Why Your 'Issues' Are Causing You To Make Bad Dating Decisions

Why Your 'Issues' Are Causing You To Make Bad Dating Decisions

Sometimes what makes a person feel attracted to another comes from a place of unresolved issues.

How can you tell if you're always falling for the wrong type of person? It's always feels right, after all. To start, ask yourself if you can relate to the following three statements.  

  • Repeatedly drawn to people who do not want to be in a relationship with you.
  • Repeatedly in relationships that are dramatic and don't end the way you'd want them to.
  • Repeatedly not developing feelings for people who treat you well.

If you are guilty of any of the above, your relationship choices are likely coming from unresolved personal issues.

In my therapy practice, I've seen too many people in pain because a person they are convinced is right for them chooses not to be in a relationship with them. Usually these people tell me, "But this person feels so right for me. I can't imagine myself with anyone else! Is it possible for something that feels so right, to be wrong?”

The answer is yes. Sometimes what makes a person feel attracted to another comes from a place of unresolved issues. And when you're operating from a place of unresolved issues, it can actually be dangerous to trust your 'instincts'. Here are a few examples of repeatedly falling for the wrong person, even though it feels right. 

  • A woman who finds herself particularly attracted to angry men out of a desire to heal him with her love, something her mother was unsuccessful at with her angry father.
  • A man who finds himself repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable women, trying to get the love from her he so desperately sought from his emotionally unavailable mother.
  • A person who feels compelled to get the approval of someone who won't give it to them out of a need to validate their worthiness because of earlier experiences that made them feel unworthy.

These are just some examples of the many ways filling a need, re-enacting an old wound, or trying to right a wrong from the past subconsciously contributes to who people seek love from, and who they're not interested in for a relationship. Sometimes the very love or treatment they crave is available to them in the form of potential partners that come into their lives, but if they don't have to struggle for it, they may not recognize it because it does not feel familiar, and they may let it pass them by.

Even in a working, committed relationship some of the attraction is coming from a place of unresolved issues. The difference is that it's happening between two available, capable partners that are just as or nearly as interested in working through it. And that work can be very fulfilling and bring the couple to an even deeper level of love when it's mutual. But without a partner that's available and interested in the work, a person can end up repeatedly hurt or disappointed. The result is chasing after a relationship that they want but are not going to get and unavailable for the love they want, in relationships they can get.

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