Remaining in Love

Love, Self

Are delusions good for your relationship?

Remaining in Love seems pretty impossible. For some people it’s easy to cheat and for others the relationship gets dull because nothing new happens. Dr. Zeitner (2012) helps us understand the deeper mechanisms of how we remain in love so we can use that knowledge and apply it to our love lives.

“Requires the couple be able to maintain a predominance of libidinal qualities while the antilibidinal qualities features are held at safe distance through the use of splitting, denial and repression (Zeitner, R. M. 2012, pp. 83).”

What is first required of us is that we continue to invest in the positive aspects of our lovers over the negative aspects of them. We have this ability to invest in the negative parts of our spouses for some type of gain since we always do things that we gain from. A lot of the times we do this to gain moral superiority over them. They’re bad, we’re good, I do all the work, they do nothing.

We need to invest in the positive qualities they have. Is your lover devoted to you and only you? Do they listen when you need something? Do they take care of all their responsibilities consistently? Do they hold your hand? Are they exciting in bed? Do they take care of the children well?

An investment in thinking and acting upon the positive aspects of your lover will create more love and loving actions between the two of you. You guarantee having a horrible relationship if the horrible is invested in more than the good.

It’s also good to have a very distant scapegoat to put a lot of the frustrations of life on. in 2018, common scapegoats are President Trump and Hillary Clinton. Those who agree on how despicable and deplorable either of these candidates were share a strong bond. Those who disagree are in bad times. Many people have divorced or split up over this. These are also good scapegoats since they are far off people you will most likely not have consistent intimate contact with. You can’t harm them.

“This is exemplified by the partners’ capacity and willingness to overlook the inevitable irritations, blemishes, and affronts that occur in the process of relating while maintaining the erotic and loving features in the forefront of the relationship (Zeitner, R. M. 2012, pp. 84).”

While you have the scapegoat of your guys choosing (this process is usually never conscious, you two just will agree on your hate and loathing for something external) and you’re investing in seeing and promoting the positive qualities of each other, you guys will inevitably have a good sex life. The growing, investing and acting on good qualities of each other will continue to drive passion and sex. Intimacy is created.

“The stress of everyday life function as stimuli that have the potential to perturb the selfdyad and sometimes the entire family system in ways that can resurrect antilibidinal qualities that at one time were repressed and projected to the outside of the relationship (Dicks, 1993; Fairbain, 1944). To the extent that these antilibidinal features are reactivated and now found in the partner-what Fairain has called the “return of the repressed”- marital or couple discord is more likely (Zeitner, R. M. 2012, pp. 84).”

Daily stressors can take the functioning relationship and can turn the negative feelings back towards the relationship instead of keeping them outside. This is where you have to have the ability to work on your relationship. Having only delusional happy thoughts in the midst of an overwhelmingly negative relationship will just hurt you. You use the constructive qualities of the relationship to work on the destructive ones, but never to excuse abuse.

Adam Ayala is a Modern Psychoanalytical Relationship Specialist practicing in Brookline, Massachusetts and Orlando, Florida. For more of his work and to contact him visit his website AdamAyala.org.


Zeitner, R. M. (2012). Self within marriage: the foundation for lasting relationships. New York: Routledge.