100 Funny Love Quotes From Comedians That Describe Your Crazy Relationship

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We've all heard that love is patient and love is kind, but have you ever thought about how hilariously funny love can be as well?

As these funny love quotes from comedians prove, love can bring a chuckle, giggle, or a side-splitting laugh out of just about anyone you'll meet.

Thank heavens for comedians and their interesting outlooks on everything that goes on in our world! Being able to evaluate hard situations and find a sort of silver lining somewhere within it all is truly a gift. And it's something we can all learn from because it's important to remember not to take everything too seriously.

There's a funny thing about love and relationships... and it's called everything. Thankfully, some of our favorite comedians can relate, and we found the best funny love quotes they've spoken or written to prove it.

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Not only are these quotes about love hilarious, but they're also 100% spot-on, and from some of the world's most famous, influential people to date.

Here are the 100 best funny love quotes from comedians that perfectly nail the hilarious side of relationships.

1. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell

2. "I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand

3. "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner

4. "If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back." — Chelsea Peretti

5. "Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing." — Natasha Leggero

6. "Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." — Bill Maher

7. "You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah

8. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone

9. "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner

10. "When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee

11. "Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality." — Miranda on "Sex and the City"

12. "As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy." — Ralphie May

13. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" — Jean Illsley Clarke

14. "Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland

15. "I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels

16. "A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." — Tim Allen

17. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." — Garry Shandling

​18. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." — Richard Jeni​​

19. "The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge

20. "When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life." — Richard Lewis

21. "Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you." — Megan Mullally

22. "You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." — Henry Youngman

23. "There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower

24. "If you love them in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love them at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love." — Miles Davis

25. "Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." — Fran Lebowitz

26. "Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe

27. "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" — Lily Tomlin

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28. "Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld

29. "Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache." — Mae West

30. "Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin

31. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers

32. "My husband forgot my birthday and my anniversary. I didn't feel bad. On the contrary. Give me a guilty husband any day. Some of my best outfits come from his guilt." — Betty Walker

33. "Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein

34. "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." — Henry Youngman

35. "I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always." — David Young

36. "Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you." — Helen Rowland

37. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." — Shirley MacLaine

38. "By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." — Socrates

39. "My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips

40. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." — Chelsea Handler

41. "Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there." — George Burns

42. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." — Groucho Marx

43. "The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing." — Blaise Pascal

44. "If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King

45. "My wife and I were happy for 20 years — then we met."

46. "You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark

47. "Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket

48. "What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds." — Cindy Garner

49. "You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." — Roseanne Barr

50. “I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho

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51. "If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz

52. "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." — Richard Pryor

53. "I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell

54. "The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl

55. "I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin

56. "Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard

57. "The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle

58. "I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer

59. "I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times." — Elizabeth Taylor

60. "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." — Chris Rock

61. "My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield

62. "I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney

63. "Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest." — Professor Irwin Corey

64. "My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning." — Ray Romano

65. "Love is a two-way street constantly under construction." — Carroll Bryant

66. "Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell." — Joan Crawford

67. "True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal

68. "What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday." — Cindy Garner

69. "People should fall in love with their eyes closed." — Andy Warhol

70. "True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld

71. "My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor." — Elayne Boosler

72. "A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished." — Zsa Zsa Gabor

73. "Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy

74. "An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." — Agatha Christie

75. "Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener." — Pauline Thomason

76. "It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." — Lucille Ball

77. "Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements." — Kathy Mohnke

78. "All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt." — Charles M. Schulz

79. "Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses." — Thomas Dewar

80. “I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling

81.​ "Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris​

82. "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met." — Steven Wright

83. "Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly

84. "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein

85. "Love is the same as like except you feel sexier." — Judith Viorst

86. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers

87. "Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else." — Jean Kerr

88. "I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx

89. "A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher

90. “A kiss may not be the truth but it is what we wish were true.” — Steve Martin as Harris Telemacher in "L.A. Story"

91. "Women love a self-confident bald man." — Larry David

92. "If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski

93. "Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." — Phyllis Diller

94. "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." — Jackie Mason

95. "Love is sharing your popcorn." — Charles Schultz

96. "Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings." — David Sedaris

97. "Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery." — Erma Bombeck

98. "My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner

99. “It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings

100. "Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey

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