11 Subtle Ways Parents Let Their Adult Children Know They Do Not Approve Of Their Choices
They might not say it out loud, but you can feel their disappointment, and it hurts.
Studio Romantic / Shutterstock I can't think of many things that are more hurtful than knowing that you have disappointed your parents with the decisions you have made in life. It can make a person feel as if all of their caregivers' hard work and dedication were squandered, and they have let everyone down. It doesn't even have to be outright disapproval. They can subtly let you know that you did not live up to expectations.
Even when they mean well, parents can struggle with letting go of the need to control their children, even when they are fully grown. They start to say things without really saying them, a weird tension or lack of closeness develops, they get overly sarcastic, or they give off mixed signals that let you know they are not happy with you at all. Watching for these subtle signs can open a healthy discussion about approval and autonomy between parents and their adult children.
Here are 11 subtle ways parents let their adult children know they do not approve of their choices
1. They use passive-aggressive comments
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Parents who aren't the most comfortable sharing their explicit thoughts about their adult children's lives might engage in passive-aggressive statements. You could hear something like, "If you're happy, that's all that matters," or "If you like it, I love it." On the surface, those sound like supportive comments, but they really mask a person's truest feelings.
It's not just about what they say, it's about how they say it. The words seem to lean in one direction, while the tone suggests the opposite. Parents who behave in this manner use resentment as a weapon and skip conversations that might open up the lines of communication and make for better parent-child relationships at their kids reach maturity.
2. They are slow to show enthusiasm
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Some parents just do not have a good game face. They have trouble encouraging their children when they do something wrong, choosing instead to turn their backs on them and avoid conversing altogether. Even when congratulations are in order, a clear sign that they don't really value what you've achieved is a tendency to change the subject or not mention it at all.
They offer warm compliments that make you feel loved inside. They have a mental bar in their mind that you might never reach, so the relationship is a toxic cycle of you seeking approval that is always just out of reach. This lack of acknowledgement can feel like a refusal to validate their existence and their worth. In adulthood, it shows up as a fractured relationship that is hard to repair.
3. They always compare you to others
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I can't imagine anything more hurtful than a parent always pointing out that someone else is better than their own children. Even if it's a sibling, the constant comparison can impact their self-esteem, motivation, and mental well-being negatively. Feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, and a diminished sense of self-worth can carry over into adulthood.
This is not the healthy competition that encourages individual growth. The pressure and anxiety can dissolve a child's confidence and interfere with their ability to thrive. If your decisions and position in life are often contrasted with a sibling, a cousin, or a family friend's child who has made acceptable and respectable choices in their eyes, your parent does not approve of how you are living yours.
4. They ask leading questions
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When a person is feigning concern and has a hidden agenda to let you know that they do not agree with your choices, the conversation can feel like an interrogation. They might ask the same questions over and over, rephrased, because they didn't believe you or agree with you the first time. Or they could say things like, "So, are you thinking about going to law school instead?" when you have expressed no desire to do so whatsoever.
Your disapproving parent might view the question as a strong suggestion, but it is a clear indication that they think you are headed down the right path and want to redirect you. The concern is less about you and how you're managing adulthood, and more about how your behavior might make them look as the people who raised you.
5. They withhold support
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Nothing says "We are not proud of you" like an empty seat that was reserved for your parent at an event where you were being acknowledged. It says undoubtedly that they have chosen to stay away, so you don't fall under the misperception that they think highly of your accomplishments. In your absent parent's mind, this is a punishment for refusing to follow the path they laid out for you.
A parent who does not approve of your lifestyle, even though you are fully grown, might also withhold financial or emotional support. They don't think you've done enough to earn any money assistance, and their ability to care about your well-being is conditional. If you do the "right" thing, they show up. If you let them down, they will remain emotionally distant until you prove they should do otherwise.
6. They share awkward silences with you
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Typically, a parent who does not approve of your choices has not liked how you live for some time. You have had many contentious moments around what they think you should do versus what you choose to do. The fact that you are an adult has made them less apt to speak their mind, but more likely to feel as if you have nothing in common, therefore, nothing to talk about.
Imagine having nothing to say to the people who brought you up. They avoid topics that they consider controversial to you, whether it be your partner, your job, or your lifestyle. When the superficial conversation runs out, the tension in the room becomes so thick, you could cut it with a knife, and everyone sits in silence, wanting to express themselves, but knowing it will not end well.
7. They prioritize their own values and disregard yours
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One thing that has become abundantly clear as I have raised boys to become young men is that they will not automatically share my values. Their own journey through life has given them the lessons and beliefs that are unique and individual. That realization hasn't stopped me from using my personal standards as a guideline for how they should act once in a while.
Parents who are struggling to find happiness with their adult children's decisions have a habit of frequently reminding their kids of their values in hopes that they will suddenly wake up and follow suit. If your parent routinely overlooks your ideals about life and tries to push their own on you to make you reconsider your path, they don't like the direction your life is headed in.
8. They have a selective memory
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If there is one thing a parent who disapproves of how you have chosen to live your life will do, it's forget all the good and focus on the bad. They have selective memory and forget your achievements and milestones, but can remember what you did to disappoint them down to the second it happened. The things you have done that were a big deal to you don't measure up to success for them.
This convenient memory loss keeps you in a position to feel like you can never get anything right in their eyes. You might become less and less excited to share your accomplishments and more likely to hide the things that you know will cause them to lash out in disappointment. They are living vicariously through you and don't like the way their life is going.
9. They smile to keep from crying
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Most parents see supporting their children as a requirement. They believe that they have to fake happiness and pride, no matter how they really feel. But adult children know the difference. They have been around their caregivers long enough that they are truly proud, or faking it to be a "good parent". The smile they have pasted on their face says they are happy for you, but their body language is a whole other story.
Gritted teeth, a tight and painful-looking smile, crossed arms, an inadvertent sigh, and a refusal to make eye contact might be signs that they do not approve of your actions, but don't have the heart to tell you. So they literally have to grin and bear it instead of letting you know what they truly think and allowing space for growth on both sides.
10. They offer advice you never asked for
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If you are telling your parents about your plans and they respond with, "Well, what I think you should do..." you know that they don't think you have the best idea and want to give you a better alternative. You never asked for feedback, just support, but they have a lot to say about your future plans. You believe that as an adult, you are fully capable of making good decisions, but your parents seriously doubt it.
Even when their life is in disarray, they are full of solutions for yours. They believe they can foresee failure down the road for you and want to steer you away from your bad choices. Their suggestions aren't support. They are control and disapproval, masked as an attempt to listen and understand.
11. They keep you at an emotional distance
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Parenting is not for the faint of heart. We are just people who are doing the best we can with the information we have. So, it's easy to be more emotionally connected with the children we resonate with and understand, and butt heads with our little renegades. The latter grow up to become adults who buck the system and forge their own paths, and that might not always sit right with us.
Parents who had high hopes for their children and were disappointed when they became adults can be less affectionate and open. Unfortunately, it will feel as if your independence physically hurts them and is a hardship to be endured, rather than individuality that should be celebrated.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
