This Critical Mistake Kills Your Chances Of Finding True Love On Dating Apps

Photo: Unsplash: Ross Sokolovski
How To Fall In Love On Datings Apps Like Tinder & Bumble: Delete Them

This may be easier said than done, but it's the truth.

Men and women wondering how to find their soulmate these days are typically told to hop on dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, which is what everyone looking for relationships and hoping to fall in love seems expected to do.

I know this, because I happen to talk a lot about dating apps myself.

No, I don't mean that like to stand somewhere by myself while shrieking the word "TINDER!" into the wind for no reason. Rather, I am referring to the talking I do on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I host an advice show called "Becca After Dark" on YourTango's Facebook page. I've been doing it and loving (almost) every minute of it for well over a year now, and over time I've noticed certain questions come up time and time again. One such topics I'm asked about regularly is how to stay sane when you're looking for love online or via dating apps.

Of course, that's not how these conversations usually start. They typically begin in much the same way you talk about dating with your closest friends.

It's exhausting. It's draining. Men are creeps. Women are creeps, too. There's no one good out there. Nobody seems interested in anything other than something casual. I'm sick to death of "hook-up culture." You know, all of that noise.

To which I always say the same thing: don't despair and don't give up. Instead, make sure to take a break from the dating apps from time to time in order to recoup and start anew.


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It is, in fact, something I say so often that one woman finally broke down and asked me to explain myself.

"When you say 'take a break'," she asked, "what exactly do you mean?"

I was thrilled somebody finally asked because it's something I believe every person out there dating should do, so I shared my thoughts on the subject with her, and now I'd like to share those thoughts with you.

When I say take a break from online dating, I'm talking about something very specific: battling dating fatigue.

As Julie Beck stated in an article for the Atlantic back in 2016, "The easiest way to meet people turns out to be a really labor-intensive and uncertain way of getting relationships. While the possibilities seem exciting at first, the effort, attention, patience, and resilience it requires can leave people frustrated and exhausted ... Dating hasn’t become an apocalypse, it’s just become another way modern life can make people feel overworked."

If you find yourself thinking something along the lines of "there's no one out there" or "men/women are all the same," congratulations, you've already been hit with a case of dating fatigue.

But the truth is that the world is a huge, sprawling place filled with countless people out there looking for a partner (or partners) in whatever way feels right or meaningful to them, which is good news, because there is almost undoubtedly someone out there who can fulfill your needs and who truly wants to, you just need to catch your breath and take some time away from the dating game in order to take care of you. 


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Isn't it funny how the features that make dating apps so great are the very same ones that can ultimately leave a person feeling drained and hopeless?

Recognizing the sheer volume of human beings as options that are available out there can go from exciting to depressing in the matter of a few bad dates added to the bon fire built on the torched messages of ridiculous men asking if it did, indeed, hurt when you fell from heaven.

In order to separate the wheat from the chaff and find what you're looking for, you've got to be at the top of your game.

So when you feel a bout of dating fatigue coming on, go ahead and take a break to focus on the many things in your life that have nothing to do with romance or love and everything to do with feeling happy, rested, successful, and both spiritually and emotionally nurtured.

Taking a break doesn't mean deleting your dating apps and going about your business resigned to life spent forever alone with many cats. It means stepping away from the dating overwhelm for a period of time to concentrate on the other areas of your life. This grown-up version of a "time out" is an opportunity to get back in touch with the best possible version of yourself. It's something that won't just make you feel better, but that will help you get back in touch with what you really want so that when you reactivate your apps, you'll be able to focus on exactly that without wasting so much negative energy on people who will never be right for you.

Yes, I do understand that while I'm making this sound simple it can be difficult to actually do.

You may feel lonely during your break. That's OK. All feelings are temporary.

You may also feel worried that you're letting too much time pass you by, but I'm here to tell you that isn't the case.

After all, love isn't about completing you or finding your missing puzzle piece. It's about finding someone who complements your life, and before you can find that, you need to have a solid sense of who you really are and what kind of life it is that you really want to have.

You are absolutely allowed to be as negative about dating as you want to be. I get it. Sometimes dating just sucks!

But I'm also here to tell you something you probably already know somewhere inside: attitude is everything, and if you don't take breaks when you need them in order to revitalize yourself, it's only going to get more difficult to summon the positivity energy required to bring those good things you want most into your life.


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Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the love and dating advice show, Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.