People Who Secretly Don't Want A Relationship Do 10 Low-Key Things To Sabotage Them
People can say they want a real relationship all they want, but if their actions don't match, it's time to end it.
Ahmed | Unsplash I cannot count how many times a day I run across people discussing "relationship goals". We hashtag it wherever we see people with admirable relationships, and we all let out a collective wistful sigh. We all seem to want the same things, but not all of us act like it when we're in a relationship. Some people even sabotage the very thing they claim to want.
If what we’re really interested in is having the kind of long-term relationship that inspires this sort of wistfulness in others, we’re going to need to level up. This means that we can’t just put minimal effort into our relationships. It also means watching out for low-key signs of sabotage to your ideal relationship. After all, some people say they want to it all, but subconsciously may sabotage it.
People who secretly don't want relationships do 10 things to sabotage them:
1. Subconsciously shopping for someone new
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I’m not talking about your basic retail therapy. I’m talking about the texts and DMs we’re sending to people we’re attracted to while we’re still in a committed relationship. This happens all the time. If we’re in a relationship, there’s no reason to be testing the waters elsewhere.
Are you unsatisfied with your current relationship? Be a grownup and either work on the relationship or end it, not a monkey swinging to the next available branch because you want to make sure you have other options.
If you're in a relationship with someone who is sneaky with their phone or computer, be aware that they might have someone they're currently "window shopping" and let that person go if they cannot see why this is a problem. After all, they're secretly telling you that they don't want to be in a relationship with this behavior.
2. Holding back during conversations
Disappearing. The silent treatment. Avoiding difficult conversations. Being passive-aggressive. All of these behaviors keep us from having the relationship goals we want. When there’s a problem in our relationships, we need to speak up. Even if it means ending the relationship, we need to be honest with ourselves and our partners about where we stand. Our partners aren’t mind-readers.
I’ve heard people say that they go quiet to make things easier. Easier for who? It’s certainly not easier for the person you’ve left with no explanation. Just be honest. It’s possible to be kind and honest at the same time. Sure, it hurts. It’s uncomfortable. But don’t make yourself more comfortable at someone else’s expense.
Instead of avoiding communication, we can learn to communicate effectively. A big part of that is being upfront with people when we date, laying all of our cards out on the table. Another part is being honest with our feelings and expectations, rather than just hoping for the best while hiding how we really feel.
If your partner is doing any of this, they're low-key trying to tell you that they aren't interested in the relationship. At least not as much as you are.
3. Assuming their partner will always be there
One of the problems with a long-term relationship is that it can be easy to get complacent. No longer feeling lucky to have our partners is the death knell of any relationship. It’s not something we’re going to feel all the time. It takes work, and it takes appreciating what the other person brings to the relationship.
I’ve noticed that many people think that once you’re in an official relationship or even living together dating is a thing that stops.
Taking the time for dates is a great way to stay connected, and both partners should share in the responsibility for planning them and suggesting ideas. Don’t just think dinner and a movie. Think outside of the box to keep the relationship interesting.
Taking partners for granted can extend into so many areas. It can be an uneven distribution of work in the home. It can be an uneven distribution of work and pleasure. It can be surrounding finances. It can simply be expecting them to make all the effort while we coast through the relationship.
So keep an eye out for these behaviors from your partner or yourself. If either of your attempts to fully appreciate the other aren't making much difference, you (or they) likely just don't want a relationship.
4. Settling for less than they clearly want
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We need to quit settling for the wrong relationships if we ever want to achieve actual relationship goals. We have to stop ignoring red flags and choosing to stay with people who show us with their words and/or actions that we don’t matter. Or that what they want matters more.
It seems like we have made longevity the gold standard for relationships. That standard can make it hard to let go when we need to. If we’re with someone who makes us feel that we aren’t loved and appreciated, we’ve settled. If our needs are constantly taking a backseat to theirs, we’ve settled.
If we’re staying in the relationship out of fear rather than love, we’ve settled. There are worse things than being alone. We shouldn’t settle for being in a relationship with someone else because we don’t know how to be in a relationship with ourselves.
When it comes to your partner, you shouldn't feel like they're settling by being with you. If they act that way, they're either a total jerk or sabotaging your relationship. You deserve better.
5. Expecting someone else to make them happy
There’s this idea floating around out there in our society that a relationship should make us happy. I think we’ve gotten our signals crossed with this. A healthy relationship can give us a sense of happiness, but we’re not supposed to make the other person in the relationship responsible for making us happy. The truth is that we are responsible for our own happiness.
In unhealthy relationships, we’re often made to feel like the other person’s unhappiness is our fault. I’ve even been told this. I’ve had two significant relationships where the other parties blamed their dissatisfaction in life on me. It couldn’t just be a bad day or their own poor choices. If they weren’t feeling particularly positive, it must be because I wasn’t fulfilling their every fantasy by my mere existence.
If we’re not happy, we need to examine our own priorities and choices and figure out a way to feel better about our lives without saddling our partners with that responsibility. If we want to be one of those "relationship goals" couples, we need to quit trying to make relationships everything by surrendering our own personal power for the choices we make and the way we feel. If you or your partner continue doing this, you simply might not be ready for a relationship.
6. Making the relationship their entire world
A truly healthy relationship isn’t two people who have made each other their whole world. That may be cute in the occasional movie, but it’s far from healthy. Our romantic relationships can’t meet every need we have, nor should they.
We need other people populating our worlds. We need family and friends, healthy social outlets, and other interests and hobbies. Our whole lives shouldn’t be tied up in one other person. This type of isolation is a sign of co-dependence, and it’s not usually a sign of a healthy, happy relationship.
While we do need to have commonalities that we share in a relationship, it’s also important that we have time to ourselves, too, and time to have relationships with other people. We should be able to have friends, explore interests, and be whole individuals. We’re not halves of a whole. We should be full individuals who are in relationships with other full individuals who don’t expect us to give up who we are to meet their need for completion.
If your partner seems to be making you their entire world, it may be a sign that they aren't ready for a healthy relationship. This is something you can work on together. If it doesn't change, this may sabotage your relationship even if you don't intend it.
7. Accepting or encouraging inequality in the relationship
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I’ve never looked at an unequal relationship and thought "ooh, relationship goals!" I should probably clarify that I don’t think any relationship is equal all the time. Sometimes, one person’s wants and needs may become the priority. In a healthy relationship, this should alternate based on what is needed at the time. But, unfortunately, this isn’t often the case.
The truth is that inequality in relationships has been normalized to the extent that some relationship problems are born out of the expectation that a relationship is supposed to look a certain way.
I had an ex tell me that women should be responsible for all domestic work. After all, all the women in his life had done it successfully. Why couldn’t I? He honestly felt that my work and my passions should come after him and my kids.
My first reaction was, have we met? After that, I wondered how I could have gone through the entire relationship not realizing that he had this expectation.
I would never have dated anyone who expressed this sort of value system. I’m not last in my own life. None of us should be. While I do shape my life around my kids and their needs, I don’t come in last place because I’m a mother. I certainly don’t think I should prioritize a relationship over myself by sacrificing my work and passion to be on call for someone else’s needs.
Adults ought to be able to take care of themselves and not expect someone else to fulfill their every wish. That’s the type of misogyny that keeps us from sharing in a healthy partnership with someone who values us as individuals. If your partner is doing this, it's likely they don't want a relationship with an adult, they want an employee.
8. Making the relationship seem perfect
In this age of social media, it can be easy to make our relationships look good. We can brag about our relationships and only post the good things. After my own divorce, I became deeply suspicious of people who do this.
After all, I had managed to convey the idea that I was in a happy marriage for years, even though it wasn’t true. While I’m not a fan of airing all of our dirty laundry online, I am a fan of being authentic. I made things look a certain way because I was afraid of what people would think if they knew how I was living. I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me.
I had a married man hit on me repeatedly on social media. When asking him to stop wasn’t effective, I told him that I would share his messages with his wife if he persisted. Of course, he continued. Not just on Facebook. When I blocked him there, he took to other forms of social media to continue sending messages that made me feel uncomfortable. I finally messaged his wife. I explained the situation and my discomfort. She didn't reply, but they both continued posting as if all were great between them.
If our relationships aren’t great, we don’t have to pretend they are. But we can’t have the kind of relationship we want if we don’t acknowledge problems.
If your partner seems like they enjoy performing "relationship goals" rather than living them (or if you notice this in your own behavior), it may be a sign they don't want to be in the relationship.
9. Phoning it in
This is easy to do because so many of us are on our smartphones all the time. But what I’m really talking about is investing as little time and energy into our relationships as we can get away with. This comes in many forms. It’s when we don’t actually listen to what our partners are saying.
It’s when we spend more time checking in with our online friends than with our partners. It’s when we do the minimum because romantic gestures, addressing problems, and giving time and energy into a relationship all require effort.
While we may all go through periods where we just don’t have the energy, we can’t have great relationships if all we ever do is give minimal effort to our partners. We need to make sure that we nurture our relationships, putting in a real effort to maintain their strength.
So watch out for a partner who phones it in, both literally and figuratively. They may simply not want a relationship, but don't realize it quite yet.
10. Wishing the relationship could go back to the beginning
This can be a common block to a great love. We want our relationships to stay the same as they were in the beginning, but that’s impossible to maintain. There are ways, however, that we can continue to get to know each other and enjoy our time together if we’re willing to make an effort. Keeping romance alive takes effort and participation from both partners.
When we fall in love with the idea of love or the rush of new relationships, it becomes easy to get disillusioned with long-term or committed relationships. Instead of spicing up our physical connection or getting creative with date night, many people start shopping around, cheating, expressing dissatisfaction, and generally feeling like the relationship isn’t a good one, rather than considering that a good relationship requires our attention and participation.
In reality, the honeymoon phase doesn't last. Even relationships that remain romantic for a lifetime change and grow and experience challenges. If someone doesn't seem capable of accepting this normal process, they may secretly not want a relationships. If this sounds like you, it's possible you've been sabotaging the relationship, too.
Sure, it’s cute when we see pictures of a little elderly couple doing something adorable together. But those pictures don’t tell us when they met or how long they’ve been together. Maybe they just started dating or maybe they’re on a second or third marriage. All we know is that at the moment when the photo was taken, they gave us "relationship goals" vibes.
But relationship goals are more than just a quick picture of an elderly couple holding hands or a couple on a bicycle built for two. Relationship goals are keeping the romance alive, even when it’s hard and we’re tired and it’s easier to be complacent.
Relationship goals can be showing each other enthusiastic support for our interests and finding a balance so that both partners can live a full, healthy life. Relationship goals are confronting problems and working on them with honesty and respect. It’s valuing each other and trying, even when we screw it all up with the best of intentions. It’s apologizing when we screw up and trying again. It’s saying that love matters and romance isn’t the pretty flash, but the work that creates it because it’s important.
We say we want relationship goals, but we don’t always want to do the things we need to do to have them. It’s not something that will come to us without any effort at all. If we want strong relationships, we need to consider the effort we put into them to be the strength training that creates and maintains them. The first start to getting our relationships strong is to get rid of these 10 blocking behaviors.
Crystal Jackson is a former family therapist who writes across genres to encompass blog posts, poetry, short stories, children's books, and literary fiction. Read more of her writing on Medium, and follow her on Facebook.
