Are You Having Great Sex Or Maintenance Sex?


Great sex is different from what might be called maintenance sex. Both are important and necessary.

For some people, just being able to have any sex at all is considered "great." For others, great sex must transport the partners to a state of blissful oneness of body, mind, and spirit. For most people, great sex is any sex that brings a deep sense of satisfaction and fulfillment to both partners. What does great sex mean to you?

Why Can't Sex Be Simple?

Why all the fussing and fretting about sex? Why can't sex be simple? Well, it could be, if the human mind didn't have the tendency to want to be in control of the human body. Most people have been taught to trust their minds and to ignore the messages from their bodies. All the major institutions of socialization—churches, schools, businesses, and even the family—teach you to control your impulses so you don't get into trouble or embarrass yourself or someone else.

As you get older, the mind begins to exert yet another type of control. You learn that it's not safe to do things that might offend or upset people. So you learn how to behave to get other peoples' approval. By the time you have your first adult sexual experience, the whole area of sexual relationships has gotten pretty complicated. You have learned numerous strategies for controlling yourself and for manipulating the opinions and feelings of others. This situation does not bode well for enjoying a lifetime of great sex.

In spite of this early conditioning, the life force remains strong. It just needs to be encouraged, and it will bounce back like those punching bag dolls with weight at their base. This article can help you get back into harmony with your own essential nature and reclaim your own life force. With a little patience and practice, your sex life can be transformed from something mundane or problematic to something wonderful and fun.

Not Just Maintenance Sex

Great sex is not just any sex at all. It is not what might be called "maintenance sex." Maintenance sex is what most people do most of the time when having sex—where partners perform sex more as a routine than as a conscious, intentional celebration of their love.

Maintenance sex is entirely acceptable, but it is not to be confused with sex that is really great. Maintenance sex generally involves some degree of compromise—a step or two down from one's ideal. Perhaps only one partner is in the mood, and the other complies. One of the partners may be trying to appease the other. Or maybe, at times, one or both partners simply want to do the minimum to maintain their sense of being sexually connected.

By contrast, great sex is usually transformative and healing for the partners. Partners feel loved and cherished, and all seems right with the world. Great sex can help us transcend our separateness from one another. We both become part of something larger—a spiritual connection that puts us in touch with the oneness of all creation. Great sex may not happen automatically, but it can be learned. To have great sex requires knowledge, skill, patience, time—and practice!

And Much, Much More

After having great sex, people often report that petty ego concerns and personality conflicts seem unimportant. Competitive ideas about feminine and masculine roles or responsibilities tend to fade. The stresses of "looking good," being in control, feeling separate or being "on guard" disappear. Great sex involves honesty, trust, letting go, merging, and just "being."

Great sex is not so much about technique as it is about presence. The most technically skilled lover is nothing without an open, trusting presence and attention to one's partner. Learning new positions, techniques, and tricks is only a vehicle for experiencing each other's presence in new ways.

Great sex is a type of intimate communication. It is one of the most important ways in which you, as a human being, share who you are with your partner. Really great sex is like melting or dissolving into the Divine, that universal state of oneness—with the lover and the universe—that gets you in touch with the sacredness of life.

Sex As a Metaphor For Life

One could say that how you "do" sex is a metaphor for how you "do" life. Your sexual relationships reflect the same habitual patterns and survival strategies, learned as a child, that you exhibit in other areas of your life—except these patterns are often even more pronounced in the sexual arena. If you want to change one or more of the habitual ways you react to things, sex is a good place to start.

If you have trouble asking for what you want, for example, sex is a good learning laboratory. It's an area of life that is so concrete. The feedback you get from your actions is clear: you either ask or you don't, and you either get what you asked for or you don't. With such clear and unequivocal feedback, learning is more likely to occur. And when you learn a basic life skill such as self-expression, this learning will easily transfer to the other areas of your life. It is the premise of my book that a life of consistently great sex is possible and that it can be fun to "train" your self to get there.

Beyond Your Wildest Dreams

Learning new sexual and sensual techniques can bring you more than simple physical pleasure. You may also find yourself feeling a sense of ongoing unity with your lover. Healing can occur not only with respect to your sexuality, but also in your faith and trust in life, your emotions, and your health. Your overall self-confidence will grow as you learn to communicate and understand one another better.

Sexual healing has vast ramifications. Whenever you experience healing of past blocks or inhibitions, you tend to become happier, more generous and more self-trusting. And you tend to pass this happiness on to those around you. When you feel loved, understood, orgasmically fulfilled, and connected, you become much more powerful as a human being. This is especially important for those women and men who were taught to suppress or deny their natural sexuality.

Open, honest intimacy is a key to great sex.

Relating, Not Controlling

Great sex cannot be controlled. You cannot manipulate yourself to want it. You cannot manipulate yourself to not want it. And you certainly cannot manipulate someone else to want it with you! If you are willing to be open about what you do want, without attempting to control the outcome, then you may just get it. If you want to have great sex, don't have sex out of obligation, and don't ever force it upon your partner.

There is a basic principle governing intimate relationships that most people are just beginning to discover: when you try to make something happen the way your mind thinks it should happen, things rarely work out exactly as planned. The issue of "getting it up" or "getting it wet" are two good examples. The more you think and plan and strategize, the less "in your body" you are. You are in your head, or your mind. And when you are in your head, you're not very sexy.

Here's another way to say this: in any given moment, you can relate to the person you are with or you can try to control that person. You can be with what is actually going on—feeling what you feel and sharing this energy with your partner. That's relating. Or you can try to make yourself or your partner feel something that you don't, or maybe hide what you are feeling in the interest of creating a particular impression or getting a particular outcome. That's controlling.

In sex, as in other forms of human communion, relating works best. Controlling usually backfires. As you read my book, you will encounter numerous examples of how this principle works. The goal here is to help you enjoy great sex by learning to let down your guard, trust yourself, and, ultimately, trust life. Then, the need to control things that are not in your control anyway will fall away.

Honesty Is A Prerequisite For Intimacy

If you want to have an intimate relationship, not a superficial one, complete honesty is necessary. If you keep secrets from your partner, you are affirming that you cannot trust that this person has your best interests at heart. If you do not trust a person in this way, ask yourself, "Why would I want to have sex with this person?" If mistrust is present, it's a good idea to be honest about this. Often, honest communication reveals your own projections, baggage, or recurrent fears held over from childhood. Expressing them honestly can allow you get over them.

Your feelings of mistrust may reveal more about you than about your partner. This is one reason why it's good to share what you feel and think—so you can discover the hidden layers of truth about yourself that may lie underneath your feelings about your partner. Sometimes fears about telling the truth are based on false beliefs learned in childhood. Now that you are an adult, it's time to update your beliefs about what is really safe and what is really dangerous.

Risk-Taking Leads To Confidence

If you fear doing something that you really want to do, it may be usually a good idea to go ahead and take the risk. You may want to pause and honestly assess the risk before doing so, but more often than not, the risk will turn out to be more about damage to your ego than to your essential being. Most interpersonal risks are not life-threatening. Remember that fear is not a sign to turn back but rather a sign that you are moving into unknown territory. If you take the risk and survive, which you probably will even if it doesn't turn out as you'd hoped, your confidence will grow.

You Are Responsible

You are responsible for your own experience. Whatever you feel or think about another person is a mirror of where you are. If someone does something that upsets you, you are responsible for your feelings of being upset. Likewise, when you feel satisfied with something your partner did, you are responsible for that too. The other person does not "make" you happy. Likewise, he or she does not "make" you upset.

Your lover or partner is not responsible for your pleasure. You are. Learning about your own body—what you like, how you respond, and how to ask for what you want—are essential skills for great sex. Blaming your lover for not giving you orgasms or not doing it "right" will get you nowhere. Empower yourself to learn the skills to ask for what you want in a straightforward, loving, and truthful way.

Presence Is The Prize

The only time a relationship really works is when both people are in the here and now. This principle shows up most dramatically in sex and lovemaking. If your mind is on something else, you cannot make authentic contact. Presence is a prerequisite for great sex. And great sex is a pathway to greater presence. Practicing the exercises and suggestions in the e-book I'm introducing here will give you the tools you need to be more present during lovemaking and in each and every moment of your life.

Pleasure Is Your Birthright

Our bodies are pleasure instruments that need to be played to stay in tune. Why would nature have given you erogenous zones, if you weren't meant to do something with them? By learning to play that instrument, with all the skill you can develop, you train your body to receive great amounts of pleasure. When you know how to receive, your view of the world changes. You begin to see the world as benevolent and trustworthy. Then you give that energy back to the people in your life.

The Adventure Before You

The e-book I'm about to introduce (below) has been designed to be both a resource guide and an inspiration to you. It covers a vast array of information on anatomy, intimacy, relationship, latest discoveries, and fun sexual and sensual techniques. Good relationships and great sex go together, so you'll find both topics covered here.

You'll see how old attitudes from your past can block pleasure and honest self-expression. You'll have the opportunity for self-assessment so you can get up-to-date with yourself instead of operating from an outdated self-image. You will be guided to understand where you are now and to develop a plan for where you want to go. You'll have better tools to decide what you want out of life.

Sex is one of life's most wonderful gifts—whether, at any given moment, it is wonderful for you or not. It can be a great teacher. Although it can be fraught with anxiety and stress, it can also be easy, fun and relaxing. If you want to discover your highest potential for great sex, trust yourself and don't be afraid to try something new. If you do, one thing is for sure—your capacity for aliveness and pleasure will grow. To order my new e-book, Revitalizing Sexual Intimacy ($15US), contact me at my email address.