A Guy Talks: Why Fantasy Football Trumps His Relationship With You

Photo: WeHeartIt

It's FF season. So get used to being a benchwarmer.

There's this woman named Janice. Derek met her at a club where she was being ogled by three guys. She wound up going home with Derek. They started dating exclusively. Hot, heavy and passionate were three words that formed together every time they hit the sheets, at least for three months.

But now it's Fantasy Football season. And Derek's all "I love having sex with Janice. She's hot. What? RGIII twisted his ankle again!? Curses!"

Once the season started, sex was less constant and more vanilla. Suddenly, the three hours a week Derek spent adding, dropping and trading players from his Fantasy Football team was 2 hours longer than he spent getting hot, heavy and passionate with Janice.

Now she's frustrated and he's on cloud nine. His team is 8-1 and this weeks opponent just lost their starting QB to a freak shoulder injury. As for Janice, she's going to bed early with coconut oil and a mechanical tail.

So WHY are intense, steamy relationships fizzling as fantasy football takes center stage?

Why is this the ending? Why do men pour so much more effort and energy into fantasy football than sex? Why are only one of these two things an actual fantasy? The reasons are simple really.

1. Men are competitive and fantasy football is competitive.

When Derek saw Janice at the club, he had his competitive edge going. This lasted a few months until he realized she was his. After that, there was no competition and thus Derek doesn't focus on Janice or their sex life day in and day out.

What he may focus on is his work and the competitive nature that comes from trying to be that next Assistant Director. And, with fantasy football comes weekly competitions for which wide receiver gets the most receiving yards and what defenses run back the most INT returns for TD's.

2. There is an end-state with fantasy football.

When men are dating or married to someone, there can be a feeling that she will always be there. In this, focusing on her can be a lifetime effort whereas fantasy football has a weekly conclusion and, eventually, a seasonal one.

In this, men feel more obligated to put real time and attention into fantasy football. Eventually they will win the season trophy and life can carry on. Until next season ...

3. Playing coach is, in fact, a fantasy.

Derek is a New York Giants fan and he gets to bench or even drop Eli Manning for underperforming.

This is not unlike the allure of surreal sexual fantasies such as online porn, hooking up with female celebrities or having a threesome. Meanwhile, sex with Janice is nice and, well, nice. 

4. Men are in control with fantasy football.

They can draft who they want, name the team whatever they want and add, drop, start, bench and trade who they want. This level of control does not exist within their relationship.

I've heard men say, on countless occasions, "I'm not in charge, ask the Mrs's." This in response to questions about everyday life details. 

Of course, sex could and should be a fantasy every night. Couples should want to keep the fire going by exploring different positions in different parts of the house. Derek and Janice should want to rip each others clothes off with their teeth because the fire in their bellies burns with the heat of a thousand suns.

But alas, Janice and Derek are not in that element. Their sex life is on permanent auto-pilot and he's about to log in so his ODELL4PREZ league doesn't put him on auto-draft. Because, you know, that would really suck.