6 Deeper Things Your Partner Actually Means When They Say 'I'm Fine'
Hint: They're not.
Felipe Vera | Unsplash One of the more common complaints from people regarding their partners is when they “won’t open up” — when they seem like they’ve got something on their mind, or are upset about something, but when asked about simply answer, “I’m fine.”
Research supports that some individuals may associate vulnerability with weakness and fear being judged, criticized, or rejected if they reveal their true feelings. It can be frustrating. And the reasons people say 'they're fine' can vary — sometimes, yes, when dealing with someone who’s a little emotionally unhealthy, it can be passive-aggressive. But there’s also a myriad of other reasons that are, well, fine.
Here are six things your partner actually means when they say 'I'm fine':
1. 'It’s not a big deal, and it will blow over'
This is by far the most common reason, like 90% of situations. Sure, something’s on their mind — but it’s so small or silly that it’s not worth discussing, and they know it’ll blow over. Initial reactions aren’t always rational or real.
We may have knee-jerk reactions of fear or insecurity or sadness or anger or whatever that aren’t in our control. What is in our control is what we do with it, and maybe they want to be sure that it’s the latter, not the former, that they’re parsing out as an “issue.”
Feelings aren’t always valid. We are entitled to our feelings, but that doesn’t mean they’re all valid. It’s our responsibility to internalize things we experience so that our rationale can catch up to keep things in check. It’ll blow over faster if they don’t drag you along for that process.
2. 'I'm not ready to talk about it'
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The second most likely reason. Emotions need processing, and people are entitled to space. People may idealize the whole “share everything, always” thing in relationships, but taken too literally, that’s nonsense. Healthy people often work through things on their own — at least first — rather than dumping emotional odds and ends on their partner.
Individuals might avoid difficult conversations as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from potentially painful emotions or feeling overwhelmed. Research stresses that avoiding conversations hinders the development of healthy communication patterns and can lead to misunderstandings.
3. 'I just need a moment'
This will happen if you guys just got done discussing an issue and reached reconciliation (perhaps even an apology, whatever), and there are just some lingering feelings they’re still soothing. There’s nothing more for you to say or do — they got what they needed. This part is on them. They just need a second, and they’ll be fine.
But note: if you’re still prodding “What’s wrong?” or “Are you okay?” (and your partner is having to answer “I’m fine”) after they already explained and discussed the issue, chill out and give them some space.
4. 'Now is not the time or place'
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Maybe you’re in the car on the way to have dinner with your parents, or on the phone while you’re at work, or out with friends at 1 am. In any case, it’s possible that they’re not fine, but now is not the time or place to have that conversation.
Choosing the right time and place can significantly affect the outcome of a difficult conversation, influencing. Taking breaks during heated conversations allows parties to manage intense emotions before resuming discussion. This is supported by research indicating that conversations starting calmly are less likely to escalate.
5. 'I'm actually fine'
Maybe they’re just being introspective, and you’re projecting on them. (Maybe you’ve got your insecurity you should address?) Calm yourself, champ. Everything’s cool.
6. 'I can't handle this' (two days later)
If it later turns out that it is “a big deal” or they did want to talk about it, or they are still upset, and it was an appropriate time and place to talk about it yet they still answer “I’m fine” when you ask them what’s wrong:
Then they are an emotionally unhealthy person who needs to work on some of their emotional management before the two of you can continue with the relationship.
Research stresses that everyone has moments of unhealthy behavior. However, if you consistently observe these patterns in your partner's behavior, especially during disagreements, it's crucial to address them for the health of both the relationship and yourself.
How emotionally healthy partners say 'I’m fine': Healthy people don’t constantly nudge and prod their partners. (And if everything is presented as a priority, nothing is a priority.)
Healthy partners save “what’s wrong” conversations for things that are a) important and b) actionable. When they talk to you about something, you can feel confident that they aren’t “crying wolf” and care enough to cover both of those things.
When a healthy partner won't just say 'I’m fine': When it is a big deal and worth discussing. When it’s the time and place to talk. And when they know how they feel, what they want to say, and what they’d like from you, if anything.
What you should do: Trust your partner. If you can’t trust your partner, you need to work on that first. You should be able to believe them when they say they’re fine, or trust that they’ll share when it’s time.
You should feel confident that you guys are a team and want the same things — to build a good relationship and enjoy every day. Respect your partner’s emotional boundaries.
We are not entitled to know our partner’s feelings. It is never appropriate to prod, push, pressure, or demand that they share — ever.
“Other people’s emotions are first and foremost theirs, not ours. What they do with them is their prerogative, not ours. And hearing them, if they choose to share, is a privilege, not a right. We are not ‘owed’ anything in their heads.”
Be patient — not grabby. Let them have a minute to sit with their feelings, figure out what they are, and whether they want to share. They’ll do it if and when they’re ready. Understand and defend your boundaries, too.
If your partner is the kind of person to passive-aggressively tell you “I’m fine”— feigning a non-issue when you ask about it, only to later blow up about it— then you deserve to reset emotional expectations.
It’s not appropriate or healthy or acceptable for one person to show up and ask their partner, “What’s wrong?”, offering them the opportunity to talk about it, and for them to respond by under-communicating and playing emotional war games.
The partner using “I’m fine” passive-aggressively has much emotional work to do in managing their own emotional needs and communication. Build a healthy understanding of love. Based on communication and trust, yes, but also emotional ownership and healthy boundaries.
Kris Gage is a contributor to Yourtango who writes on mental health and happiness.
