10 Things Narcissistic Husbands Do During Holiday Celebrations When They Think No One Notices
Drazen Zigic | Shutterstock While the holidays are supposed to be a time where you come together with your loved ones to celebrate and create fun, loving memories that will last a lifetime, for many women with narcissistic husbands, it can be one of the most draining times of the entire year. The pressure to show up with a smile on their face while also trying to make sure there are no obvious blow-ups or dramatic scenes can be a taxing role. Being married to a narcissistic husband means there is never a time where they're not showing some of those qualities, especially during the holidays.
When the focus isn't solely on them, there are many awful things narcissistic husbands do during holiday celebrations when they think no one notices. The control to get the spotlight back on them can show up in ways that might not even look that dramatic to everyone else. But to the woman married to him, she ends up having to adjust and smooth things over so his behavior doesn't sour the holidays.
Here are 10 things narcissistic husbands do during holiday celebrations when they think no one notices
1. Criticize how traditions are done
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It might not sound outright harsh or mean, which is usually the goal they're aiming for. They want their wives to second-guess when it happens, so their comments are usually wrapped in a tone of wanting to help or simply pointing something out.
But it'll still land in a dismissive and critical way. It might show up as some kind of remark about how the food doesn't taste the same as it did last year or how the decorations don't look the best.
"The most important person in the life of a narcissist is the narcissist. They can temporarily put others ahead of themselves, but only when they somehow benefit from it," explained certified life coach Kristy Lee Parkin. "Narcissists often feel as if they must remain the center of attention in anyone’s life."
They frame it as some kind of opinion when, really, they're simply trying to bring the mood down and cause a scene so they can be the center of attention. They're looking for any little detail to nitpick, and their comments come during a time when their spouses are already juggling a lot on their plate and don't need to the constant negative feedback from their husbands.
2. Sabotage the joy of others
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If a narcissist is not having a good time or feels that they're not getting the "right" kind of attention, they make sure that it becomes everyone else's problem. Unfortunately, this is one of the common things narcissistic husbands do during holiday celebrations when they think no one notices.
Nothing might ever be outright ruined, but somehow the energy starts to shift the second that they notice someone else is having, what they deem to be, too much fun. The happiness in the room is suddenly contingent on them instead of being about everyone else.
But if you dare to point out the fact that they're intentionally trying to sabotage everyone else's joy in that moment, they'll quickly deflect. Suddenly, they're just tired or not in the mood to joke around.
3. Play the perfect partner in public and act like a monster in private
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The most disorienting thing about a narcissist is their ability to be charming around guests and loved ones during holiday parties and celebrations. They dote on their spouse and make everyone laugh and feel like they're having a good time.
It's almost like you can't even notice the opposite of this simmering underneath the surface of the perfectly curated mask they're wearing. It can make their spouse's head spin because now it feels as if you're living two very different realities.
However, the moment the last guest filters out, that mask drops with the quickness. They're back to being their cruel and dismissive self, as if nothing has changed. Despite what you may think, that mask is not their true self. Trusting what happens behind closed doors will show you who they really are.
4. Turn family gatherings into silent power games
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Narcissists tend to have this routine of wanting control all the time. The holidays are no exception to this need. They want people to worry about them, so by that definition, they'll quickly withdraw from mingling with family and friends. They'll sit in the corner and sulk the night away, secretly enjoying the fact that every five seconds, someone is coming up to them and asking if they're feeling alright.
"Narcissists feel entitled to get what they want from others regardless of their behavior. Their sense of entitlement masks their inner shame and insecurity. They convince themselves that they’re superior and it follows that they deserve special treatment," insisted licensed marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer.
Rather than being able to enjoy the moment, now everyone else is responsible for their feelings because they need the attention that badly. It turns what's supposed to be fun memories being made into something that ends up depleting everyone else's energy.
5. Use the kids to hurt you
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Nothing is off limits for a narcissist, including their kids. They have no problem making these elaborate promises to the kids about what kinds of presents they might be waking up to, or they'll go out of their way to try and be the "fun parent" just to make their spouse look bad.
Perhaps one of the most alarming things narcissistic husbands do during holiday celebrations when they think no one notices is using the kids to hurt their partner. But the problem with this is that children can pick up on this emotional manipulation, even if they're not able to put their finger on it exactly.
They can tell when Dad is trying his hardest to one-up Mom, and that he's doing it at the detriment of their own feelings and happiness. As they get older, they'll see their Dad's true colors quite quickly.
Moments that should feel joyful and fun during the holidays suddenly turn into a tug-of-war for who can have the most power, and it's usually the narcissist who's trying their hardest to win.
6. Buy gifts to control, not to care
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A narcissist is never just giving someone a gift, especially during the holidays, as a way to show their appreciation. Instead, each and every gift they give someone usually comes with strings attached.
Despite the fact that gifts are never supposed to be transactional, for narcissists, that's usually what it ends up being. A gift from them usually comes with a reminder of what you might owe them or the fact that they're the ones who have the power.
"You don't get expensive gifts from a narcissist because they think you are awesome; you get valuable gifts because they want you to continue to think that they are awesome," licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White warned.
What makes this even more exhausting is the fact that the gift is always brought up later. Maybe it's during some kind of disagreement, and suddenly, the gift will be brought up as an example of just how generous or thoughtful they really are. The gift suddenly becomes about evidence rather than being something they gave out of the kindness of their heart.
7. Destroy your confidence when you feel happiest
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The most frustrating part about being married to a narcissistic man is the fact that they can never let you be great. They can never just see how happy you are and make the decision to just back off.
You've just put on a pretty dress to welcome your family and other loved ones to celebrate the holidays, and suddenly, he's making comments about the color of the dress or questioning if you really want to wear something like that. Unfortunately, this behavior is one of the things narcissistic husbands do during holiday celebrations when they think no one notices.
He'll become irritated, claiming some bizarre reason as to why he's suddenly critiquing you out of the blue, when he can clearly see that you're happy and excited. The moment that you start to shine in any way, especially if you're suddenly outshining him, he simply can't take it.
Now, you're left having to pick up the pieces of your shattered confidence, courtesy of him. Your joy simply threatens his because now he's no longer in control.
8. Frame your reactions as the real problem
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After catching on to the ways that your narcissistic husband may be trying to sabotage the holiday celebrations, you might decide to confront him about it. Suddenly, your reaction is the problem and not his behavior. If you display just how frustrated and upset you are, you're the problem, even when he's making you feel these things.
"If caught in their mistakes and there is no way out of it, the narcissist can’t handle the vulnerability it causes. This is where we see something called 'narcissistic rage.' The anger and rage are intended to back you off and cause you to stop accusing them. The purpose is to make you doubt yourself," explained licensed marriage and family therapist Karyl McBride.
Rather than being able to acknowledge his role in all of this and apologize or just take a sliver of accountability, he resorts to making you feel as if you're being dramatic. It now leaves you in the position where you're second-guessing whether or not you even have the right to feel upset in the first place.
9. Ask loaded questions in front of others
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He'll ask questions like "Are you sure about this?" or "Do you think you can handle doing that?" in front of others. He'll frame the question as just being curious, but underneath, it's a clear dig to make you feel uncomfortable.
The timing is no coincidence either. He's specifically choosing moments where others can witness your reaction, forcing you to have to school your features so you don't give away just how embarrassed you might feel at being put on the spot.
"Narcissists may talk down to others or use a tone of voice that a parent might use with a child. They may treat others as possessing lesser intelligence or having fewer rights. Demeaning others makes narcissists feel superior," licensed family and marriage therapist Dan Neuharth revealed.
The ultimate goal with doing this is control, point blank. A narcissistic husband wants to position himself as being the rational and calm one while making you feel like the "crazy" one. He'll use the people gathered around during the holidays to drive this home, even though it's supposed to be a time where everyone is coming together, not being pulled apart by him trying to start drama.
10. Act relieved when the holidays end
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While everyone else might feel exhausted but still fulfilled because they just spent all this time with their favorite people, a narcissistic husband is taking a sigh of relief because the attention and effort of having to engage with others is finally over. He no longer has to perform or play the role of the "good and attentive partner."
Once the festivities are over, he can retreat back into the person he is when no one is around. He can slip the mask off and settle into his true behaviors. He makes it seem as if the holidays are some kind of burden, but it's usually just because it forces him to put in the emotional effort that he doesn't even have on a regular basis.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
