11 Things Children Of Narcissistic Parents Bring Up Most In Therapy, According To Research
Children who grew up in such a toxic environment have a lot to unlearn as they get older.
PeopleImages | Shutterstock Growing up with narcissistic parents can leave lasting scars that many people only begin to tackle well into their adulthood. Growing up in that kind of environment means having to navigate various forms of emotional neglect and manipulation, as these parents undermine their child's sense of self, leaving them feeling confused and struggling to form healthy connections with other people, especially as adults. In many cases, children with these types of parents were taught to suppress their own needs in order to maintain a semblance of peace and stability.
Because of that, as adults, there are certain things children of narcissistic parents bring up most in therapy, where they have to unlearn all of the trauma responses that they cultivated just to survive their childhoods. While therapy can't solve everything, it can provide tools and resources they need to heal, move on, and finally make peace with the fact that none of the things that happened to them when they were young were their fault. Through therapy and by peeling back these layers, they can take their first steps to learning their worth and no longer needing to depend on someone else's approval.
Here are 11 things children of narcissistic parents bring up most in therapy, according to research
1. Fear of conflict
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Conflict in a household with narcissistic parents wasn't just uncomfortable, but terrifying. Disagreements would turn into full-on blowouts that would leave kids feeling unsafe at times. Rather than learning to conflict in a healthy manner, children of narcissistic parents grew up thinking that any point of conflict was to be avoided.
As adults, this shows up in the constant fear of being involved in any kind of disagreement. For them, it makes everyday interactions that much harder than they need to be.
"Conflicts and disagreements are unavoidable. It is important to realize that the benefits of conflict resolution extend beyond resolving disagreements, contributing significantly to personal growth, emotional well-being, and healthy relationships," explained psychotherapist Moshe Ratson.
They carry a lot of anxiety, to the point where they appear easygoing on the surface, but underneath tells an entirely different story. At the end of the day, being able to overcome this fear of conflict means realizing that not all disagreements with people means automatic danger.
It doesn't mean yelling and slamming doors or going to bed angry and crying. Sometimes you're able to have healthy conflict with someone and repair what might have been broken in the relationship.
2. Low self-esteem and self-worth
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One of the things children of narcissistic parents bring up most in therapy is their ongoing struggles with feeling confident in themselves. Because they grew up with parents that constantly voiced how they were never enough, despite all of the achievements that they were able to do, as adults they struggle with not measuring their worth based on someone else's expectations.
They quickly start to think that they really aren't enough, especially if it's something they heard constantly as a child. And according to the Newport Institute, having to endure constant criticism and having to take a backseat to a self-centered parent means that children of narcissists frequently develop low self-worth. It ends up being quite common for the children of narcissistic parents to twist themselves inside out just to please their parents, leading to anxiety and depression.
That message sticks with them well into adulthood, making every single day a mission to try and prove their own value. It can show up in relationships, where children of narcissistic parents will settle for what they think they deserve, even if it's toxic and unhealthy.
Through going to therapy, they're able to unpack these feelings and learn that they have to pour into their own cup and realize their worth rather than depending on other people to tell them it.
3. People-pleasing tendencies and codependency
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Growing up in a household with narcissistic parents means that early on, children were taught that their own needs rarely ever matter. Just to keep the peace and earn the approval from parents who were never going to give it, they quickly learn to predict what their parents' next move will be and adjust their behavior accordingly so they don't ruffle any feathers. Over time, this habit of always having to put their parents first ends up extending to other people.
Experts of Narcissistic Personality Disorder explained that children of narcissistic parents just learn to dissociate from their own needs. By doing that, they soon learn to elevate everyone else above themselves, and will find themselves agreeing to things they don't want to do or even being self-deprecating. Soon, they're bending over backwards just to make sure everyone else is okay before even considering if they're okay.
Because children of narcissistic parents have people-pleasing tendencies, they also tend to feel responsible for other people's emotions as well. They think it's their job to fix and manage everyone around them. The journey of unlearning this kind of behavior takes time, but eventually they begin to learn that they don't have to put up with relationships and people that are not serving them.
4. Difficulty with self-care
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Self-care wasn't something that was ever modeled or even encouraged for children of narcissistic parents. Being in that kind of environment meant kids were taught that wanting to prioritize their own needs was selfish, so as adults, that lesson lingers and is hard to unlearn. They find it challenging to dedicate time to rest and nourish themselves, especially when they're struggling or feeling overwhelmed.
"We need to understand that we can step back, press pause, and direct our energy on taking care of ourselves. We need to realize that we can choose to live our lives in a way that supports and optimizes both our physical and mental health, fitness, and well-being," encouraged clinical psychologist Monica Vermani.
Because of that, children of narcissistic parents often neglect their own well-being and dismiss the need for reflection and rest. Therapy is considered a luxury, which is why, when they finally make that appointment to talk about their childhood experiences, it's a step in the right direction. Being conditioned to believe that your needs are unimportant have such a stark effect on being able to actually put yourself.
5. Difficulty setting boundaries
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Narcissistic parents usually have zero ability to respect and adhere to the boundaries set before them, especially by their kids. From a young age, kids growing up in this household who even attempted to set a boundary were accused of being selfish and "not following directions."
As a result of their boundaries never being respected, as adults they get caught up in feelings of guilt when trying to protect their own personal limits. Because of that, they overcommit all the time and eventually reach a point where they are emotionally burnt out.
"Breaking free from the emotional hold of a narcissistic parent is challenging, but setting firm boundaries allows you to take back control of your life. It's okay to prioritize your mental health over family expectations. It's time to choose yourself," explained mental health counselor Crystal Hardstaff.
Trying to reckon with their fear of boundaries ends up seeping into every relationship they try to have. Similar to their people-pleasing and codependency tendencies, struggling with boundaries means that children of narcissistic parents end up putting themselves in situations that they probably don't even want to be in.
They believe that attempting to put their foot down will mean that they'll be labeled as some kind of bad person because of what they heard from their parents growing up.
6. Fear of abandonment
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Since narcissistic parents can be quite inconsistent with their attention, being caring and loving one day and then cold the next day. It leaves their children constantly guessing whether they'll be accepted or rejected. One day that child may feel important and adored by their parents, but then the next day they'll be dismissed or criticized for no apparent reason.
Growing up in this kind of environment means children of narcissistic parents develop a crippling fear of abandonment and are always hyper-aware of the rejection before it even comes, making it one of the major things children of narcissistic parents bring up most in therapy.
"As a result of inconsistent attention and affection typical of narcissistic parenting, individuals may either display excessive involvement with no boundaries, idealize their partners, or completely shut them out with an 'I should leave them before they leave me' mindset," explained psychologist Mark Travers.
In relationships, whether it's romantic or platonic, they'll show up as clingy and have an immense amount of anxiety that they'll be left alone all of a sudden. Even if the relationships they have are inherently healthy, it doesn't matter. They still carry this fear that someone will suddenly leave without a moment's notice or even just withdraw their affection altogether.
7. Fear of making mistakes
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For children who grew up with emotionally stable parents, it meant that mistakes they made were treated as opportunities to learn and grow. They were encouraged to fail because it meant that they would be able to succeed the next time around.
But for children of narcissistic parents, mistakes were seen as the worst thing they could do, no matter what kind of mistake it was. When children are being yelled at and punished for doing something as simple as spilling water across the table, they start to fear making mistakes altogether.
Especially as adults, they analyze every decision they want to make ten times over, and avoid taking risks because mistakes were conditioned to be something they should avoid at all costs as kids. When they do make a mistake, they take it quite personal. They're incredibly hard on themselves and self-critical.
8. Problem accepting compliments
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Compliments usually feel more confusing than uplifting for children of narcissistic parents. Growing up, the praise they received from them was not only inconsistent but used as a tool to manipulate rather than trying to display genuine encouragement. A narcissistic parent may compliment their child one moment then completely undermine them in the next.
With this constant back-and-forth complimenting, children were unsure if the positive feedback was even real. As adults, they may struggle when receiving compliments because they don't know if it's genuine or not.
They may think that getting a compliment means they owe that person something in return, even if that person is just giving it out of the kindness of their heart. This is because of how unusual genuine compliments were for them growing up.
9. Inability to trust others
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Because children of narcissistic parents grow up in environments filled with manipulation and toxic behaviors, they learned early on that trusting people is something that will only lead them to getting hurt in the long run. From dealing with their parents constantly breaking promises, walking all over their boundaries, and dismissing their feelings without a second thought, as adults, they struggle with allowing people in.
Licensed marriage and family therapist Karyl McBride explained, "When a child is raised in a narcissistic family, their sense of safety is shaky at best. A narcissistic parent can be unpredictable and inconsistent in the way they respond to the child, thereby leaving the child feeling vulnerable and unsafe. Thus, the child's ability to trust that others will consistently see and hear them, and care for them, becomes impaired, and this core of distrust can be difficult to repair."
Vulnerability wasn't something that was encouraged in their households growing up, so they're constantly second-guessing if people have some ulterior motive. They have a hard time believing the genuine words spoken by people they may be trying to form relationships with.
No matter how much they want to trust people, because of their parents' actions, that becomes more of a hard step than children of emotionally aware and present parents may have.
10. Struggle with advocating for themselves
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One of the things children of narcissistic parents bring up most in therapy is their inability to advocate for themselves, and they just can't seem to shake it. In their childhood, their voices were constantly being dismissed and talked over, to the point where actually trying to prioritize and talk about their needs wasn't a safe thing.
Rather than being encouraged to express their opinions and ask for help, kids raised in this environment instead learned to just keep quiet and stay out of the way because they didn't want to rock the boat.
As adults, it now means that they struggle immensely with being able to stand up for themselves in difficult situations. They believe that even trying to assert themselves will result in people becoming angry with them and maybe even abandoning them altogether.
11. Difficulty enjoying life
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Children of narcissistic parents often find it a foreign concept to feel even an ounce of joy. Growing up, their happy moments were few and far in between, and experiencing joy was probably something that happened once in a blue moon.
They weren't encouraged to play, rest, or do anything for themselves. Now, as adults, this translates into them having difficulty with being able to embrace the happy times because they're waiting for the other shoe to drop.
They feel like they have to do a plethora of things just to earn their own happiness because that's what was drilled into them during childhood. They may even self-sabotage their moments of happiness or brush them off completely rather than being able to appreciate themselves.
Even if they're not under the watchful eye of their narcissistic parents, this mindset still persists and it's only through therapy that they're able to learn that they can feel safe while experiencing good moments in life.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
