How To Bring Intimacy Back To Your Marriage (& Have Better Sex, Too!)


Just exactly how much sex should you be having?

Sex and intimacy are key players in any relationship, and when one or both of you feels that something is off — mainly that it seems to be a long time in between periods of sexual intimacy — it can feel like something is wrong in your relationship.

But is it really wrong? Or do you just think it is?

RELATED: 5 Ways to Feed (And FIX) Your Sex-Starved Marriage

As sex therapist Mary Kay Cocharo states in the video above, there can be different sides to the perceptions of what counts as a lot of sex and what is "too little" sex between you and your partner.

For example, she reminds us of the infamous split-screen moment in Annie Hall, where Diane Keaton is on one side of the screen talking to her therapist while Woody Allen is on the other side talking to his. When the therapists bring up the question, “How often are you making love?” they each have two very different responses.

Diane Keaton replies, “Constantly! Maybe three times a week!” Whereas Woody Allen mopes as he answers, “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.”

Depending on your own personal needs and how they differ with your partner’s, it's easy to find yourself stuck in a situation like this and one person may not even realize there's a problem!

So just exactly is a “healthy” amount of sex, and are you and your partner meeting that goal?

According to Cocharo, research has shown that happy couples only have sex once per week.

Yes, that’s really all! And couples who have sex more than that are no happier or more stable in their relationship than those who only make love that often.

So if you’re worried that you’re not having a “healthy” amount of sex, you really shouldn’t. It’s probably really normal!

However, it still may concern you that you and your partner aren’t being as intimate as you’d like.

If you’re having trouble getting that time in together, whether it’s due to inconsistent schedules, being tired after work, or even just the kids’ activities taking up your time and energy, then it might be important for you and your significant other to actually set up some time to get together and shut out everything else except the focus you’re giving to each other. But how can you do that?

Here are 4 super easy ways to improve your intimacy with your spouse:

1. Set the time aside for being together.

It’s important to make time for one another, perhaps scheduling date nights, going to dinner, or taking walks together.

Leave your cell phones at home or turn them off. Make sure that this is a protected time that you two have together, and don’t let other things take it away. You love your spouse; use this time to let them know how much.

2. Don't complain or air grievances.

Your time together is special; it isn’t when you should bring up your frustrations or issues with your spouse or the kids, or even problems at work; this is a time when you are both focusing on one another and leaving outside distractions where they belong — outside.

And as Cocharo says in the video above, if you must talk about something else of importance, you should do this at the beginning of your time and limit the duration to something like ten minutes so that you’re not losing track of what you’re really there to do, which is love and dote on each other and reconnect.

3. Don’t be afraid of a little novelty now and again!

There’s a reason for the saying, “Variety is the spice of life!”

Research has shown that novelty can actually increase erotic interest and excitement between two people, so don’t be afraid to try something new or unique. In fact, Mary Kay suggests going to a hotel where everything feels new and different and there isn’t a pile of dishes calling to you from the sink in the kitchen.

And feel free to explore a bit with toys, fantasies, kinks, new sex positions, and bedroom play! You'll never know what you and your partner might get turned on by if you're not experimenting.

4. Talk about your sexual needs and expectations with your partner.

If you and your partner are on different wavelengths when it comes to how often you should be making love or being intimate in your marriage, then it’s important that you discuss these differences with them. This way, you can guarantee that one or both of you can try and make comprises to make sure that the other is getting what they need, and no one will feel ignored or unloved.

And don’t be afraid to schedule one of these date nights on the calendar if you need to!

RELATED: 3 Crucial Ways To Overcome Sex Addiction

Mary Kay Cocharo is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in West Los Angeles, California. For more help or support, don't be afraid to reach out. She's here to help!