11 Subtle Signs Of A Controlling Man Trying To Disguise His Jealousy With Love
Rebel Red Runner | Shutterstock While we can all say different things about love, the one thing most people can agree on is that it should feel safe. You should never be worried about saying the wrong thing to your partner or having to walk on eggshells around them. When a man is claiming that he's only worried about you or that he just cares too much, those words may not raise a red flag at first because it can be easy to overlook them, but they could actually be subtle signs of a controlling man trying to disguise his jealousy with love.
The truth is, a controlling man will usually hide behind his jealousy as the way that he loves, and it can take some time to really see his true colors clearly. At first, it can all be very flattering, but soon you start seeing his manipulative ways when you look a bit closer. The patterns are usually all of the same, which is that he wants to be in control all the time, over every little thing. Those behaviors are never rooted in love. Being able to recognize them will be the one thing you need to finally walk away, rather than staying with a man who doesn't understand what real, authentic, and safe love looks like.
Here are 11 subtle signs of a controlling man trying to disguise his jealousy with love
1. Frequently testing your loyalty
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There's definitely a difference between the lighthearted hypothetical questions you ask your significant other about what they might do in certain situations versus when it's used to have control over someone's feelings and reactions. With a controlling man, one day it might be a joking question about a certain co-worker or neighbor, and then the next it's a comment about whether or not you'd leave him for someone else.
"Sometimes, the emotional manipulation is complex enough that the person who is being controlled actually believes that they themselves are the villain, or that they are extremely lucky that their controlling partner 'puts up' with them," pointed out clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior.
Each time a question about your loyalty is posed, you might feel this need to respond in a way that won't upset him. It puts you in this constant state of defense where you are always analyzing the things you say to avoid triggering him to feel angry.
These frequent loyalty tests and questions are just exhausting because he should just be able to trust that you won't do anything to betray him or the relationship. If he's constantly asking, it's coming from a place of both insecurity and control.
2. Flipping out over your social media
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For controlling men, social media can quickly become a source of immense jealousy for them. He might start asking who's been liking your photos, why your follower count has gone up recently, and even might try and look at your DMs to ensure that no one is in there that shouldn't be in there.
Rather than giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're not using social media in any nefarious way that would disrespect your relationship, he uses it as another way to test your loyalty. Unfortunately, this is one of the more subtle signs of a controlling man trying to disguise his jealousy with love.
Because even if he might sound casual, it doesn't excuse the fact that he's still trying to get you to explain all of the tiny interactions that you're having on your own time.
3. Isolating you gradually
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There's nothing supportive or loving about a controlling man who is trying to isolate their partner from their family and friends. At first, it'll be small and almost imperceptible, like him commenting on a friend's personality, maybe suggesting that they may not have your best interests at heart.
It might seem like it's coming from a place of concern for your well-being, but if you're hearing this all the time, day after day, you can start questioning the relationships that you have in your life. Nothing good comes from being isolated, either.
As explained by clinical psychologist Monica Vermani, "We are social animals, hard-wired to connect with others. We thrive through our relationships with others, and a robust social network is a strong predictor of long-term health; in the absence of such connections, we suffer short- and long-term consequences, both physical and mental."
This slow isolation from the people you love and care about can leave you more susceptible to his control and power. A loving man will never make you choose between him and your other loved ones. He'll want you to be independent and live your own life.
4. Dismissing your feelings as overreactions
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Anytime you feel uncomfortable, hurt, or are just seeking some sort of reassurance from him, he'll make it out as if you're being dramatic. He won't apologize if he's done something wrong and he won't comfort you when you might be feeling a bit insecure and unseen. Instead, he'll flip it back onto you and make himself out to be the victim, even if he's the perpetrator.
"When a partner’s emotions are repeatedly invalidated, they may feel unimportant, invisible, or even unlovable. Over time, this breeds resentment and corrodes intimacy, setting the stage for relationship breakdown," psychotherapist Moshe Ratson explained.
It just causes you to internalize everything. You might find yourself apologizing for how you feel rather than actually being able to address the actions that have upset you.
A controlling man never wants to take accountability, so now the blame somehow falls back on you and your feelings. It's definitely not the kind of relationship that is fulfilling in the slightest.
5. Making everything about him
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When a man is consistently making everything about himself, it can quickly become a controlling tactic. Every time you're talking about your achievements, things that have happened in your daily life, and even issues that you might be having, somehow it all ends up coming back to him, him, him.
His needs are somehow always center stage, even when he should just be making room to just listen and support. Conversations with him can slowly start to feel less like you're sharing and more like you're just having to be there for him.
He's never actually listening, just waiting for his time to start talking. It puts you in a situation where you are starting to minimize your experiences because it will inevitably shift back to him.
6. Making you question your reality
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One of the most subtle signs of a controlling man trying to disguise his jealousy with love is making you question your reality. It can start with little things, like him insisting that something you remember didn't actually happen, or even that you're doing "too much" in a situation.
Constantly hearing that you're the one in the wrong can make you quickly start doubting your memory and even just your judgment. Every conversation with a controlling man can feel as if you're talking to a wall.
"Remember — no one should make you doubt your own emotional truth. While some emotions might overwhelming, they all deserve to be handled with care and acceptance," said psychologist Mark Travers.
Gaslighting in this form means it feels like you're walking on eggshells around someone that you should feel extremely safe around. He's using love and the relationship as a cover to manipulate, and when you're so wrapped up in someone it can be hard to separate the two and see that it's not healthy at all.
7. Monitoring how you act around other men
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What's really happening with a controlling man monitoring how you act around men is that he's trying to gauge your loyalty. He's assessing whether your attention is primarily on him. Even if you're just interacting with a men on a purely platonic level, he can't seem to shake the need to raise suspicions behind everything.
This kind of behavior being directed toward you can make you feel as if you need to avoid other men altogether for fear that it'll upset your partner. The monitoring is never coming from a place of genuine concern, it's coming from a place of feeling incredibly insecure in himself.
At the end of the day, a controlling man has zero confidence in himself and feels the need to take it out on everyone around him, including his partner.
8. Pretending to be the victim
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When confronted about his controlling behavior, he'll immediately flip the script to make it seem as if he's not the one causing the problem, you are. Being on the receiving end of someone playing the victim makes you feel as if you're at fault. You'll start defending your choices and opinions, and even just questioning whether or not you've handled a situation in the right way.
"Adopting a victim stance equates to a person fundamentally adhering to the belief that his or her life is more difficult than anyone else’s. The person is consumed with herself or himself and the conversation is one-sided," psychotherapist Erin Leonard pointed out.
That subtle form of manipulation can leave you doubting your gut. Rather than actually owning up to the things he's done and maybe taking accountability, his controlling nature seemingly prevents him from doing that. He has to be in control at all times, and being vulnerable, even for a little bit, doesn't really give him that opportunity.
9. Mocking your boundaries
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This can be one of the most subtle signs of a controlling man trying to disguise his jealousy with love. But it's also incredibly frustrating. He makes jokes and a mockery of the boundaries that you have set for yourself and the fact that you need to have certain rules in your life.
He'll tease you for the fact that you need space or act offended when you walk away from certain things because it's now overstepping on your own boundaries. Each little joke and teasing remark that he utters makes it feel as if he doesn't take your boundaries seriously at all.
Being in a relationship means being with someone who won't ever step or violate the boundaries that you've drawn. They'll respect your need for space and time to think, not make you feel as if you're overreacting for having needs in the first place.
10. Keeping score
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A controlling man might bring up minor disagreements that happened weeks ago or even just bring up some random time where he didn't feel like he was being prioritized. Every small disagreement becomes ammunition to use during the very next one. Even if things are forgiven, it doesn't seem like they're actually being forgiven.
"History can provide useful context; but using it to play the blame game can make things worse. The problem with evoking past (particularly irrelevant) offenses is that most couples will disagree on the 'truth' of that history," explained professor Tyler G. Okimoto.
Instead, he holds them close to his chest to whip them out whenever he wants to get the upper hand. Over time, it can just make you feel incredibly hyper-aware of your behavior, and that you have to be aware of the "points" that you're either losing or gaining with the person that's supposed to love you above all else.
11. Making subtle threats about your relationship
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Since he's always trying to be in control, you might notice that he'll say things that sound as if he wants the relationship to end. He'll claim that things aren't going well, or that he doesn't know how long he can deal with the issues between the two of you, even though he is the one causing those issues.
He'll constantly threaten to leave, and saying things like that can turn into manipulation real quick. There's simply nothing stable about being in a relationship where the other person is constantly throwing these threats around and making you feel deeply insecure and fearful of whether or not you're going to be suddenly alone.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
