3 Ways You’re Thinking About Married Sex All Wrong (& How Changing Your Mindset Can Help)


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Many people think married sex is boring. It’s such a common joke that there must be some truth to it… right?


Married sex doesn’t have to be dull or feel uninspired. In fact, married sex with your long-term partner has the potential be the best sex of your life — as long as you’re not falling prey to one of these common myths about married sex.

“People get told all sorts of nonsense about sex,” says Dr. Stephen Snyder, sex therapist, psychiatrist and author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship, in the YourTango Expert video above. 

RELATED: 4 Helpful Tips To A Great Sex Life With Your Partner

One of the most common myths about married sex?

“Good sex in a marriage takes work. I hear this all the time — that you should work on your sexual relationship,” he says. But according to Dr. Snyder, sex should never feel like work! After all, sex is all about passion and in-the-moment desire, so if you’re “working” at having better sex with your spouse — you’re going about improving your sex life in all the wrong ways. 

So if you and your spouse feel stuck in a rut sexually, start having better sex by first throwing all the things you thought you knew about sex out the window. And instead of working towards a better sex life, focus on having a good time with your spouse during sex. 

After all, sex is an experience to be enjoyed — for both you and your spouse — not worked on.

Surprisingly though, the pursuit of pleasure isn’t the real reason we, as humans, desire sex. 

Why is that? Well, we crave good sex because sex is a narcissistically gratifying experience, Dr. Snyder explains. “It makes you feel valuable and important.” 

Oddly enough, this narcissistic desire stems from our experiences as a baby, where adults “ooh-ed and ahh-ed” over us. In a similar sort of way, as adults, having great sex is about feeling self-important — more so than about finding physical pleasure or intimacy.

Lastly, that explains why the aim of “giving your partner a lot of pleasure” isn’t a worthy sexual goal that leads to better sex.

In fact, it does quite the opposite. “This leads to a lot of boring sex,” declares Dr. Synder — something none of us want in our marriage or long-term relationships.

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So what should you do instead to have ridiculously great sex?

Well, when you touch your partner’s body, don’t think about pleasing your wife or husband. It may sound counterintuitive, but doing so shouldn’t be your main focus. 

And before you ask: No, this doesn’t make you a bad lover. “Passion is selfish,” Dr. Snyder explains. “Deep down that’s what we all really want — we want to be consumed; we want to be enjoyed.”

Even if it sounds selfish on the surface, the truth is: By consuming and enjoying your lover as Dr. Synder suggests, you’re giving your partner exactly what they crave — your uncontrollable desire.

So if you’re one of those people who think married sex is boring, think again. Stop working on improving your sex life. Instead, start having more passionate, desire-fueled sex with your spouse today by following sex therapist Dr. Stephen Snyder’s advice in the YourTango Expert video above and letting go of these three myths about married sex, once and for all.

Be selfish in your love and sex life, so that you — and your partner — can reap the benefits of gratifying, passionate and fulfilling married sex for years to come.

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Stephen Snyder, M.D. is a sex therapist, psychiatrist and author of the book, Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship, who helps committed, long-term couples regain passion, sexual intimacy and closeness in their relationships. Connect with Dr. Snyder at SexualityResource.com for more information and to get started on your journey of sexual fulfillment today.

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