7 Ways To Argue To With Your Spouse Without Being A Total Jerk About It
Fighting's inevitable but these seven strategies can help you do it without causing lasting damage.
Getty Images | Unsplash Remember that time your partner spilled wine all over your white sofa, and you thought, for sure, you were going to smother him in his sleep after an argument about it? Remember the time and energy wasted on the argument that followed and the days of letting it stew in your brain as you replayed the accident and harsh words exchanged over and over?
Well, stop it, because according to a 2014 study, frequent conflicts with any type of social relation were associated with a 2-3 times increased mortality risk. Here are a few things to consider the next time you and your partner have a blowout fight to ensure that when you argue with your spouse, you're not being a total jerk about it.
Here are seven ways to argue with your spouse without being a total jerk about it:
1. Don't be petty
simona pilolla 2 / Shutterstock
The study found that arguing over stupid, petty stuff can lead to premature death. Is that sofa stain worth knocking ten years off your life? Like, seriously?
As observed in the study led by researchers at the University of Copenhagen, those subjects who were constantly bickering "had about 50 to 100 percent likelihood of dying from life-threatening health conditions." Face it: your body and mind can't handle the stress over the small things, so you need to regroup and let it go. Now, doesn't that feel nice?
2. Go to bed angry
fizkes / Shutterstock
You may feel the need to resolve the issue that was the cause of your argument before bed, but some studies say that's not always the best route to take.
According to Lisa Earle McLeod, author and a 23-year marriage veteran, by letting someone sleep on the couch because of a disagreement, you're doing your relationship a favor: "It allows partners to clear their thoughts, get some sleep, and make a date to resume the fight (which might seem less important in the light of day)." Things are indeed less dramatic in the daylight. Nighttime is the right time for drama.
3. Know that men break easier
Srdjan Randjelovic / Shutterstock
Why do more men die from heart disease and strokes at relatively young ages? You're fighting, that's why.
The same study found that when it comes to fighting within a relationship, it's the men who suffer the most, especially when it comes to the stress of providing for a family. We may live in a society where gender equality is becoming the social norm — as it should be — but that doesn't change men's inherent need to be the breadwinner and protector.
4. Eat before arguing
Yuri A / Shutterstock
Think about how cranky you already are when you’re hungry. Now throw in some argument over misplaced pans, money woes, or something as trivial as crumbs on the counter. Are you even more ticked off?
Psychologist Dr. Gail Gross says that if you argue when you're hungry, tired, or have any other physical distraction, your argument will go nowhere. Who wants to go round and round in circles when what they want is a pizza? So, go eat something before you let that argument get out of control.
5. Stay physically close even in conflict
Srdjan Randjelovic / Shutterstock
You may not want to touch your partner in the heat of a disagreement, but as Melody Brooke, a licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests, holding each other through the anger is a great way to take things down several notches. Hopefully, from there, you can evolve into some great make-up intimacy, but let’s not jump the gun just yet.
6. Don't let the kids drive a wedge between you
fizkes / Shutterstock
It should come as no surprise that kids can take a toll. Between the financial end of things and just the daily demands of trying to raise an awesome kid, the study led by the team in Copenhagen found that 10 percent of participants pointed to their kids as the main problem. Yikes. Granted, it's only 10 percent, but that's still a little disconcerting.
7. Understand that arguing means you still care
Mladen Mitrinovic / Shutterstock
Once you subtract the petty stuff and focus on what matters, you're halfway to success. Keeping things all bottled up inside you is even more stressful than arguing about the dumb stuff.
As Dr. Stephanie Sarkis points out, "I've never seen a healthy couple that doesn't argue. They never fight, however — they argue. If a couple comes into my office and tells me they've never argued, something isn't quite right."
Communication is the stuff that keeps a well-oiled relationship running smoothly, and to avoid arguing about the important issues does more damage than good. So, grab some food, send the kids to bed, and have it out.
Amanda Chatel has been a wellness and relationship journalist for over a decade. Her work has been featured in Glamour, Shape, Self, and other outlets.
