Are You In A Sexless Marriage? Look For Unresolved Emotions


If you can stop blaming and dig into your daily atttitudes, you can find reasons for sexless times.

We can hear about the most usual causes of the sexless situation being explained in public as work stress causing distance and eventual lack of interest, overwhelm and lack of energy. Whatever the cause, most of us accept that when couples aren't connecting intimately, their physical and emotional needs aren't being met and their marriage suffers.

Let's look at the emotional dynamics underneath, the respective vision of each other watching their frustrating partner, and attrbuting different reasons for such lack of interest and we will find a nest of undeclared emotiones acting out. If, and this is a great if, the issues not being mentioned are not attended to, we can find a progressive process towards emotional separation and divorce.

The hidden dialogue of frustration and resentment goes like this:

Her internal monologue can be something like this: "How do you think I'll get near you? You have ignored or put me down in front of your friends!", "You don't care enough about me anymore to ask why I'm too angry to sleep with you."

While he can be telling himself another different story:  "Why is she rejecting me again? She never wants to sleep with me anymore, why is this? Is she frigid or something?"

This is the wall of negative emotions, frustrated self-esteem and much hurt. Both accuse the other of losing interest, rejecting intimacy and sex, while never owning the personal pain of rejection. Being sexually lonely in a marriage is felt as rejection, the problem is that neither of them can confess their hurt, because they feel humiliated to tell what the other should know automatically about him, her and in this way we wait for the other to speak what we ourselves can't say. "I he loved me as he says he does, he should know me better; why he doesn't realize that I'm feeling hurt and unloved?"

There is a couple of very hurt people here. If we believe that sex is something that has to appear with regularity, independently of how people feel accepted or loved by the other, we are assuming a wrong perspective. Sex is the ultimate validation of each other, and it's not so espontaenous, but pivoting on a series of reflections:

is she accepting me annd not making me feel not good enough for her?

Is he appreciating me in other areas, and not only seeking me in bed?

How important am I for him/her?

Sex is the test: how much I appreciate your interest in me will be reflected by my interest in having sex with you. Sex is not sex in itself, but a confirmation of my relationship with the other.

We can talk with couples in therapy how to make time for sex, how not to be so invested in other challenges that sex becomes an obligation. We can suggest this or that book on sexual techniques, but if we forget that sex is validation of a strong relationship manifesting along daily life, we are in the dark.

The basic plan is:

Ask the other person:

What is going on in our relationship? is resentment about an issue that we have not discussed poisoning the relationship now?

And ask yourself:

How much am I focused on knowing about his/her needs and solving them? which of his needs am I ignoring or covering up? how much hidden anger is freezing her from my advances?

How much humiliation from past unresolved issues is blocking me from attending her love needs?

A sincere attitude towards opening this conversation and owning our part of the emotional freezing caused goes a long way.