5 Things Highly Secure People Do In Relationships While Everyone Else Plays Games
Love has no place for nonsense.
Anna Maloverjan | Canva Isn’t it wonderful being in a new relationship? Getting to know that new special someone, looking across the room at them, and getting butterflies in your tummy. Hours spent sharing your hopes and dreams for the future. Holding hands. Romance. Rampant insecurity.
Wait. What? When we first get into a new relationship, we feel very confident because having someone new in our lives is a very heady experience.
And yet, as we become attached to someone, feelings of insecurity can arise because with attachment comes the fear of loss. And the way we act because of that fear of loss can hijack many a new love affair. Who wants that? Surely not you, as a highly secure person who refuses to play games.
Here are five things highly secure people do in relationships while everyone else plays games:
1. They remind themselves of their worth
Think about the person you were when you were single, the time when you weren't questioning your self-worth because of some guy. Who was that person?
Did you have a job that you love and that you are good at? Did you run marathons? Did you have a few great friends who you love to spend time with? Did you like to go to movies and try new food? Did you have a dog that thinks you are God’s gift to the world?
This person is the person you want to remember when you are feeling insecure. This is the awesome person your guy chose to date in the first place. And remember that you are so awesome that more than just one guy out there wants to date you. So if this one doesn't appreciate you, too bad for him.
2. They take charge of how they live
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Do not, I repeat, do not sit around and wait for any man to call — or any woman for that matter either. Time spent sitting around waiting for your life to start is time wasted.
You have a life to live, so live it. Do your work and do it well. Go to yoga. Eat out with friends. Walk your dog. Do all of the things that make you feel good about yourself and do them often.
Not only will you feel good about yourself for doing the things that you love, but when your guy reaches out to see you, you will be so busy that he will wonder why you aren't busy with him. And making him wonder is always good.
According to a 2018 study, securely attached individuals are better equipped to navigate relationship challenges, manage stress, and maintain healthy boundaries, leading to increased life satisfaction and well-being. Their ability to regulate emotions and foster open communication creates a positive cycle, benefiting both themselves and their partners.
3. They don't obsess over likes and comments
One of the things that you should not do to keep yourself busy is spend time on social media. Even on a good day, social media can lead us down the road to despair.
Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), the fear that the rest of the world is going on around you as you just sit there, on your phone, is a real thing in this modern day. Time spent watching how other people are living instead of living yourself is always time wasted.
Furthermore, spending any time — at all — stalking your suitor will only lead you to trouble, especially if you can’t find him or see him doing something with someone you don’t want him doing things with, innocently or not. It will hurt.
So again, go live your life. Don’t sit around and see what someone else’s life looks like.
4. They radiate self-assurance
The more attached we are to something — whether it be a man or a friend or a coat — the more we fear losing it. And the fear of losing something can cause us to act in ways that might seem foreign. That super self-confident woman you usually are might get replaced with the shy 8th grader you used to be. Not ideal.
But do know that while you may be feeling insecure at the prospect of losing this new person in your life, they might very well be feeling the same way too. They might feel like if they text you, they could appear too eager or if they stop by your desk, you might find them too needy.
Does that sound kind of familiar? Kind of like how you're feeling? How does it make you feel knowing that they might be feeling the same way too?
Kind of relieved, perhaps? Less insecure? Good. Secure individuals possess empathy and are skilled at understanding their partner's feelings. Research argues that this sensitivity allows them to recognize shared experiences and emotions within the relationship, reinforcing the understanding that they are not alone in their feelings.
5. They play out worst-case scenarios to put things in perspective
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This is a question that can be applied to a variety of life situations but its best application is right here. You are in a new relationship, one that is days or weeks old, one that you've lived your entire life up until recently without.
Ask yourself: "What is the worst that can happen?" The answer? That you will lose this relationship. So? There are more fish in the sea. That you will embarrass yourself? You've done that before and survived. That you will have a great conversation and maybe another date? Well, that wouldn't suck.
Keep in mind that the worst that can happen isn’t that you will drop dead if you send a text or that you will end world peace if you ask him to dance. And, with that in mind, take a step confidently in his direction.
Be the rockstar that you are. Because really, what’s the worst that can happen? We all want to love and be loved. This we all know to be true (although sometimes we are loathe to admit it). And in the pursuit of love, we often find ourselves losing ourselves in our attempt to please others.
But don’t let yourself go. Remind yourself every day how amazing you are, that anyone would be lucky to have you, that if this relationship doesn't work out, there will be another (because there will be), and that the world won’t end no matter what action you take.
Be the person that someone wants to fall in love with. Be the person you can fall in love with, too.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life coach and mental health advocate. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be.
