11 Behaviors Of A Narcissistic Parent That Are Hard To Miss Once You Notice Them
Their own best interests, comfort, and attention will always be the biggest priority.
arnaldo moreno | Shutterstock Growing up in a household with or dealing with a narcissistic parent in adulthood can take a severe toll on mental health, physical well-being, family dynamics, and self-esteem. Whether they relied on blame-shifting, chronic victimhood, gaslighting, or all of the above to control you, they consistently put their own needs above everyone else's.
Of course, narcissism and manipulative tendencies are often rooted in a person's insecurities, according to a 2005 study on narcissism, so many of the behaviors of a narcissistic parent that are hard to miss once you notice them have more to do with their internal stability than their victims.
Here are 11 behaviors of a narcissistic parent that are hard to miss once you notice them
1. They make everything about themselves
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When the attention and spotlight aren't on a narcissistic person in your life, you'll know. It's not hard to miss their demands for validation and control, whether it's guilt-tripping, attention-seeking, or trying to control their adult child's every decision.
While they might celebrate an adult child's autonomy for attention one day, the very next, a narcissistic parent will overlook boundaries and disrespect their kid to feel in control again.
2. They constantly seek validation from others
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Narcissistic behaviors and manipulation tactics are rooted in internal inferiority and insecurity, which is why it's ironic that they craft their entire identity around maintaining control and superiority over others. They need other people to fall victim to their manipulations and to provide them with validation and attention, or they fall into a spiral of self-consciousness and fear.
That's why seeking validation is one of the behaviors of a narcissistic parent that are hard to miss once you notice them. Whether you're an adult child feeling disrespected or a young kid who's sick of feeling embarrassed at the hands of a parent's need for attention, it causes tension and resentment at home.
3. They guilt you for control
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While it's not entirely uncommon for parents to weaponize guilt to see their adult kids more often, according to licensed marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein, when they're dealing with a fear of separation, narcissistic parents use guilt in entirely different ways.
Whether it's guilting them into taking responsibility for their own hurt feelings or trying to control your life decisions, if you have a narcissistic parent, you're used to feeling shame for simply being yourself. This behavior is one of the more common ones that spark disconnection between narcissists and their kids later in life, because they feel consistently inadequate and shameful at home.
4. They always play the victim
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A study from Personality and Social Psychology argues that narcissistic people have an inflated sense of superiority and deservingness over others, which is why it's not surprising that they also lean on a sense of chronic victimhood to get their way.
When being a victim suits them, allows them to avoid accountability, and garners attention or sympathy, they don't mind throwing someone else under the bus, even their own kids. That's why this is one of the behaviors of a narcissistic parent that's hard to miss once you notice them, because adult children can't help but feel like they can never do anything right in the eyes of their parents.
5. They dismiss your emotions
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Whether it's a subtle passing phrase or avoiding conversations, dismissing emotions is one of the behaviors of a narcissistic parent that is hard to miss once you notice it. They don't mind invalidating how you feel by offering unsolicited advice, overstepping boundaries set to protect your sanity, or dismissing your presence entirely to charm someone else — they only care about themselves.
When they are present and supportive, it's not a mistake — they're only weaponizing empathy to get something that they want in return.
6. They constantly overstep boundaries
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When creating and maintaining boundaries is the only "lifeline" adult children have with a narcissistic parent — if they're going to avoid "no contact" expectations — it's important for their emotional well-being and sanity that they're followed. Unfortunately, overstepping boundaries is the name of the game for these control-seekers.
Even if they've been told a hundred times that your boundaries are important and required, narcissistic parents will weaponize ignorance or make excuses for crossing them to protect their own control, power, and comfort. From small things like stopping by unannounced to larger betrayals like overstepping parenting boundaries, narcissistic parents care more about themselves than respecting anyone else, even their own kids.
7. They have a favorite child
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Oftentimes, parental favoritism is more common than we believe, according to a study from Psychological Bulletin, but in the hands of a narcissistic parent, it has insidious undertones. These kinds of parents often withhold affection and manipulate their children — even into adulthood — by crafting one as "the favorite" or "golden child" and the other as a chronic scapegoat.
According to psychotherapist Erin Leonard, a narcissistic parent often uses favoritism for control at home. Even later in life, they pit siblings against each other, manipulate them into feeling guilty, and avoid accountability by blaming their scapegoat.
8. They compare you to other people's kids
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Narcissists tend to seek out superiority, control, and envy through social comparisons, according to a study from Personality and Individual Differences, at the expense of their personal relationships. Whether that means comparing their kids to other people's or holding their partners to unrealistic standards, they don't mind crafting expectations that are impossible to achieve for control.
Comparisons are often subtle, but also one of the behaviors of a narcissistic parent that are hard to miss once you notice them. They not only make children feel inadequate, unsupported, and unworthy of love into adulthood when their parents' beliefs are solidified, they also create an aura of competition that's entirely unsustainable.
9. They use the silent treatment
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According to a 2022 study, there are three main reasons why narcissists may use "the silent treatment" — withholding quality time, clarity, and communication — that are hard to miss once you notice them: to punish, to manipulate, or to assert power.
They always need to have control over the people in their lives, so when a child does something "wrong" or that they don't agree with, it's easier for them to withhold the otherwise unconditional elements of a regular family dynamic, like love, time, or affection.
They're inherently transactional — if you do something they like or that benefits them, they'll offer a misguided reward, like an expression of love. But when you do something that doesn't actively benefit them or that strays away from their control of you, it's punishments like withholding that tend to follow.
10. They treat your life like their own
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When a family dynamic already has an unstable foundation or a history of trauma, it's more common for enmeshment — relationships that lack boundaries and generally sabotage independence for children — to spark disconnection, resentment, and mental health concerns, according to a study from the Journal of Family Psychology.
Parental enmeshment can look incredibly different depending on the family structure, but for a narcissistic parent, it revolves around expectations and control. They hold you to unrealistic standards for success, try to live through you, and even punish you for decisions that they don't approve of.
Even if it's resentment stemming from being unable to control your life — like making a decision they don't agree with that could affect the way they boast and brag about you — it's still one of the many common behaviors of a narcissistic parent that are hard to miss once you notice them.
11. They twist your memories
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Narcissists generally struggle with taking accountability and responsibility because they view mistakes as a sign of weakness that threatens their control. So, when adult children bring up issues from their childhood or try to heal by expressing trauma, a narcissistic parent will use a variety of tactics — from gaslighting, to blame-shifting, and avoiding the conversation — to protect themselves. Not only does this cause tension in family dynamics, it encourages adult children to create more distance from their parents alongside the autonomy of adulthood.
According to the author of the book "Is There A Narcissist In Your Life?" Amanda Clymont, when parents don't make space for healing conversations, openness, and honesty, familial estrangement is almost always inevitable, especially if adult children are still experiencing the consequences of a narcissistic parent or harboring childhood trauma.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
