It Is NOT A Man's Job To Stay In Shape For His Wife

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Men, Do NOT Stay In Shape For Your Wives

It's imperative for married men to completely and unapologetically let themselves go.

YourTango writer, Amanda Lauren — whom I've never had the pleasure of meeting — caught a bunch of guff, for lack of a better term, over an article she wrote. The post's contents are nearly too explosive to reiterate, even in abstract.

She suggested she would succeed in her marriage partially by staying relatively thin and attractive for her husband. Members of the internet commentariate incensed.

As a man, it's not my place to make a statement on, frankly, any of this. I wouldn't dare. I do know, though, that men should go out of their way NOT to stay in dynamite shape for their wives.

First of all, it's not a man's job to look attractive; it's his job to do other stuff, sometimes involving a spear or a graphing calculator. (Yes, he may have partially won a woman over with his biceps and showy asymmetrical haircut, but if she prefers the rockiness of his abs to the content of his character, then she may as well find out now that she deserves neither.)

It's been said that men are "visual creatures," but I've seen a woman or two stare unblinkingly at a Magic Mike poster for the better part of 45 minutes. But does possessing two or fewer chins make a man a better husband? I'd argue no.

Gym time equates to less time with his wife and/or children or at work supporting them. I suppose he could take it easy on the carbs here and there and get one of those new-fangled standing desks, but other men will suspect him of being up to "something."

That kind of ostracization from other men can't be good. It'll force him to bring home the feelings of helplessness and quiet desperation that he usually sheds by engaging in lighthearted camaraderie with friends.

Much like the sage wisdom "Happy wife equals happy life," a happy husband can't be a bad thing. Think about it: Would a guy rather be kicking back with a seasonal microbrew to an episode of Jessica Jones, or would he rather be tomahawking kettle bells with a bunch of single, 24-year-old no-necks? It's a rhetorical question!

Furthermore, "giving up" on his body is liberating. Remember how happy Ron Livingston's character Peter was in Office Space after the hypnotist made him not care any more? I didn't see the end of the film but he probably just became happier.


Can you imagine living with someone that happy? That's what a husband who has thrown off the shackles of Men's Fitness, Men's Health, Men's Muscles and Men's Biceps covers can be like.

Furthermore, the threat of other women is ever-present. They see a guy with a ring and nice square shoulders, and they immediately start ovulating. And let's face it: a guy in really, really good shape is probably gushing testosterone like an East Texas oil derrick in 1908.

That T-juice leads to bad decision-making, especially when there is literally no chance of any ever finding out. A man should never be tested like that. Even Brad Pitt, probably the closest man alive to the Dalai Lama, failed that test.

What about the woman's needs? Yes, that's a concern. In fact, it's a major one. Belly fat and testosterone are natural enemies, like sleep and guilt. While no scientist has been able to pinpoint if women like sex, many appear to. Theories abound as to why, but that's not important; what is important is that she gets it from either at home or from a very, very reliable source.

Since the latter may end up in a child of questionable paternity or some level of general humiliation, it's probably best to keep it at home (unless a prior deal expressly allowing "shenanigans" has been struck). That means a man must not gain too much weight and probably lay off porn lest he be unable to perform his husbandly duties... unless he has a real loosey-goosey doctor who won't hesitate to prescribe boner pills, and in that case all bets are off.

As you can plainly see, it's imperative for married men to completely and unapologetically let themselves go if they want to have a happy, healthy marriage. The secondary upshot is no one will get too bored because they don't really have to worry about living past 65.