40 Funny Quotes & One-Liners To Use When You Need The Perfect Comeback

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40 Funny Quotes & One-Liners To Use When You Need The Perfect Comeback

We've all been there: knowing the best comebacks to say after the argument is over. And if you're reading these funny quotes and hilarious insults, I'm sure you have too.

You keep thinking to yourself, "Why didn't I say that!?" It's totally frustrating after an argument to have a great thing to say at the completely wrong time!

If you're a Seinfeld fan, you'll remember George Costanza being insulted by his co-worker while George is eating shrimp during a work meeting. The co-worker says, "George, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp."

George is completely dumbstruck in the moment, and it's only later on that he finally figures out his perfect comeback: "Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called. They're running out of you." Only problem is, the moment's already over!

RELATED: These 6 Personality Types Always Need To Have The Last Word — And Win Every Argument

If you know anything about this character, you'll know that George is so adamant to use his comeback on that co-worker that he actually flies to Ohio from New York just to try and set up the scenario again!

But you shouldn't have to book any flights to Akron, Ohio just to zing someone; it's all about giving you an arsenal of epic one-liners and comebacks to use exactly when the occasion calls. 

The good news is that the list below has a comeback for practically every situation you could possibly run into — from the jerk boyfriend and the fake friend to the helicopter parent and the nosy neighbor. If you're feeling extra ambitious and slightly willing to risk your job, there's even have zingers for the notorious cranky customer.

Proceed with caution and be sure to carry a mic with you when using these, because you'll definitely need to drop it after.

Here's a list of 40 hilarious, epic comebacks to use next time you need to get in the last word and make it count. 

1. Do you understand?

"Of course I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?"

2. I can do this all day.

"There's no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time."

3. It's a long way down.

"If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ level."

4. That's right, Karen. 

"Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything."

5. The grammar errors make it ironic though. 

"If you're gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you're just an ass."

6. Mic drop!

"I'm sure that 90 percent your 'beauty' could be removed with a Kleenex."

7. Just like that Justin Timberlake song...

"If you have a problem with me than cry me a river and drown yourself in it."

8. Just for you.

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got five fingers, the middle one is for you."

9. Make sure to use extra sarcasm.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes."

10. For the Regina George in your life.  

"B****, please move away from the sunlight. I hate the smell of burning plastic."

11. They didn't even include Pluto. Shade!

"1 universe, 8 planets, 7 seas, 7 continents, 809 islands, 196 countries, and I had the unfortunate luck of meeting you."

12. Whoops?

"Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory."

13. Now that's a zinger!

"I'd love to insult you but I'm afraid I won't do as well as nature did." 

14. Fierce comeback...

"B**** please! You are so fake, even China denied they made you."

15. To each his own. 

"When somebody says that you are wrong say, 'You're entitled to your incorrect opinion.'"

16. OK, maybe a little harsh. But here's hoping.

"Why don't you just slip into something more comfortable like a coma."

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17. Oh yeah?!

"If someone call you boring say, 'Yeah, and what makes you so exciting?'"

18. Know the difference.

"No I'm not insulting you  I'm describing you."

19. Woah! Savage.

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so."

20. When you want to call someone out. 

"Is your ass jealous of al that s*** coming out of your mouth?"

21. That's no way to go through life.

"I'd agree with you but then we'd both be wrong."

22. Yikes!

"If you ran like your mouth you'd be in good shape."

23. Ouch. Burn!

"I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing as how you've never used it." 

24. Now that's a comeback!

"When guys say 'suck it,' I always reply with, 'Sorry, small objects are a choking hazard.'"

25. Some shade to throw during a breakup. 

"They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured." 

26. Lucky.

"Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, they don't laugh."

27. Don't try too hard.

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"I'm trying my absolute hardest to see things from your perspective, but I just can't get my head that far up my ass."

28. For real.

"Listen, moron. If you're going to try and insult me, at least be grammatically correct. I'm too busy mentally correcting your errors to be offended."

29. Don't mess with me.

"What to say to a fake friend: 'I hope that bus you threw me under swerves and hits you on the sidewalk.'"

30. All set?

"I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one."

31. It's the least you can do.

"If you're going to be two-faced, at least make sure one of them is pretty."

RELATED: 50 Funny, Positive Quotes To Help You Keep Your Chin Up​

32. Can't have any more of that.

"When someone calls you stupid, say, 'Yeah, you're rubbing off on me.'"

33. I'm warning everyone about you.

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll have to be a terrible warning." — Catherine the Great

34. Like Tom Hanks in Castaway...

"Yes, I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in."

35. You can borrow my computer.

"Why don't you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale?"

36. You ready?

"The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready." 

37. Short people rock, okay?

"When people call you short tell them, 'Dynamite comes in small packages.'"

38. Funny how that works out.

"There are two sides to every story, but you're a douche in both of them."

39. So true.

'I've found puddles deeper than you."

40. When you need a comeback, but still want to keep it classy...

"Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should be thee." —William Shakespeare, "All's Well That Ends Well"

RELATED: Sorry Not Sorry! 12 Best Comebacks For Your Awful Ex

Jill Zwarensteyn is a writer and Michigan native who covers trending topics, pop culture and astrology.