7 Problems People With Poor Relationship Skills Have That Drive Away Potential Partners
People with poor relationship skills often unknowingly push people away through their own unintentional behaviors.
Jimie Luangrath | Unsplash If you don’t know why you continue to push people away, you may find it more difficult to change your behavior, because you're not sure what you're doing wrong in the first place. Identifying possible reasons can be an important first step toward regaining intimacy in your relationships.
While it's important to cultivate self-confidence and demonstrate genuine interest in others, most don't recognize the behaviors to avoid unintentionally driving away potential romantic crushes. What do these behaviors look like?
Here are seven problems people with poor relationship skills have that drive away potential partners:
1. You struggle to commit because there's endless options
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There are seemingly endless romantic prospects! Page after page. Swipe after swipe. So many potential partners, so little time! Too many choices make choosing more difficult, not less.
If you think you're missing out on the next great option, you won’t settle on one particular person. You're also more apt to ditch a potential relationship sooner instead of trying to resolve friction or ride out a rough patch knowing so many other options are available. Taking the “stock market” approach — constantly buying and selling — affects your engagement and effort when dating.
2. You don't know how to have basic conversations
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A significant portion of communication is non-verbal. Facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact, and body language provide critical cues to help you understand and respond to others effectively.
Face-to-face conversations (and even phone or video conversations) are essential, but often the less popular mode of communication. Much can be miscommunicated or misunderstood using texting, which is now the most popular method of communication (especially for dating). I’m sure some potentially great relationships tanked early due to some misinterpretation of a text message.
Research acknowledges that modern dating can be confusing and anxiety-provoking for many, and various factors can contribute to this difficulty, including fear of rejection, social anxiety, and lack of opportunities. While difficulty initiating contact with potential dates can be a symptom of various challenges, it doesn't automatically indicate poor relationship skills. It's important to be open to learning and practicing new communication skills to build confidence in dating.
3. You regularly flake on people
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People with poor relationship skills readily flake out, fail to follow through, or thoughtfully express themselves. The most unequivocal evidence of this is what’s now termed “ghosting.”
This is when someone (the “ghost”) suddenly ceases communication with no explanation, leaving the other person (the “ghostee”) bewildered. This not only shows a lack of accountability in dating but worse: a lack of empathy.
4. You find social media confusing and hard to keep up with
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What to do or not do on social media is a big challenge for modern dating. Knowing what’s acceptable (and on which social media profile) is daunting.
For example, what’s appropriate if you are just starting to date? What about if you are in a full-blown relationship? What if the person you’re steadily dating doesn’t update their relationship status?
What if they do it too soon? Is it okay to follow exes? Like their posts? What do you do if you break up?
The bottom line is that there are varying rules, behavior, and etiquette whether you are interested in someone, starting to date someone new, in an exclusive relationship with someone, or just broke up with someone. There’s a lack of consensus on what is acceptable and what is not.
Navigating social media's impact on relationships successfully requires open communication, establishing healthy boundaries, and prioritizing open dialogue. Research suggests that heavy social media use can lead to difficulties with in-person communication and understanding non-verbal cues, which are vital for building strong relationships.
5. You struggle to meet people the 'old-fashioned' way
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I realize that people do meet in real life. But online and app-based dating is a reality, and it’s here to stay. There’s a good bit of research that concludes that partners who meet online have successful relationships.
The odds of meeting a potential romantic partner are also significantly increased when you venture into the online dating world. Also, know there’s a dark side, too.
Online dating platforms allow more opportunities for deceit and unkind behavior. Perhaps it’s essential to also remember that most humans in the natural world are looking down at their phones or are using earbuds, hence lowering their chances of meeting organically anyway.
6. You don't want to put in the necessary time and energy
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Dating feels like hard work, and often, there is a lot of wasted time. Meeting Mr. Wrong, even just for coffee, is an hour you'll never get back. As much work as it is, it is work that should be done, nonetheless.
Dating is a process to help you find the person you may wish to one day commit to, live with, and have babies with. Therefore, it’s the most important work you will ever do! There are limited other options to find a mate than putting in the work (unless you go the route of an arranged marriage — likely not your thing).
Some individuals are referred to as 'emotional vampires' who drain the emotional energy of those around them due to poor boundaries and low emotional intelligence. They may create negative experiences in interactions and may not be aware of how they are impacting others. Research argues that healthy communication is key to addressing imbalances and managing expectations.
7. You have trouble navigating gender roles and politics
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Showing romantic or intimate interest in someone, particularly in heteronormative dating, has taken some serious twists and turns throughout the years.
Men are fearful of offending and women are afraid of being victimized creating polarization between them. What it means to be respectful and receive explicit consent should not be so confusing, yet it is.
Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice, relationship expert, and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships.
