To Get Over Him, I Had To Become A Woman

Love, Heartbreak

Find out what it really takes to mend a broken heart.

In 2006, after years of fights, break-ups, make-ups, and extensive marriage counseling, my then-husband and I decided on a trial separation, living cities apart. Still, we agreed for our 3 year anniversary that we needed to see if there was anything left to salvage by spending a weekend away together. While we were having obligatory anniversary sex, I looked up at him with his arms behind his head as a huge reality check slapped me fiercely across the my face. The voice inside my head starting screaming, "Really? Does it really have to be like this?" And even though my mind was screaming, my soul on the other hand continued feel so dead and depleted when I was with him. It was then that I realized my desire for a magical, passionate love affair wasn't ever going away. It was up to me to learn how to move on and make it happen. On my knees sobbing, I looked up at the sky and begged for a sign.

Three days later, a man asked me out on a date. He actually asked me, "Do you want to go out on a real date?" A little reluctantly, but feeling very intrigued (because it had been years since a man had asked me out), I agreed. I went into a passionate whirlwind romance and fell hard for him. You know, the kind where the sex is so off the charts you are convinced that he is your soulmate, and that nobody else could ever live up to him?

Yet the moment I asked my husband for a divorce, he disappeared and I was devastated. More accurately, I became obsessed. My attempts to get him back into my life and rekindle our hot passionate love affair, well, let's just say they went beyond pathetic and humiliating. So I made a phone call to the enrollment director for a women's sensuality course to ask her how I could get him back in my life. I felt so guilty about asking that I couldn't get the question out of my mouth, and instead enrolled in the course. Best guilt trip I've ever taken.

Over the next few months, I studied intensely exactly what it takes to unlock your femininity and be unapologetic about who you are as a woman in this world. It was the first time I was truly given permission to experience pleasure and my unique feminine essence on my terms. So what exactly did I learn? 3 things.

  1. Real Heterosexual Men Are Designed To Crave And Want To Be Close To Your Femininity: For many reasons, I used to believe that the way to a man's heart was to be as low maintenance as possible or a porn star in bed and domestic to boot. Which meant I spent a lot of time trying to prove I was just like one of the boys and didn't need a man. Or that I was the perfect wife material. Funny enough, after a while, most guys saw me as one of the boys; and focusing on what I thought he wanted in a woman instead of who I want to be made me bitter and resentful. Bitter and resentful are never attractive. Instead, I decided to unravel my unique feminine essence, exploring and owning parts of me that I had previously viewed as unimportant or unnecessary, including my creativity, passion, child-like giddiness, emotionality, physical turn-ons, curvaceous body and romantic desires.
  2. Embracing Your Femininity Gives You A New Level Of Intellectual Connection With Men. Do Not Ever Dumb Yourself Down EVER: Make no mistake: men worthy of your romantic attention are absolutely interested in your brain. They want to connect with you on more than just a physical level. Why? Because it heightens and prolongs their physical attraction to you. Men have to be mentally stimulated to maintain long-term love. Plus, there are no bigger bragging rights for a man than to have a woman in his life who is not only smart, but also loves being a woman.
  3. A Woman's Desires, Turn Ons, And Happiness Are Very Important To Men: Most men have a genuine interest in not screwing it up with us, especially from the beginning. They really care about the little things, like if you are having a great date as well, and are just as nervous—if not more so than you. A man's dilemma is that every woman is VERY different, and many women are not going to be satisfied, no matter what he does. This is where I learned to not only explore my unique feminine essence, but I also learned how to communicate what I wanted with men in a way that didn't blame or punish them. Because let's be honest ladies, so many of us are so exhausted from trying proving we can make it without a man that when he does try, we are hyper critical if he doesn't get it right, or we expect him to read our minds. And what we're not really letting men in on is the fact that we often have no clue what we want. We are constantly setting men up to fail, and those of us who do ask for what we want most of the time, well that comes after years of asking for nothing and becoming bitter and resentful.

Essentially it boils down to this; you definitely deserve what you want, and men deserve to be asked in a playful, intriguing and non-prosecuting manner. Remember, bitter and resentful are never attractive and never, ever seductive.

So Jenn, how did these lessons help you mend your broken heart? Men started coming out of the woodwork for me to practice with. I studied and practiced, then studied and practiced some more, until I realized that my heart was no longer broken. And for the very first time in my life, I was legitimately giddy about men on a regular basis. I felt seen, noticed, and respected, but most of all, I felt adored. Men were taking me out on dates and spoiling me. I was getting messages about what a great time they had with me, how they couldn't wait to see me again, etc.

But the best part is: Now, I'm in the most amazing relationship with the kind of man I've always wanted. And he's crazy about me! We have a beautiful 6-year-old daughter together, and eight years later, he still calls several times a day and sends me love letters whenever we're apart! I am the most loved, adored, supported and cherished that I have ever been, and it all started the day I decided to become a woman.