Single On Valentine's Day? Here's How Cupid Could Be Working Against You

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single on valentines day

Are you single on Valentine's Day... again?

Many single women have a strong, negative emotional reaction to all the commercial hoopla of Valentine's Day. I get it. Hardly anyone wants to be single on Valentine's Day.

I remember the crushing feeling of being single yet again as February 14th rolled around, while I was still looking for love. This pressure to find my true love increased with every passing year, especially in my mid to late thirties.

I wondered, “Will I ever find true love? Is there really a good man out there for me? Am I too late to be looking for love? Has it already passed me by?”

I started to hate all the hearts and flowers because I knew none of them were for me. No long-stem red roses, no heart-shaped boxes of chocolate and no romantic, candle-lit dinners.

Eventually, I dreaded Valentine's Day and it’s exclusionary meaning, and sneered at the mushy symbols and accoutrement. Being single on Valentine's Day sucked.

Somehow, my disdain for the whole shebang centered on that supposedly delightful cherub Cupid with his bow and arrow. He took on an evil persona in my mind, and I concluded he was working against me!

However, what I eventually realized about Cupid and the ways he worked against me, lead me to figure out how I could turn it around — and how you can, too.

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Here's what ladies who are single on Valentine's Day and looking for true love should know: 

1. Don’t expect Cupid to find love for you. 

Cupid supposedly shoots his arrow at men and makes them fall in love with you. If this was for real, that would mean you don’t have to DO ANYTHING to find love yourself.

Instead, you can just wait around for Cupid and one day the right guy will just fall for you. Clearly this is nonsense. Don't leave your romantic fate in the hands of another — especially not a winged cherub.

To find love and the right man, it's up to YOU. It requires your active participation in the search and putting yourself out there to meet potential candidates.

Whether you try online dating, apps, or ask friends and family to fix you up, you've got to take action.

2. Don't let someone else choose the right man for you.

If you are waiting around hoping some guy will suddenly become love-struck by Cupid for you, you are leaving the power outside yourself.

On top of that, you need to be engaged with the process to choose the right man, so you just don't go for the first guy BECAUSE he's the one who showed up. You want to be sure you have found a compatible match.

If you want lasting love, you need to know the qualities you want in a man and in your relationship. You can’t leave this up to pure chance or anyone else. That's how people end up stuck in unsatisfying or unhealthy relationships.

When you are involved in the search, you date potential partners to discover who might be a good fit. This is much more effective for finding the right man, so long as you are willing to let go of the wrong men to find him.

3. Love may be magic, but magical thinking isn't enough to find it.

I'm all for the Law of Attraction and successfully used it to find the man I've been happily married to for years. I recited affirmations, created a vision board, and imagined how I'd feel in the arms of the right man, as if it were true right then. 

Sure, I did these things to shift my energy and attract love. However, I didn't stop there — I did something to meet men every week. I went to singles' events, bars and had people set me up on blind dates, in addition to the usual methods.

This blending of what I call the “Inner and Outer” methods worked in unison to help me find love. But, when I became a Dating Coach, I had a client who said she had done EVERYTHING to find love including candle magic, prayer, affirmations, meditation, etc. Yet, when I asked what she had done to meet men, she looked at me blankly and finally whispered, “Um, nothing.” That explained her inability to find love for me.

The Law of Attraction is extremely powerful, but it's not a means to deliver what you want in a vacuum. You still must take steps to find the love you want, while saying those affirmations and feeling positive about your chances.

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4. Finding love should be easy.

Occasionally a woman will say to me, “Why is finding love so hard? It should be easy!” While I agree that would be nice, what in life is easy? With almost any goal you choose, you need to come up with a plan, address obstacles in your path, and persevere until you achieve what you set your mind to. Finding love is no different.

I'm not suggesting dating and finding love should be difficult, just that it requires effort and a willingness to see it through to the result you want. If only love could be as simple as Cupid shooting an arrow! But that is not realistic.

Cupid, the winged cherub son of Venus (the ancient Goddess of love from Roman mythology), represents the joy and whimsy of what love can bring. Why not use this idea to help you stay light-hearted about the journey and chill a bit? If you get clear about what you want in a partner and do your part to meet men regularly, you will find love.

5. Remember that Valentine’s Day is just one day.

The great thing about this holiday is that it lasts 24 hours, and then it's over! You have 364 other days a year to completely ignore ridiculous Cupid. Stop feeling pressured by society, Hallmark, or yourself to be in a relationship on this one day or any other time for that matter.

My dating coaching clients who feel highly pressured to find a relationship immediately, actually do themselves more harm than good. The intensity of the vibes they exude are picked up by single men as desperation, causing them to steer clear. Feeling you MUST find love now actually is a potent "man repellent." Strong, heart-felt desire is motivating; however, desperation is not attractive.

RELATED: 7 Ways Single Ladies Can Own Valentine's Day This Year

Now that you know how Cupid and his big day might work against you and what can do about it, I hope you'll relax about the holiday.

Or better still, find ways to celebrate with your girlfriends. One year, I gave roses to my two best girlfriends as we enjoyed dinner, making champagne toasts to each other and the love we would find next year. So cheers to you and your new outlook on love!

Ronnie Ann Ryan is a Dating Coach for Women over 40 who has helped successful single gals find love for over 15 years. Ready to stop wasting precious time on dating mistakes that keep you single? Get her free book, 7 Dire Dating Mistakes that Keep You Single.