10 Habits Of Resilient People Who Heal The Quickest After Divorce
They bounce back and rebuild better.
Roberta Sant'Anna | Unsplash Learning to heal after a divorce is a long-term process with both positive and negative outcomes. It is helpful not to view your divorce as a complete failure but as a legitimate solution to some marital and family distress that became unhealthy or intolerable.
A study of reaction and adaptation to divorce showed that "people who will divorce are less happy than those who stay married, even before either gets married. The association between divorce and life satisfaction is due to both preexisting differences and lasting changes following the divorce." Despite the many nightmare divorce stories, there are habits resilient people have learned to quickly adjust and move forward post-divorce.
Here are 10 habits of resilient people who heal the quickest after divorce:
1. They accept the end of the marriage
Accept that you are not, and will no longer be, married to your ex-spouse. It's time to develop a new identity that is not tied to your ex. Holding on to a lingering attachment will only produce more stress.
2. They have a functional post-divorce relationship with their ex
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Make peace with your ex. It’s time to forgive. Separate your role as a parent from the role of a "spouse." It is time to negotiate some new boundaries.
3. They take the time to grieve
Let yourself go through the grief process. The end of this process should have an acceptance phase. Do not get stuck on long-term self-blame, guilt, or anger.
Divorce coach Cindy Holbrook advised, "Even if you're the one who initiated the divorce, you will still grieve because you are not only mourning the loss of your marriage, but you are also grieving the loss of your hopes and dreams — the belief of what you thought your life was going to look like. Divorce grief is more than just sadness. Divorce sadness is real, too, of course."
4. They get an attitude adjustment
Work hard to develop a realistic understanding of what happened. Each individual must understand their contribution to the dysfunctional behavior pattern that led to the outcome of the marriage. Accepting responsibility leads to empowerment to do something about it.
"Romantic relationships, marriages, and long-term connections can be really hard — it’s normal to have some ups and downs," explained psychologist Dr. Courtney Warren. "That said, if you find yourself in a toxic pattern of communication with your mate that’s characterized by blaming, name-calling, disrespectful dialogue, or contempt that is damaging your physical, emotional, or spiritual well-being, it may also be time to move on.
"Being in a relationship with someone who has toxic tendencies is associated with trauma responses (hypervigilance, obsessive thinking, reliving events), symptoms of depression and anxiety, biological consequences (difficulty sleeping), and guilt or shame."
5. They firm up their social support system
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Find alternative sources of support. It is best to avoid another intimate relationship while you are healing. It is detrimental to become dependent on the children to meet your emotional needs. Get support from a therapist if your alternatives are limited.
Research on resilience and divorce adjustment in adults participating in divorce recovery workshops found "participants significantly benefited from the divorce workshop in terms of divorce adjustment, and level of resilience before the workshop significantly and positively contributed to their divorce adjustment after the workshop."
6. They learn to co-parent
Co-parent with direct communication. Regulate your emotions so you are not tempted to behave poorly toward the parent of your child. Avoid overdependence on or competition for the children.
Divorce coach Karen Finn recommended, "Co-parenting is about making it safe and easy for your children to have a relationship with both parents. Children will do anything to make sure they have access to them. It is a form of having access and connection to themselves. Co-parenting may have as many rules and pragmatic considerations as it does benefits. But, if two adults can rise above themselves, they can model the best when it comes to relationship and social skills for their children."
7. They help their children get through it
"Creating a space for dialogue with children leads to a substantial improvement in feelings and relationships," stated a 2020 study of dealing with the long-term effects of divorce through parent-child relationships. Parents should discuss the reasons for separation and divorce with children in age-appropriate ways that do not place blame on anyone in particular. Encourage children to express their emotions about it. If you have a child who tends to internalize, a therapist who works specifically with children can be valuable.
Children will require even more emotional support from you, which is often hard to give during this time. It is inappropriate to suddenly burden your children with adult responsibilities.
8. They take advantage of opportunities for learning and personal growth
Often in therapy, when helping people post-divorce, there is a goal to help the individual develop feelings of capability and competence as a "single" person, especially after a long-term marriage. You need to find new sources of meaning in your life and create a "new beginning."
9. They learn to handle the legal process
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The legal process often worsens the pain of divorce. Although it is tempting, do not use the legal process punitively. Learn to be satisfied with the terms of the divorce.
Divorce coach Laura Miolla explained, "Once you’re in the legal part of this process, you don't have that much control, and it doesn't matter how good your attorney is. Guidelines and precedent will determine a lot of what is in your agreement, and a judge won't approve it unless it’s equitable for both parties. If you don’t know the rules of the game — or even what game you are playing — how can you expect to win?"
10. They take care of themselves physically
Eating poorly, not exercising, sleeping excessively, etc., can all contribute to your stress level and negative emotions. Physical activity is especially important to activate the natural feel-good chemicals in your brain called endorphins, as shown by a 2023 study on the neurological mechanisms behind the effects of physical activity on mood.
For all of these tips, a competent therapist can help guide the process. An objective third party would be most instrumental in helping you sort through various aspects of post-divorce life. Some issues to bring to therapy might be your grief, figuring out your contribution to the demise of the marriage, developing boundaries with the ex, or co-parenting.
It would be beneficial to explore how the divorce might relate to your family of origin or early childhood experiences. It is also crucial to learn how to avoid another inappropriate or poor choice in a partner again.
Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice, relationship expert, and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships.
