11 Phrases Bad Husbands Say On Purpose To Make You Feel Bad About Yourself, According To Research
A man who says these things to you on purpose does not deserve your love.
Aquamethods / Shutterstock When you enter a marriage, you never expect things to go badly. Love and joy brought two people together. You expect those feelings to stick around forever. Unfortunately, there are times when the person you love turns into someone you never expected them to be. It may start slowly, with someone making rude or inappropriate comments. Eventually, he will turn into someone who says bad things on purpose to make you feel bad about yourself.
“Men who habitually insult their wives or girlfriends do so, somewhat paradoxically, as part of a broader strategy to prevent them from leaving for someone else — what evolutionary psychologists call 'mate retention',” says Christian Jarrett of the British Psychological Society. Mate retention tactics can include saying and doing things that are intentionally hurtful. They use this behavior as a way to break down her self-esteem and make her think that he is the only one who will truly love her. Of course, these actions are far from a display of love. Once you recognize this behavior, you will know you deserve more than your partner is giving you.
These are 11 phrases bad husbands say on purpose to make you feel bad about yourself, according to research
1. ‘You’re too sensitive’
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If you are in tune with your feelings, you have a special ability to deeply understand the situations around you. Being sensitive is not a bad thing, though many people will try to tell you that it is. When a man says that you are too sensitive, he is trying to dismiss how you feel. He doesn’t want to admit that he could be hurting you. He finds it easier to point the finger at you.
Unfortunately, a bad husband will use this excuse a lot. He will know that he is doing something wrong, but if he can pass it off as you being ‘too sensitive,’ it will get him off the hook. Eventually, you will believe that maybe you are too deep in your feelings. It’s a classic way to wiggle his way out of being held accountable. Research shows that saying this phrase will make you question your own beliefs about yourself.
2. ‘Way to overreact’
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If something hurts your feelings, you have every right to call them on that bad behavior. If a man knows he is acting poorly but isn’t ready to take accountability, he will instead try to make you feel bad about yourself by claiming you were overreacting. He wants you to think you are the problem, not him. He is finding a way to place the blame on you.
“Despite what you or others may think, you never overreact... or with a change of perspective, you can at least see how your reaction is understandable — whether you are expressing extreme anxiety, fear, anger, depression, or something else,” says Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps. “I know that sounds extreme, but the label 'overreaction' is a judgment call, based on how reactions are framed. Change your framing and you may change your assessment.”
3. ‘No one else would put up with you’
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When you have a bad husband, you will be tempted to leave. It can be hard to decide to walk away. More likely than not, these men want you to stay with them out of a need for control. He will try to convince you that he is the only person who would ever be with you. That’s not only hurtful, but completely incorrect.
Using this phrase is a tactic he has to make you feel bad about yourself. He knows that he is the problem, whether he wants to admit it or not. Instead of taking any accountability or working with you to make the relationship better, he will quickly try to convince you that no one else but him will ever truly love you. This couldn’t be further from the truth, but it is a successful way to try to make you feel bad about yourself.
4. ‘’You’re lucky I even stay with you’
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A bad husband will go out of his way to say things that will hurt you. One phrase he may use is "You’re lucky I even stay with you." He’s trying to make you feel bad about yourself when he says this. He wants you to be grateful for him staying with you, because he’s convinced you that you are so difficult to be with that no one else would be able to put up with you.
“Over time, you start to internalize these words. You wonder if maybe they’re right. Maybe you really are too much, or not enough,” says Amanda Young, MC, LCT-C, CCC. “Maybe you should try harder, be quieter, take up less space. That’s the power of emotional abuse — it seeps into your sense of self until you can’t tell where their voice ends and yours begins.”
5. ’’I only act this way because of you’
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It can be hard for a man to admit he is acting poorly. Bad behavior is something they will always avoid being held accountable for. It’s easier for them to point the finger at you than consider their own actions. When a bad husband says something like, "I only act this way because of you," he is trying to place the blame on you.
When a bad husband treats you poorly and you call him out for it, he will become combative. He won’t hear you out. Instead, he’ll flip it on you. He acts out because of you. It’s the only way he can teach you a lesson, he may say. Unfortunately, this form of manipulation can be damaging. He can make you feel bad about yourself with this phrase.
6. ‘You never do anything right’
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This is a phrase a bad husband often uses. He will say this to make you feel bad about yourself. In reality, he is the one hurting you, but he will want you to believe you are the one harming the relationship. He’ll tell you that you never do anything right, when in reality, he is trying to explain away his bad behavior. This is a gaslighting tactic.
“One of the problems with dating someone who’s emotionally immature is that the relationship always ends up being about them. People with chronically low self-esteem and major insecurities are always looking for ways to feel better. And often this comes at the expense of other people,” says life coach Nick Wignall.
7. ‘You’re imagining things’
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When a bad husband is doing something that hurts you, he may try to flip the script and convince you that you’re imagining the issue altogether. He will say, "You’re imagining things," as a way to make you question your own beliefs. You will become convinced that you’re making a big deal out of nothing and start to excuse his behavior.
This is a phrase that makes you feel bad. It can have you thinking you are being too hard on your partner. Maybe everything you thought was happening was just in your head. It’s disheartening, and it’s terrible to see how it impacts the self-esteem and confidence of women who find themselves in bad relationships with even worse husbands.
8. ‘I wish you were someone else’
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Imagine this. You’re doing the best you can in your relationship. Your bad husband then says that he wishes you were someone else. Maybe it’s someone specific that he knows. Or, it could be a broad statement he purposely uses to make you feel bad about yourself. Regardless of what his mindset behind the phrase is, it’s a deeply upsetting thing to be told.
“At the end of the day, marriage should be a safe space. Not perfect. Not without conflict. But safe. You should be able to speak without fear. You should be able to cry without being mocked. You should be able to make a mistake without being shamed,” says Clara Izara on Medium. “If your husband can’t or won’t give you that, it’s time to stop accepting crumbs and start honoring your value.”
9. ‘Nothing is ever good enough for you’
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When a bad husband wants to make you feel bad about yourself, he will say something like "Nothing is ever good enough for you." This is a common way they will try to point the finger at you as if you are the problem. If you go to your husband and explain how something makes you feel, and he tries to play it off like your expectations are too high, you have a bad husband.
A good husband will always make sure you are being heard. A bad husband will tell you that nothing is ever good enough for you instead of working to improve his behavior. Let’s face it, men can struggle to be good partners. When they refuse to hear you out and claim you are too hard to please, they are trying to make you feel like you’re the problem.
10. ‘You’re the problem’
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Men can do things to hurt our feelings. That’s just the truth. When a bad husband struggles to take accountability for his own behavior, he will tell you that you’re the problem. He won’t listen to your genuine concerns. Instead, he will try to make you feel bad. He doesn’t want to take accountability for how he negatively impacts the relationship.
“Blaming your partner for your unhappiness is not a healthy way to work through your own issues or challenges in your relationship,” says Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. “It's essential to be aware of your negative thoughts and challenge them, communicate openly, express your needs, and work together to find solutions that benefit your relationship.”
11. 'You can't live without me'
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Few phrases are more hurtful than "You can’t live without me." Bad husbands use this phrase to convince you that leaving them would be a bad decision. They’ll try to convince you that you’re not able to care for yourself. You need him to take care of you. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s frustrating and upsetting to hear, and can instantly make you feel bad about yourself.
A man who says this is purposely trying to convince you that you are nothing without them. Your life hangs in their hands. If you wanted to leave because of the way you were being treated, he’s telling you that you would not survive without him. This is a manipulation tactic that can keep even the strongest women trapped in horrible relationships with bad husbands.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
