The Art Of Spotting A Narcissist: 9 Behaviors That Give Them Away Instantly
They're masters of charm and manipulation, but their patterns always reveal the truth.
Tabreez | Unsplash Dealing with a narcissist can be draining. When you have a narcissist in your life, you constantly argue and may have difficulty expressing your insecurities, concerns, and necessities.
Recognizing narcissistic behaviors and spotting a narcissist empowers you with awareness that helps you make informed decisions about who deserves access to your time, energy, and trust. This knowledge helps you navigate relationships with confidence, ensuring that the connections you nurture are genuinely reciprocal and supportive.
The art of spotting a narcissist: Here are 9 behaviors that give them away instantly:
1. They criticize you
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When narcissists speak, they criticize you and try to dominate the conversation. You may think that, even though they’re critical of others, you’ll be safe. Think again — they will criticize you, too!
When a narcissist criticizes someone, the motivation is rarely to be helpful. Research has actually shown that it is actually a tactic used to protect their own fragile ego and maintain a sense of superiority.
2. They tear you down
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Narcissists have no qualms about tearing down your ego to build up theirs. Sometimes, they may even lie about events and fabricate stories to prove that they’re better than you. They consciously project their negative traits onto you, but they hate it when you retaliate.
This behavior is a form of emotional abuse used to manipulate and exploit others for personal gain. One study suggested that they do this because they have a grandiose sense of self-importance and a need to be admired, which they achieve through putting others down.
3. They do anything to get ahead
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Narcissists lie and cheat, and they’ll step on anyone who stands in the way of what they want. Often, they only try to get ahead so they can prove a point to the people around them, which is why they never seem to care about anyone else’s feelings. Narcissists are overly competitive, and they’re not used to losing.
Research indicates that their inflated sense of self-importance can lead to ambitious-seeming plans and a disregard for how their actions affect others. Their belief in being "special" can lead to a higher tolerance for risky behavior, such as reckless spending or gambling, with the expectation that they will come out ahead regardless.
4. They don’t care
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Narcissists don’t feel remorse, shame, or compassion for their agonizing verbal and emotional abuse. On the contrary, putting you in pain empowers them. Therefore, narcissists typically continue the abuse cycle, because it fuels their feelings of self-satisfaction.
A narcissist's core insecurity leads them to constantly seek validation from an external supply of admiration and attention. One study suggested that a narcissist might intentionally become cold, unresponsive, or indifferent to gain emotional control over a partner.
5. They twist your secrets
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Narcissists use everything you say against you, even when you’re unaware of their motives. The secrets you think are safe with them could come back to bite you later, because they don’t ever intend to keep your secrets.
Narcissists love to scorn your most embarrassing stories, so don’t share them if someone you know acts this way. If you do, they’ll reveal your weaknesses, so that they can retain their sense of superiority.
6. They don't respect you
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Every time you fight with a narcissist, you’ll find yourself explaining the basic definition of mutual respect and why they should respect you. They may cry that they don’t mean to hurt you and promise that this will be the last time, but they’ll never change, because they intend to disrespect you. Narcissists simply know what to say to make you stay and go against your desires to provoke you.
7. They try to to control you
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When you know a narcissist, the traits that they once applauded you for, they will eventually mock you for. They’ll slowly shape you into the person they want you to be, and soon, you’ll feel like they’re the puppet master of your life. A narcissist may try to control how you dress or who you associate with, but if they do, get out.
8. They mock your dreams and goals
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A narcissist will make fun of your future dreams and plans to discourage you from pursuing them, so that they can continue to control your life. They’re often scared that you’ll be more successful than they could ever be, so they’ll try to sway you away from your wildest dreams.
A person's dreams and achievements give them independence and a sense of self-worth that is separate from the narcissist. For a narcissist who needs to control every aspect of a person's life, this is a major threat. A 2024 study suggested that by sabotaging or mocking your aspirations, they ensure you remain dependent on them and do not outshine them.
9. They blame you for everything that goes wrong
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A narcissist will blame their failures and irresponsible behavior on you so that they don’t have to face the consequences of their actions. They’ll even blame you for small things, like missing their calls when they call you late, just to try to get in your head.
If you think that you know a narcissist, reach out to your support system. Lean on true friends and loved ones who can help you through your relationship.
And remember that none of what the narcissist in your life says reflects poorly on you. You are not to blame, you are enough, and you will find caring friendships and relationships in the future.
Sara Ata is a freelance writer and former contributor to Unwritten who focuses on relationships, love, and dating.
