If Your Dad Uses These 11 Common Phrases, He's Probably More Narcissistic Than He Realizes
Goksi | Shutterstock Growing up with a narcissistic parent can be entirely disorienting — not just for young kids, but also for the adult versions of themselves that grow up and out of the home. Not only do these kinds of parents tend to cultivate more trauma for their kids, but they also urge them into an insecure, uncertain identity by making them feel responsible for their own unhappiness and poor accountability. As adults, this mentality tends to follow adult kids, urging them into toxic behaviors like people-pleasing that sabotage their relationships and well-being.
While noticing narcissistic behaviors can be a struggle when you've grown up with it your whole life, if your dad uses these common phrases, he's probably more narcissistic than he realizes. From "Why'd you make me do that?" to "I never wanted kids," it's these parents who constantly emotionally manipulate their children into making their lives more comfortable and convenient.
If your dad uses these 11 common phrases, he's probably more narcissistic than he realizes
1. 'You always make me the bad guy'
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Even if they thrive on their misleading overconfidence and grandiose sense of self, the truth is that many narcissistic people are actually overcompensating for a deep sense of insecurity. That's why accountability in particular is difficult — it's a practice that's historically difficult for people with a low sense of self-esteem, at least according to marriage and family therapist Karyl McBride.
If you're bringing up concerns with your dad or even trying to have a conversation about your hurt emotions, chances are he'll use "you always make me the bad guy" if he's more narcissistic than he even realizes.
2. 'That's definitely not what happened'
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Even decades after their kids' childhoods, a narcissistic father will still refuse to have any part in a conversation that requires accountability. Even if all their kids are looking for is emotional support, they still lean on phrases like "that's definitely not what happened" to discredit and invalidate their kids' experiences.
Ironically enough, this kind of discomfort and passivity when discussing trauma could actually be rooted in a narcissistic parent's own childhood experiences, at least according to a 2022 study. If their narcissism is rooted in childhood trauma they experienced, acknowledging the repeated cycle and the harm of their own actions feels like a direct attack.
3. 'You wouldn't survive without me'
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Even though typical narcissists are prone to seeking attention and feeling like the most important person in every room, a narcissistic parent thrives in a very similar vein by seeking dependency from their children. They need to feel "needed" and important by their kids at all times, so adult autonomy and independence feel like a threat.
They may guilt-trip you into being around them all the time, make fun of your personal hobbies or career choices, and use phrases like "you wouldn't survive without me" to make themselves the center of your entire life.
4. 'I don't need therapy'
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Emotional intelligence and all the resources, like therapy, that come along with it can feel like a personal threat to a narcissistic person who thrives when the people around them are out of touch, vulnerable, and insecure. Even if they're not consciously taking advantage of someone, their efforts to weaponize people's insecurities and overstep their boundaries are nothing short of manipulative.
A narcissistic father won't just discourage his own kids from seeking help through therapy — largely because that demonizes his own behavior — he'll also refuse to go himself, because his lack of accountability prevents him from being wrong.
5. 'Stop talking back'
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According to a study from Personality and Individual Differences, narcissistic people are often characterized by their misleading overconfidence, impulsivity, and sense of entitlement. They believe that they're more important and "deserving" of any given thing than the people around them, even if those people are their own family members.
That's why "you should be grateful" and "stop talking back" are some of the common phrases used by a narcissistic father, even with adult children who have all the autonomy to say and do whatever they'd like. If something isn't comfortable for them, it's unfair. The same goes for hard conversations — if it's not convenient or uplifting for them, it's inherently "wrong."
6. 'Look what you made me do'
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Whether it's a broken dish or a family argument, if your dad uses a phrase like "look what you made me do" instead of apologizing or taking accountability, he's probably more narcissistic than he realizes. Blame-shifting is a common behavior for narcissistic people, because they'd prefer to protect their self-image by making other people feel guilty for their own hurt.
Psychology expert Peg Streep suggests that blame-shifting is often more subtly effective for narcissistic parents, because they know their adult kids' weaknesses and can play them to weaponize guilt.
7. 'Stop twisting my words'
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Narcissistic people put a lot of time and effort into controlling the narrative — whether it's their kids' childhood experiences, a casual conversation, or the way they're perceived by new people. Their superiority and control are most important, even if they're not consciously aware of their ploys to maintain them.
If your dad uses common phrases like "stop twisting my words" often, he's probably more narcissistic than he realizes. He refuses to take accountability for how his language is received and even doubles down on small things that protect him from being a perpetrator of harm.
8. 'You're imagining things'
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Gaslighting is a common tactic that narcissistic people use to make other people doubt themselves. The more insecure and uncertain they are in protecting themselves, the easier they are to mold, manipulate, and pressure for personal convenience and comfort. Even if he's not aware of it, a phrase like "you're imagining things" is an attempt at gaslighting from a father with narcissistic tendencies.
While most gaslighting behaviors are subtle and unsuspecting, these phrases can be obvious. They try to rewrite the past and change people's minds, even when it's clear they're only trying to protect themselves.
9. 'You won't understand'
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Undermining their adult children's intelligence and finding ways to discredit their autonomy is often a ploy for narcissistic fathers to feel important. The weaker and more insecure their kids are, the more needed and important they feel — and the more likely they are to weaponize that insecurity for their own benefit.
Of course, when it suits them best — to brag to friends or post on social media — you're the best kid ever. But at home, he's always using phrases like "you won't understand" to keep you out of conversations and closeness.
10. 'It wasn't a big deal'
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Whether they use a phrase like this in casual conversation to undermine people's hurt or even to change the narrative of their kids' experiences when talking about their childhoods, narcissistic fathers will often rely on constant invalidation to protect themselves.
Even if it's not a conscious choice, they'd rather dismiss their kids' feelings and make them feel crazy for bringing up concerns than make space for personal growth and active listening. Ironically, this inability to have productive conversations is often rooted in a narcissistic parent's inability to regulate their own emotions.
They don't apologize because they don't have the perspective of emotional regulation on their side. If they're angry, embarrassed, or uncomfortable, nothing stops them from leaning into toxic self-preservation.
11. 'You think you have it hard?'
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On top of offering unsolicited advice that their adult children find intrusive, a narcissistic father will often use questions like "You think you have it hard?" to invalidate their kids' emotions. They need all the attention, sympathy, and control, so when an adult kid needs an emotional, warm place to land, they're not interested in providing it.
They make their kids feel uncertain and doubtful, bringing up concerns, which not only promotes people-pleasing behaviors in young children, but pushes them away as adults.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
