5 Reasons Bad-News Guys Always Seem To Find You (And How To Send Them Packing!)

Photo: weheartit
healthy relationship

Time to break the cycle, girl.

Some people view their mistakes as stains on the fabric of their lives. They’d like to forget they ever had a difficult time or made mistakes.

Others refuse to forgive themselves and spend the rest of their lives beating themselves up.

At one time, I was one of those people. 

My rocky childhood, setbacks and the mistakes I made trying to survive were my cause for embarrassment, and regret. I chose to live in the past but never thought anything good would come as a result of my mess-ups and roadblocks.

Luckily for me, I’ve smartened up since then!  

Thanks to age, life experience, and self-love I now see that every aspect of my past has made me the success that I am today. My mistakes have become learning experiences and a means to help other women avoid the same pitfalls and heartbreaks that I endured.

But, if there was one area of my life where I won the award for "Most Mistakes in a Decade", it was in the relationship department.

In my early 20’s, I got involved with the wrong guys over and over again. I was frustrated and felt totally disheartened and confused. After a while, I was convinced the universe had it in for me and I was destined to suffer the fate of a broken heart on repeat or be alone for the rest of my life.

So now let's talk about you.

Are you like I once was? Do find you choose the wrong guys and end up broken-hearted and questioning what the heck you’re doing wrong?

If so, don't worry, you’ve got plenty of company. So many wonderful, smart women do the exact same thing.

The fact is, it's very easy for women like us to get stuck in the wrong-guy revolving door of life. The good news for you is that I’ve had so many wrong-guy mishaps that I’ve been able to identify negative patterns of behavior that kept me in the loop of making poor choices and attracting toxic situations.

So now I’m going share what I’ve learned, and help you avoid the same wrong-guy trap that I fell into.

Below, you’ll find five personality traits (and subsequent patterns of behavior) that I used to possess when it came to choosing guys.

See if you any of these scenarios sound familiar.

Here are five reasons you’re choosing the wrong guys time and time again AND how to fix them.

1. You’re lonely.

For years, I worked in an abstract and isolating industry that made it difficult for me to meet people.

Making and keeping female friends was hard enough, but finding a quality guy? Well, that almost impossible. I was beyond lonely and it was destroying me. I filled my emotional void by settling for guys who were disrespectful and used me.

Eventually, I got tired of being treated like crap and took responsibility for putting myself in harm's way.

I decided to pour my feelings of loneliness into something that made me happy. I joined a gym, set some fitness goals and got to work on the new me. Years later I am a healthier, happier, and leaner person as a result.

So how about you? Are you likely to settle for a so so relationship simply to avoid being alone? Why not spend your emotional energy on yourself, rather than focusing on feelings that bring you down?

Need some examples? One of my clients began volunteering with a teen-mentoring group; another bought an adorable kitty to keep her company; while another decided to turn her hobby of handmade cards into a business.

There are lots of ideas, and if you really don't know where to start, try out a few new things! Open up your local community classes or parks and recreation guide, and give something new a try the next time you feel lonely and down.


2. You’re a fixer.

Like a lot of kids, I grew up in an unstable and unhappy home full of emotional abuse and neglect. I never dealt with the Post Traumatic Stress and anger that I felt once I moved out.

This translated into tons of baggage and emotional issues as a young adult.

Unfortunately for me, I chose to get involved with needy guys that had more problems than I did.  On a subconscious level, I chose to avoid fixing myself by focusing my time and efforts on fixing someone else.

As you can imagine, choosing this type of guy didn’t work out in my favor. I ended up emotionally burned-out from dealing with (and worrying about) needy men.

Finally, I admitted to myself that I had tons of baggage and needed professional help to unravel my negative feelings and emotions. Once I focused on healing myself, I stopped wasting time with this type of Mr. Wrong.

So how about you? If this scenario sounds familiar, ask yourself if it’s possible that your choosing to be with toxic men that have lots of problems simply to avoid your own.

If this is the case, start being mindful of your thoughts and motivations as they relate to men. You’ll eventually be able to rewire your brain and choose guys that are as strong and amazing as you are.

3. You’ve got "Ugly Duckling Syndrome".

Did you feel nerdy and awkward as a teen? I think a lot of us did. I was the classic "ugly duckling" growing up. It wasn’t easy being an athletic-but-chubby tomboy. Other kids made fun of me for being weird, which only contributed to my shyness and low self-esteem.

I grew into a beautiful woman, but into my late 20’s I still found myself feeling like that strange, chubby tomboy sitting all alone at a lunch table.

Once I started dating, I perceived that my options were limited and my best choice was to be with the first charming guy who paid me any attention.

Boy, what a gigantic waste of my time!

After I started working on my emotional health, mindset, and self-confidence I changed the way I saw my dating prospects and myself. It took a while but I finally recognized that I have many dating options and need to hold out for Mr. Fabulous.

So how about you? Do you still feel like an awkward looking teenager on the inside? Blame it on Ugly Duckling Syndrome.

No need to fear, I’ve got two ways for you to send the duckling away and realize the amazing women you’ve been all along:

Daily Affirmations and a Self-Love Journal.

For the affirmations, download a daily affirmation App to your phone (I love the Louise Hay Affirmations and ThinkUp: Positive Affirmation apps).

The video below is just one example from the Louise Hay app:


When you have some alone time, read an affirmation aloud at least five times. Speaking the affirmation will reinforce the words and create positive thoughts much more quickly.

For the Self-Love Journal, you’ll need a small notepad or the calendar on your phone.

In the morning and before bed, write down one thing that you love about yourself. This could be a physical trait, a character trait, or even something you’re good at. At the end of each week, reflect on each of your entries and remind yourself why you wrote what you did.

You’ll have more self-confidence in no time.

Using both the App and the Journal, you will soon begin to see yourself in a positive light and shift your mindset to help you see all the great that you are instead of what you fell you aren’t.

4. You feel like you should be with a guy.

I grew up in a very conservative upper middle-class city in Minnesota. Seemingly everyone stepped in line, marched to the same drum, and did what they were supposed to do in accordance with society rules. Not surprisingly, most my high school classmates went to college, got great jobs, and then found Mr. or Ms. Right to get started with married life.

Me, on the other hand? I didn’t get to take such a smooth path.

I graduated late from high graduated, couldn’t afford to go to college right away, and had to work as a dancer just to pay for community college classes.

Still, I wanted to be like all my peers and if I couldn’t have the education and good job, at least I could find a good guy and get married. Right?

Clearly, this was the wrong reason to seek out a relationship. I chose guys that told me what they wanted to hear until I figured out marriage wasn't their motive.

I think back on all my wasted time and energy, simply because I felt should be with someone because that was the norm.

These days the only "should" I take to heart relates to self-love and the fact that I should put myself first and hold out for a man that appreciates me and my past experiences in life. 

So how about you? Do you feel that you should find someone simply to fit in or please others? Remember the only person you need to make happy and fit in with is yourself.

Throw social pressure and others opinion out the window and embrace your own happiness. You’ll find the perfect guy, real love, and a healthy relationship, if and when you’re good and ready.

5. You have physical needs.

 I bet you’ve noticed by now that guys aren’t the only ones who need sex. Women need sex too, right?

Back in the day, I chose to be with men that I connected with in the bedroom and that’s about it. We had nothing in common and nothing to talk about other than our physical encounters

I quickly realized that the physical relationship made me want more of an emotional connection. Say the words "emotional connection" to a guy that’s looking a physical connection and he’ll likely trip on his pants while running for the door.

This was certainly the case with the men that I choose, and I ended up feeling disappointed and sad as a result.

Eventually, I figured out that taking matters into my own hands (with a little help from some battery-operated toys) saved me from heartaches and feeling used.

So how about you? Consider if short-term pleasure is worth your long-term emotional turmoil.

If you opt for the solo option, hop online to find bunches of female pleasure toys. I bet you’ll be happy you did.

So there you go; five reasons why you keep choosing the wrong guys over and over.

Remember, we’re only human and our emotions, needs, and motivations can make us to do things that aren’t in our best interests. The good news is that once we recognize we’re harming ourselves, we can take action to make changes start putting ourselves first  and eventually, we will be well-equipped to find Mr. Perfect.


Jess Brighton is a Life, Adversity and Reinvention Coach, and welcomes questions about divorce or any other topic you may be struggling with. Email Jess at Jess@jessicabrighton.com or visit JessBrighton.com to schedule a 30-minute strategy session to help you get back to a better place in the world.