6 Habits Of Couples Who Grow Gracefully Into Old Age Together, According To Psychology
Growing old together doesn't just happen without a strong foundation to build upon.
Jan Kopriva | Unsplash Healthy relationships in which couples age gracefully into old age together are balanced and reciprocal. There should be a feeling of equality regarding the effort you each make to create a successful union.
For instance, you should both take an interest in each other, show gratitude for each other, and hold each other in high regard. If your partner isn't bringing out the best in you or you can’t count them, alarm bells should go off.
Here are six habits of couples who grow gracefully into old age together, according to psychology:
1. They practice trust and speak with honesty
Trust is vital and foundational to your relationship. You should feel confident your partner has your best interest at heart and will not do anything to harm you. You should feel they are trustworthy and honest based on their behavior and what they say.
You should always give the benefit of the doubt until you see, hear, or know otherwise. You should not be worried that if you are honest and forthcoming there will be a negative consequence.
2. They commit to resolving conflict
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There should be open, productive, and respectful communication, even during conflict. There should be no insults, intimidation, or abuse of any sort. It should always feel safe for you to bring your issues and concerns to your partner, and they should feel the same way toward you.
Research consistently highlights the vital role of communication and commitment in couples' ability to resolve conflicts constructively and build healthy, lasting relationships. Choosing moments when both partners are calm and receptive to discussion increases the likelihood of productive dialogue and reduces the risk of escalation.
3. They live by shared values
Values are more important than (and not the same thing as) similar interests. You should both see eye to eye on core beliefs about things such as monogamy, commitment, children, careers, religion, substance usage, asking for help, how time is spent, where to live, life goals, and so on.
You should also agree on the boundaries between you and others in your circle (such as friends and family). You should enjoy spending time together, but there’s also room to be yourself outside of the relationship. If either of you feels you are doing something that goes against your core values, you will have intense friction and unhappiness.
4. They share their inner worlds
You both should be sharing your history — the good, the bad, and the ugly. Share events that have happened to you both past and present. Communicate your fears and troubles, your family history, and so on.
Sharing should happen in a gradual and measured way. Get a sense of the reaction. Are your disclosures met with empathy and compassion each time? If the response doesn’t feel right, are you able to give feedback, and is this person's course correct?
When your trust was shattered by those who were supposed to take care of you in the past, talking about these details can be difficult. But if you choose to shut down and not share, it will result in distance and disconnect between you.
This involves being vulnerable, open, and actively engaged in understanding a partner's perspective, which leads to greater intimacy, trust, and resilience in the face of life's challenges. The Gottman Method, founded by renowned American psychologist John Gottman, emphasizes this by teaching couples to express needs using 'I' statements and actively listening to their partner's perspective.
5. They show empathy toward one another
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You should both be kind-hearted and caring toward each other. You should be able to lean on each other and be supportive. You should both feel bad and apologize for things you did wrong to each other.
You should both feel a sense that your best interest is at heart. You value and discuss each other’s beliefs and opinions. There is no one-up/one-down position, and you both should feel like equals. You can understand each other’s perceptions of a situation even if you don’t agree. This may not happen all the time, but it should most of the time.
6. Express affection regularly
Unique to a romantic relationship, as opposed to a platonic friendship, you should also share physical intimacy and affection. The relationship should evolve at a comfortable pace with neither of you pressuring the other for intimacy or commitment too soon.
Couples who engage in regular physical intimacy report higher levels of relationship satisfaction and commitment according to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Regular physical touch, including affectionate gestures like holding hands or cuddling, can help further build connection and love within a relationship.
Also, realize that developing physical intimacy is both easier than and different from developing emotional intimacy. With emotional intimacy, you both feel close and connected from the sharing of feelings, expressing understanding, affirming each other, and showing you care. Emotional intimacy should come before, or at the very least, keep pace with, physical intimacy.
Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice, relationship expert, and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships.
