5 Reasons You Don't Want To Have Sex Anymore, According To A Sex Therapist
A magical sex life is possible when you know the science of how to fix it.
iam luisao | Pexels Most of us long for more than just sex. We long for intimacy, passion, connection, and the magical feeling of being fully known and fully desired. But, like many of the people I’ve worked with over the past two decades, you may feel stuck.
Maybe the spark in your long-term relationship has fizzled. Maybe your libido has gone quiet, and you’re not sure how to wake it up. Or maybe you’ve never had the kind of sex life you secretly dream about, and you’re wondering if it’s just too late. Here’s the truth: a deeply connected, nourishing, and even magical sex life is possible. But first, you’ve got to understand what’s standing in your way.
Here are 5 reasons you don't want to have sex anymore, according to a sex therapist:
1. You’re disconnected from your desire
Desire isn’t a light switch you flip on when the conditions are right. It’s a current that runs through you: physical, emotional, and energetic. But that current gets disrupted when we’re stressed, overwhelmed, or constantly giving to others.
If you’ve lost touch with what turns you on or what makes you feel alive, your desire isn’t gone. It’s just buried under layers of exhaustion, distraction, or emotional noise.
The Fix:
One powerful way to reconnect with yourself is by creating a desire inventory. Take a few minutes to write down:
- What lights me up?
- What textures, sounds, smells, sensations bring me alive?
- When do I feel most magnetic or powerful?
Let the answers come from your body, not your to-do list. You’re not trying to perform or fix anything. You’re listening for subtle signals that have been drowned out by exhaustion, busyness, or shame.
Then, begin bringing those elements into your life in low-pressure, non-sexual ways. If velvet makes you feel sensual, wear it under your sweater. If candlelight shifts your energy, light one while you wash dishes. If you crave being seen, let someone compliment you without deflecting.
2. You’ve been taught to perform, not to feel
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We live in a culture that confuses performance with pleasure. From a young age, many of us, especially women, are taught that we should look sexy rather than feel sensual. That sex is something we do for someone else, rather than something we experience from within. But performative sex isn’t sustainable. It leads to disconnection, resentment, and burnout.
The Fix: Shift the focus from how you look to how you feel. One gentle way to begin: next time you’re alone, put on music and move your body, not to burn calories or look cute, but to explore sensation. Let yourself move slowly, even awkwardly. There’s no audience. This is about you.
As you move, twirl your hips in non-linear shapes. Place your hands on different parts of your body. Touch your arms, your belly, your thighs without judgment. Notice where you feel numb, where you feel alive, and where you feel resistance. These are all invitations to reconnect.
This isn’t about getting turned on (although that can happen). It’s really about remembering you are allowed to feel. The more you let yourself inhabit your body, the more intimacy becomes something you experience, not something you perform.
3. You’re waiting for the perfect moment
So many people tell themselves they’ll focus on sex “when things settle down.” When the kids are older. When they lose weight. When the stress eases. When the stars align. And many are still waiting.
We’re also deeply conditioned to believe that sex should be spontaneous, or it’s not “real” or romantic. But that belief quietly sabotages the connection. Because let’s be honest: in busy, modern life, spontaneity rarely strikes the same way it did in the early days.
The Fix: Let go of the myth that great sex has to be spontaneous. In Sex Magic, I talk about the power of intentional intimacy, and that includes planning for it. Scheduled sex isn’t boring! It’s liberating. It gives you space to build anticipation, flirt all day, and enter your time together with presence instead of pressure.
Start by choosing a regular “connection window” each week. Make it sacred. Phones off, no distractions, no expectations. Whether you make love or just snuggle and talk, that dedicated time rekindles intimacy and makes it easier for desire to rise.
Remember: you don’t have to wait for a lightning bolt. You can light the fire yourself.
4. You’re not speaking the truth of your heart (or your body)
Communication is the lifeblood of intimacy, but most of us were never taught how to talk about sex in an open, shame-free way. We’re afraid to hurt our partner’s feelings, afraid of being judged, or afraid that our desires will be “too much.” But unspoken truths become invisible walls. And intimacy can’t thrive where there’s silence.
The Fix: Start small. Say, “There’s something I’d love to share with you. Can we talk for a minute?” Use “I” statements. Keep the conversation warm and curious, not critical.
And if you’re not sure what you want? That’s okay too. Invite exploration. Try: “What do you love most when we’re close? Want to experiment a little together?”
Real intimacy doesn’t require perfection. It requires presence, honesty, and a willingness to grow.
5. You’re holding trauma in your body and may not know it
We all carry trauma. Some of it is Big trauma, like abuse, assault, or medical violations. Some of it is little trauma, like body shame, rejection, emotional neglect, or simply being told (over and over again) that wanting sex makes you bad or broken.
These experiences don’t just live in your memory. They live in your nervous system. They shape how safe you feel in your body, how much pleasure you can receive, and how open you are to connection.
The Fix: Healing begins with compassion. Instead of judging yourself for being “shut down” or “low libido,” ask: What has my body been through? What parts of me are still scared or holding tension?
Gentle breathwork, somatic therapy, trauma-informed coaching, or even simply placing a hand on your heart and saying “I’m safe now” can begin to shift your nervous system from protection to openness.
You don’t have to rush or force anything. The key is creating an environment, inside and out, where your body feels safe enough to open again.
The sex life of your dreams isn’t a fantasy. It’s a birthright. But it doesn’t begin with performance or pressure. It begins with presence. With the courage to get honest about what’s blocking you, the curiosity to explore what lights you up, and the compassion to meet yourself exactly where you are.
You don’t need to be “fixed,” more spontaneous, or someone entirely different. You only need to come home to yourself; to your body, your truth, your desire. And let that be the place where intimacy begins.
The spark you’re looking for? It lives within you. And you’re more than worthy of letting it burn bright.
Dr. Laura Berman is a world-renowned sex, love, and relationship therapist, bestselling author of the book Sex Magic, and host of The Language of Love podcast. She helps people reclaim intimacy, soul-level pleasure, and connection in every area of their lives.
