Men Who Are Ashamed Of Their Marriage Always Avoid These 11 Topics
They're too focused on their own emotional turmoil for quality time or affection.
Photoroyalty | Shutterstock Deeply rooted shame in a marriage often predicts relationship satisfaction and levels of intimacy, according to a study from Brigham Young University, but these complex emotions affect men differently from their female partners. From leveraging social sabotage to struggling with intimacy, a man’s shame often manifests itself through avoidant behaviors and tendencies, both emotionally and physically.
Even in conversations, men who are ashamed of their marriage always avoid these topics. Whether their shame is rooted in attraction, personal shifting values, or sheer embarrassment, you can often stop the red flags for their shame in small, passing, casual interactions between them and their partners.
Men who are ashamed of their marriage always avoid these 11 topics
1. Divorce or separation
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Even if they’re unhappy, unfulfilled, and emotionally disconnected from their partners, a husband who’s ashamed of his marriage may still avoid topics of divorce. As clinical psychologist Seth Meyers explains, divorce often holds a great deal of shame, even for people already insecure and embarrassed in their marriage.
If they’re avoiding topics of divorce or separation, chances are the emotional turmoil their present shame sparks is already too much to handle. They can’t deal with another uncomfortable conversation or difficult topic because they’re already barely surviving.
2. Anniversaries and birthdays
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While little things and casual moments actually do mean the most in many relationships, there’s no denying that the big stuff — anniversaries, birthdays, and milestones — still plays a role in bonding couples closer together. However, if a husband is ashamed of his marriage, chances are he’s avoiding it all, uncomfortable with making space for intimacy with someone he feels so innately disconnected from.
According to the Gottman Institute, many couples who grow disconnected experience a shift in their routine. Everything is focused on logistics, and all of their interactions start to feel like routine obligations, rather than connecting moments. So, it’s no surprise that shame and emotional disconnection between partners often cause an overlook of big milestones and celebratory moments.
3. Affection
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If partners are struggling with intimacy in their relationships, chances are communication is the only thing that will allow them to heal and move forward. However, men who are ashamed of their marriage or the disconnect that it's sparked may avoid these uncomfortable conversations, trying to self-soothe their own internal shame with isolation.
Alongside their avoidance, according to a study from the Journal of Criminal Justice, shame can often spark an “attack others” coping mechanism, where partners often name-call and start petty arguments to distract from the real issues at hand. So, these partners may be arguing more, but simultaneously avoiding the topics that they need to address to move forward.
4. Their partner’s aspirations
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Whether it’s plans for the future or their partner’s goals, a shame-filled man will often completely avoid topics that require them to show up, support, and celebrate their spouses. Especially if their shame has transformed into a kind of resentment or envy toward the other, it’s not surprising that self-soothing for them is hidden in avoidance.
Even though it gives them a fleeting sense of comfort, avoiding problems doesn’t make them go away — it only prompts more stress and strain over time.
5. Parenting choices
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According to psychotherapist Sean Grover, many marriages that lack healthy communication and coping skills struggle to resolve conflicts and handle life changes, especially when it comes to parenting and having children. The added stress and strain of parenting often ruins marriages, unequipped to handle the highs and lows — hence the disconnection parents may feel alongside shame in their relationships.
If it’s a point of stress and contention in their lives, men who are ashamed of their marriage may avoid these parenting topics completely. They’d prefer to avoid confrontation that illuminates their marriage’s faults.
6. How they met
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Often a reminder of how things have shifted for the worse in their marriage, speaking about how they met is usually something a husband who’s ashamed of their marriage always avoids. Admitting to regret in a marriage is largely uncomfortable and stressful, hence the avoidance that comes from stories of how their relationship has evolved over the years.
Men who are ashamed of their marriage always avoid these topics. They’d prefer to bask in ignorant bliss over the state of their marriage than address these issues, especially in a social setting, straight on.
7. Vulnerable emotions
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Men often lean on their relationships and need them more than their female partners because of the safe space they provide for vulnerability. If they’re not given the space to open up and express themselves with their friends or family, having space to do that at home with a partner is so important.
However, once they’ve lost trust, a safe space, and connection with their partners, the relationship shifts back to one of avoidance. They’re suppressing their emotions, avoiding vulnerability, and cultivating resentment by keeping concerns to themselves.
8. Their relationship issues
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While it’s true that couples who experience less negative communication boast better relationship satisfaction, as a study from Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin explains, arguments don’t have to be negative. In fact, arguments are often healthy, positive, and uplifting for couples who know how to do them well.
However, for a man who’s living with shame about his relationship, chances are he’s not only avoiding confrontation but struggling to truly argue in a healthy way to resolve concerns that come up.
9. Things that hurt their feelings
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Healthy couples who love each other deeply often can’t avoid occasionally hurting one another. It’s a fact of life — people will make mistakes, people will get hurt, but there’s always space to heal and move forward. However, for men who are ashamed of their marriages, when their feelings are hurt, they generally avoid talking about it entirely.
Their relationship is disconnected because they hold onto emotions and concerns for so long that they turn to resentment. They’re constantly holding their partners to unrealistic expectations and expecting them to be “mind readers,” at the expense of their connection and trust.
10. Quality time together
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Whether it’s staying at work for longer or shifting their bedtime, a man who’s ashamed of his marriage will stop prioritizing quality time together. Even small things like planning dates for the future and having conversations about quality time are off the table — they’re too focused on coping with and self-soothing their own internal battles.
Unfortunately, according to a Contemporary Family Therapy study, it’s this quality time that binds couples closer together, assists them in resolving conflicts, and brings them back together after a period of disconnection.
11. Compliments
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Even though giving compliments and making space to flirt in a long-term relationship allows partners to feel seen and valued, it’s one of the topics that men who are ashamed of their marriages avoid.
Whether it’s a sign that they’re no longer attracted to their partners or simply are battling their own emotional chaos, if they’re harboring shame, making space for this positive, affectionate, and light-hearted language is the least of their concerns.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
