The One MAJOR Thing Women Misunderstand About Their Guy's Sex Drive

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The One MAJOR Thing Women Misunderstand About Their Guy's Sex Drive
Love, Sex

Hint: his lack-luster libido probably isn’t about you! What a relief, eh?

It starts out with date night — an effort to create a sensual mood that will entice him and rev up that sexual engine. Unsurprisingly, date night doesn’t do it.

So you add some sexy lingerie, try reading erotica out loud, and before you know it you’ve spiraled into a frenzy of chocolate-covered strawberries, candles, some kind of lime-flavored lube you never really wanted to try, weekend get-aways, role-play, and hot wax in all the wrong places.

Everything you’re doing in order to get him going results in nothingness, sprinkled with shame and a feeling of despair. He’s a man, and men always want sex. What’s up?

"Well," you think. "It must be me."

Here’s where you’re wrong. Men — just like people of all gender identities — have sensitive libidos that are affected by a heck of a lot of stuff. In fact, 15-25 percent of men suffer from low libido.

You see, our sex drive is a tricky, complex thing that’s affected by biological, psychological and relational factors. This means that your man’s sex drive is affected by about a hundred different things —  you being only one of them.

Stuff such as antidepressants, hormone levels, anxiety, depression, and stress can all impact men’s desire. And while constant arguing and too little intimacy in a relationship also can lead to a lackluster libido, if things are looking good at home, chances are his diminished drive doesn’t have anything to do with you.


In fact, it might even just be down to sociocultural factors.

Sociocult-what? The norms and cultural standards that govern things like how men and women are meant to act in everyday life. Basically, they’re tailor-made identities based on our genitalia.

Men have countless pressures to conform to each day, which in turn creates pressure. They should be muscular, strong, macho, unemotional, the breadwinner, and perhaps, most importantly, always up for sexy times.

This can really take a toll on men in heterosexual relationships as their desire is meant to be stronger than that of their partners, causing alarm for both genders when their sex drive is in break mode and the woman is wetter than an otter.

And according to researchers, we’ve only just started to understand the importance of societal pressures when it comes to low libido in men.

Researchers Joana Carvalho and Pedro Nobre found that cultural standards about male sexuality are one of the main culprits behind men’s sexual problems. And we’re not just talking libido conundrums.

Sociocultural factors may also lead to erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. One of the biggest reasons for this is that male sexuality is linked to performance.

They have to be the sexual aggressors — perform. They have to get a visible, hard erection — perform. They have to ejaculate within a specific amount of time— not too quickly and not too slowly — perform, yet again.

If that doesn’t convince you of the significant amount of horn-pressure for men, try adding the way men are portrayed as absolute animals in media.

Think of Joey in Friends, who’s so fired up that he frequently objectifies some of his best friends. Think of the number of blockbuster films about guys trying (and failing miserably) at losing their virginity. And do I even have to mention porn?

It’s easy to lose sight of the real reasons why your man may have temporarily lost his libido. Next time it happens, try and think of it this way instead.

Men are people, just like you and me, and if cultural ideals like "women should be slim" or "women should not sleep with too many men" get to you, it’s highly likely that norms get to him too. Put frankly — it really doesn’t have to be about you. 

Leigh Norén is a sex-positive counselor and sexologist. Contact her today for a free consultation by visiting her website.