150 Best Funny Quotes & Sayings About Life To Help You Stay Positive

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50 Best Funny Quotes & Sayings About Life To Help You Stay Positive
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Remaining positive when life seems to be constantly kicking you down is hard. Many of us tend to let all the negative energy consume us.

We begin to settle and think that maybe we aren’t meant to be truly happy.

It is just when we get to this moment of defeat that we must fight the hardest to pick ourselves back up. We must find a way to become motivated again, find a reason to keep pushing forward.

Short, funny quotes about life with their fun, badass, and quirky vibes have a way of reminding us that there are a ton of people all over the world who feel exactly the same way that we do. 

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We can turn to these life quotes at any time to laugh at the simple fact that we all knew life would be hard. Instead of complaining and beating ourselves up about it, we can choose to accept the challenge with a smile on our faces.

Listed below are a few of our picks of the best funny quotes and sayings that will make you laugh out loud and remind you to never give up. Good things come to those who remain positive.

Take a look at our collection of the best funny quotes about life that are bound to make you smile today:

1. "I know I'm a handful but that's why you got two hands." 

2. "I am currently under construction. Thank you for your patience." 

3. "You can't make everyone happy. You're not an avocado." 

4. "I never knew a single noise could actually drive a person insane, but then I had kids and realized all things really are possible." 

5. "Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses." 

6. "I am presently experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour."

7. "I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life."

8. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” — Benjamin Franklin

9. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” — Bill Watterson

10. "If at first you don't succeed, fix your ponytail, and try again." 

11. "Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge."

12. "I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it." 

13. "If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors." 

14. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” — Caroline Rhea

15. "If size really mattered, the elephant would be the king of the jungle." 

16. "'You attract what you fear.' Oh my God, I'm scared of $10.6 Billion."

17. "When life puts you in tough situations, don't say why me? Just say try me!"

18. "If you stumble, make it part of the dance." 

19. "Every time you are able to find humor in a difficult situation, you win." 

20. "One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're the toast." 

21. "Some days, I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to shower." 

22. "Life status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin." 

23. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” — Gertrude Stein

24. "If you fall, I'll be there." — Floor

25. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” — Jerry Seinfeld

26. "Story of my life: I knew better but I did it anyway." 

27. “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” — Mark Twain

28. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” — Jane Wagner

29. "Hold on, I've gotta overthink about it."

30. "My alone time is sometimes for your safety."

31. "Life is too short for fake butter, cheese, or people." 

32. "Life would be tragic if it weren't funny." — Stephen Hawking

33. "A clean house is a sign of a wasted life." 

34. “To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.” — George W. Bush

35. "Dear Life: will you at least start using lube?" 

36. “You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.” — Solomon Schechter

37. "Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. It's called balance." 

38. “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” — Steven Wright

39. "The best things in life will either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant." 

40. "Embrace the glorious mess that you are." — Elizabeth Gilbert

41. "And then I thought to myself, 'what's the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?'" 

42. "No matter how big a hammer you use, you can't pound common sense into stupid people." 

43. "Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how." 

44. "To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone." — Reba McEntire

45. "Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blow of life." 

46. "You can't be sad when you're holding a cupcake." 

47. "I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food."

48. "I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas."

49. "Don't be sad, because sad spelled backward is das, and das not good."

50. "Life was much easier when apple and blackberry were just fruits."

51. "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." — A.A.Milne

52. "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" — Abraham Lincoln

53. "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." — Elbert Hubbard

54. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” — Alan Dundes

55. “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” — Albert Camus

56. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” — Albert Einstein

57. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” — Andy Rooney

58. “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” — Arthur C. Clarke

59. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” — Bernard Baruch

60. "Please cancel my subscription to your issues." 

61. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” — Charles M. Schulz

62. “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” — Cynthia Heimel

63. “Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.” — Doug Larson

64. “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” — E. B. White

65. “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” — Alexander Woollcott

66. “A woman is like a teabag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

67. “I drink to make other people more interesting.” — Ernest Hemingway

68. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb

69. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.” — George Carlin

70. "Life is the art of drawing without an eraser." 

71. “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” — Harlan Ellison

72. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” — Francois de La Rochefoucauld

73. “It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.” — Dave Barry

74. “My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” — Jack Benny

75. “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.” — Ashleigh Brilliant

76.  “They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” — Clint Eastwood

77. “The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.” — Josh Billings

78. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin

79. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” — Billy Wilder

80. "When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That's how doors work." 

81. “The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.” — Terry Pratchett

82. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” — Ellen DeGeneres

83. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” — Earl Wilson

84. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” — Lawrence Ferlinghetti

85. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” — Groucho Marx

86. “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” — Rodney Dangerfield

87. “The road to success is always under construction.” — Lily Tomlin

88. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” — Dalai Lama

89. “If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.” — Chuck Palahniuk

90. “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” — Ambrose Bierce

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91. "It will never be perfect. Make it work." — Life

92. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” — George Burns

93. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

94. “I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” — Ron White

95. “Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.” — Helen Rowland

96. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller

97. “The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” — Fred Allen

98. “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.'” — Conan O’Brien

99. “Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” — Benjamin Franklin

100. "Just wing it. Life, eyeliner, everything." 

101. “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!” — Billy Connolly

102. “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” — Clarence Darrow

103. “Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.” — Bob Thaves

104. “It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.” — Navjot Singh Sidhu

105. “Life is a sexually transmitted disease.” — R. D. Laing

106. “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” — Oscar Wilde

107. “Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” — Rita Mae Brown

108. “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.” — Robert Fulghum

109. “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” — Ann Landers

110. "My life feels like a test I didn't study for." 

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111. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” — Milton Berle

112.  “I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.” — Si Robertson

113. “Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” — Salvador Dali

114. “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” — Douglas Adams

115. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” — Oscar Wilde

116. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” — George Carlin

117. “When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” — Rita Rudner

118. “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” — Dylan Thomas

119. “We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.” — George Bernard Shaw

120. "I won't quit but I will cuss the whole time." 

121. “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

122. "Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us." — Stephen Colbert

123. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” — Emo Philips

124. “When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'” — Sydney J. Harris

125. “Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'” — Conan O’Brien

126. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright

127. “As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” — Buddy Hackett

128. “Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.” — Steve Irwin

129. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.” — Jay Leno

130. "Be happy, it drives people crazy." 

131. “When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” — Norm Crosby

132. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” — Thomas A. Edison

133. “I hate women because they always know where things are.” — Voltaire

134. “A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” — Walter Bagehot

135. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” — George Carlin

136. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” — Walter Matthau

137. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

138. "The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces." — Will Rogers

139. “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” — Rodney Dangerfield

140. "Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice."

141. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Matt Groening

142. “The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” — Paul Fix

143. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” — Will Rogers

144. “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” — David Letterman

145. “I don’t think I’ve seen anyone laughing on the way to a bank.” — Ric Ducommon

146. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno

147. "A diamond is simply a lump of coal that did well under pressure."

148. “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” — Erma Bombeck

149. " I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide."

150. "Live your life. Take chances. Be crazy. Don't wait. Because right now is the oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll be ever again." 

151. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — Mark Twain

152. “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.” — Winston Churchill

153. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” — Zig Ziglar

154. "Hope for the best, expect the worst. Life is a play, we're unrehearsed."

155. “I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.” — John Fugelsang

156. “Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” — Woody Allen

157. “The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.” — Nicolas Chamfort

158. "It may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head, I'm quite busy."

159. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” — Thomas A. Edison

160. “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” — Mike Myers

161. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” — Winston Churchill

162. "Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life."

163. "If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur." — Doug Larson

164. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” — Woody Allen

165. "I am not special, I'm just a limited edition."

166. “I am only human, although I regret it.” — Mark Twain

167. "With great power comes great electricity bill."

169. “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” — Johnny Carson

170. "Life is a one-time offer, use it well."

171. "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." — Dolly Parton

172. "So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff."

173. “Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.” — Margaret Culkin Banning

174. "The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so." — Gore Vidal

175. "Life is like an onion; you peel off a layer at a time and sometimes you weep." — Carl Sandburg

176. "The most wasted of all days is one without laughter." — E. E. Cummings

177. "Hey, are you a software update? Because not now."

178. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” — Winston Churchill

179. "Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk." 

180. “That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.” — Lauren Miller

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Alexis George is a writer who covers astrology, pop culture, quotes, and relationship topics.