How The Happiest (And Sexiest) Married Couples Keep Their Sex Lives Hot


It's actually pretty simple!

Sex is an important and healthy part of any committed, intimate relationship.

But many people end up not having the sex that they desire, or even enjoying the sex they do have with their partner. It can be easy to wonder if there’s something wrong with you, your partner, or maybe even your relationship.

When things fall flat or become complacent in your sex life, it can be easy to simply assume that they will stay that way. But according to sex therapist Wendy Conquest, in the YourTango Experts video above, there’s one thing that you really need to know in order to have better sex, and finally get the sex life that you deserve.

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And since this particular subject gets a lot of attention —  for good reason —  many therapists and researchers have differing beliefs on what it takes to achieve the fulfilling sex life of your dreams.

Esther Perel, so famous for her TED talks on infidelity and desire, for instance, believes that in order to have a fully satisfying sex life with your partner, you need both connection and novelty, but others like Dr. Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight believe differently. According to her, your sex life depends on a deep romantic connection formed from an attachment bond with your partner, the goal of which is trust.

And while these are important parts of a relationship, Wendy Conquest seems to believe that there is a different route to achieve an amazing sexual relationship, and these are only the start. According to her, the best insight that she has gleaned in her own experience is something closer to what Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage teaches: That marriage takes stability, but people yearn for the fiery uncertainty of romance to continue through the life of the relationship.

This, it seems, can create somewhat of a disconnect.

So how can you possibly have a stable relationship but continue fighting for the unstable high of a romantic encounter and keep things fresh, time after time?

Well, the answer might be a bit simpler than you think. And all it requires is that you pay attention. Yes, the key to spicing up your sex life is starts with your mind, not your body.

Wendy asks her clients this question:

Can you find one thing new that is positive, new, engaging, or attractive about your partner and tell them this thing every day?

But what exactly does this question really accomplish?

Well, for starters, it shows that you’re paying attention to your partner and that you’re actively attracted to them, which is a huge part of any relationship. But It also forces your mind to look at your partner in a new light every day, which allows you to think of them in a new way and gives your brain something that it craves: novelty.

The truth is that we love our partners, but complacency can be easy to slip into, especially when we’re bogged down with work, errands, kids, or just life in general.

Find something about your partner that intrigues you — whether it’s mental, physical, or even just the way they smile or crinkle their nose — and bring that to their attention. Watch their faces light up as they realize how much you’re still in love with them and that you love those little things about them. It may not seem sexy at first, but this scan seriously spice up your sex life. 

So if you want to have better sex in your marriage or long-term relationship, the first step is the most important. Pay attention and give your brain (and your partner's!) the variety and novelty that it craves in a safe, rewarding way. Everything just might change ... for both of you. 

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Looking for more support? Reach out to Wendy or look for her book, Letters To A Sex Addict: The Journey Through Grief And Betrayal.

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