this problem all the time. When we finally talked about it, we learned that when we make a plan, I assume it’s a done deal, and he assumes we are still going to talk about it. That is just how we both operated before our relationship.
We realized we needed to be more explicit about our plan — did we decide to do it, or is more preliminary discussion necessary? Knowing these things has made following up easier for both of us.
3. Making light of something their partner cares about
I had a boyfriend once who hated how hard I slammed the door of his truck. I didn’t know that I was slamming it. I thought I was closing it like I closed any old car door. But I guess I was closing it too hard, and he didn’t like it.
Of course, I thought that he was being ridiculous. It was a big, huge truck, and, really, how could little old me cause it any real damage? We bickered about it all the time.
In retrospect, I now understand why closing the truck door with such force was a cruel, thoughtless act. He loved that truck and wanted to take care of it, and he felt like my slamming the door would harm it — and, by extension, it harmed him each loud, forceful time.
I pushed back every time, but it should have been important to me to respect that this was important to him and do everything I could to try to remember to close the door more softly.
What to do about it: Is there something your partner does that they love, but seems ridiculous to you? If there is, accepting it instead of pushing back could make a huge difference for your relationship.
Consider how many of your things your partner doesn't get at all, as far as why they're so important to you, but they love all of you, so they're willing to put up with the stuff they don't understand, or even attempt to get involved to show their commitment.
Even if you don't understand the significance of whatever matters so deeply to your partner, you don't need to. Just give it the same respect you owe your partner.
4. Being inconsistent
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One of the most difficult things for me about my ex was that he became a different person in different situations. When he was with me he was wonderful, open, honest, and kind.
When he was with his family and his friends, he was a different person. He laser-focused on people and then talked about them behind their backs. He said things that were patently untrue to make them like him more. He chose not to speak to me but instead to mingle with everyone. He was always the last one to leave a party, no matter what I wanted, because he didn’t want anyone to think he wasn’t cool.
Are you the kind of person who is a chameleon in your life? Do you act differently in social situations and perhaps treat your partner differently?
What to do about it: Doing this can cause way more resentment than you might realize. So, pay attention to how you are in social situations and do your best to keep your behaviors consistent.
Acting this way can not only cause resentment but sow distrust, especially if you criticize the same people you show a friendly face to. Consider how this could affect your relationships, including friendships, and work toward being more intentional and sincere in your actions and communications with your partner and others.
Trying to prevent resentment in relationships should be the primary goal of each partner. Those thousand little cuts can negatively impact the health of your relationship even more than overt things like leaving your underwear on the floor.
So, pay attention. Don’t lie, follow through, respect what is important, and be consistent. You will be glad you did. And your partner will appreciate it even more.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life coach and mental health advocate. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be.
