20 Undeniable Signs Something's Really Wrong In A Relationship You Thought For Sure Was Love
Love shouldn't make you feel anxious or scared, among other things.
Kyle Loftus | Unsplash Abusive behavior isn't always as obvious as physical abuse, like being hit or shoved, or verbal abuse such as being called degrading names or cussed out. Abuse can often be underhanded and subtle.
You may find yourself feeling confused about your relationship, off balance, or like you are "walking on eggshells" all the time. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you and occurs more often as you become more entrenched within the relationship.
All abuse takes a severe toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless. In addition, most mental abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault.
Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened. Here are signs to watch out for if you think you or a friend may be in a relationship where something is seriously wrong.
Here are 20 undeniable signs something's really wrong in a relationship you thought for sure love:
1. They humiliate or embarrass you
Maybe you're out to dinner and your partner orders the salad for you, saying, "Yup, been packing on some extra pounds, they'll just have a salad!"
Or when you scan the wine list, they laugh at you in front of the waiter (and everyone else in the restaurant) and tell you how stupid you are and why you would think you know anything about wine — just leave it to them.
2. They constantly put you down
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"You know, you'd be prettier if you wore some makeup" or "You should actually try to do something with your hair instead of being so lazy" isn't even close to a back-handed compliment. It's just wrong.
3. They criticize the smallest things
"How could you possibly get this wrong? It is the simplest thing a chimpanzee could do. Just add water. Let it boil."
It's spaghetti. Not the LSATs. But criticizing you is a defensive tactic that abusers frequently use to make their victims feel inferior.
4. They refuse to communicate or give you the silent treatment
After a fight, your partner won't talk to you (including texts, emails, calls, or anything else) for over a week. This isn't giving them space. It's them punishing you.
Research indicates this dynamic can lead to feelings of anxiety, fear, and abandonment, as well as a decline in self-esteem and increased feelings of distress. This can be a form of emotional abuse, especially when used to exert power or control within a relationship, and is a strong predictor of relationship breakdown.
5. They ignore or exclude you
When your partner finally brings you along to their weekly dinner with their family, they end up completely ignoring you the whole time, even when you politely or kindly attempt to join the conversation, so you can be a part of the discussion and be acknowledged in the room, period.
But before anyone can say anything, your significant other pays you no mind or purposefully interrupts you to butt you out.
6. They aren't faithful
They might try to defend their actions by saying something like, "It doesn't mean anything! Stop being so sensitive and don't invade my privacy like that!"
As if they hadn't just opened up what was previously your exclusive, two-person love life (which is, of course, about more than just privacy — it's a violation of intimacy). Maybe you're at a party together and you see your partner flirting with someone else or checking them out — from head, all the way down to toe.
Perhaps you see them exchange phones (clearly exchanging numbers) and your partner giving an understanding nod as they walk away, right before they bump into you, alone and hurt. It's not "just flirting." Even if it were, it doesn't justify their behavior.
7. They use sarcasm at your expense
"Oh, great, it's just that time of the month again. I get it." This is neither a way of exiting a conversation with any reasonable excuse, nor is it an explanation that has anything to do with the matter at hand.
They'd just rather chalk up any potential issue or inferiority on their behalf to something they think they can pin on you. Over time, this pattern can erode the foundation of trust and make it hard to feel emotionally safe in the relationship. Studies by The Gottman Institute indicate that sarcasm, along with other behaviors like contempt and passive-aggressiveness, is a strong predictor of relationship breakdown and divorce.
8. They are unreasonably jealous
Stealing your phone, breaking into your laptop to read your emails, or listening in on your conversations is never normal, let alone acceptable, behavior in a healthy relationship.
9. They are extremely moody
Lately, you find yourself tiptoeing around certain issues with your significant other, in the hopes that they won't go flying off into one of their unpredictable rages.
Everything feels like walking on eggshells, and every time you call them, you're never quite sure which version of them you'll get on the other line.
10. They mock you
Instead of being your support system, you feel like you have to fend for yourself around your partner, even when you come home. Nothing you ever do is right, day in and day out, even if it's "all in good fun."
11. They say, 'I love you, but ...'
Is it even love then? Because it can't possibly feel like it. According to relationship experts, while the 'but' might seem like a simple conjunction, it can negate the positive impact of the initial statement and lead to feelings of rejection or uncertainty. This is because the 'but' often introduces a criticism or qualification of the partner's behavior, making the expression of love feel conditional.
12. They say things like, 'If you don't _____, I will _____'
Ultimatums are a clear indicator of someone who's trying to manipulate you into getting what they want and likely doesn't have your best interests at heart.
If there are always strings attached, it's time to cut them off for good.
13. They attempt to control you
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Maybe your partner has asked you to move in or quit your job, so you can "focus on yourself" while they get the upper hand in making financial decisions. Seems like they're more focused on controlling you, instead of you finding anything (or anyone) that may be better for your life.
14. They withhold affection
If you aren't compliant with their opinions or desires, then they'll just give you the cold shoulder and roll over in bed and hug the corner, leaving you marooned, cold, and lonely — all because you didn't give in to their childish demands?
15. They subject you to guilt trips
"I can't believe you would ask me to do this when I've already given you the whole world."
You were only asking for them to help you make dinner. Are they that self-sacrificing? While appropriate guilt can be a healthy motivator for growth and positive behavior, guilt trips involve the inappropriate and manipulative use of guilt. A 2021 study concluded that guilt-tripping can shift the balance of power in the relationship, creating an environment where one partner holds emotional dominance.
16. They make everything your fault
You're the reason the dry cleaners lost their shirt. Their car broke down because you forgot to remind them to take it in for its inspection. Their cat got sick in their shoes because you didn't feed the cat in the right bowl. Seriously?!
17. They isolate you from friends and family
Maybe it sounds like a seductive offer to move to a different locale and try out a new life where your partner got a new job offer, and you'll be thousands of miles away from friends and family.
Think carefully before you leave your current job and start packing, though. Perhaps that's exactly what your significant other wants — to have you all to themselves, where you have no one else to turn to.
18. They use money to control you
Saying that they'll support you while you explore your "passions" or help you "through a tough time" is one thing, but be mindful that it doesn't become another, where they use financial assistance as a way of monitoring what you're doing, what you're purchasing, where you're going, and who you're spending your time with.
19. They constantly call or text you when you aren't together
If they want to keep tabs on you at all times, even if you've given them no reason to believe you're going anywhere strange or out with anyone they might disapprove of, this is a sign that they don't trust you, due to their issues.
It also interrupts your quality time with family and friends, and it needs to stop. Research argues that while it might seem like a way to stay connected, excessive communication can create distance, breed resentment, and hinder healthy relationship dynamics. Needing constant reassurance through texts early in a relationship can be a red flag for codependency, where one person's sense of security is tied to the other's attention.
20. They threaten suicide if you leave them
This is a sign that your partner needs real help that you cannot give. Tell them you will not participate in manipulative behavior like this, and that you are going to contact a trusted friend, family member, or professional help (who can take over from here).
Know that their issues are not your responsibility, and you cannot change their mind one way or the other in a situation like this, and you cannot be in a relationship where threats like this can exist. The best thing you can do is leave.
It's important to remember that abuse of any kind, whether psychological or physical, is never your fault.
Abusers are expert manipulators with a knack for getting you to believe that the way you are being treated is your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and they use those insecurities against you.
Abusers can convince you that you do not deserve better treatment or that they are treating you this way to "help" you.
Some abusers even act quite charming and nice in public so that others have a good impression of them. In private, though, it's a different story, which can feel quite baffling.
If you see yourself in these words, know that there is little hope for your relationship to improve. It would take a monumental amount of insight and motivation for the abuser to change, and unfortunately, this is rarely the case.
If you are in an abusive relationship, I urge you to get out, with professional help if needed. Often, the first step in leaving the abuser is obtaining counseling just to rebuild your self-esteem so that you can leave.
I particularly want you to know that you may love this person, but that they do not love or respect you. I assure you that in time, you will get over this person if you break it off. You will be making the right decision ... no looking back.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. Support is available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Brittney Lindstrom is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Rehabilitation Counselor.
