7 Tips For Sizzzzzzling Hot Sex (From A Smut Writer Who KNOWS)

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how to have good sex

A sex writer tells you the secret to having the best sex of your life.

I’m an erotica writer. I’ve been writing about sex for over fifteen years and my stories have been in dozens of books. I get a lot of comments from friends and acquaintances about the type of stories I write. The number one thing I hear most often is: “Do you do everything you write about?” Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

The answer, of course, is no — because erotica is fantasy and sometimes the fantasy is, well... best left to the imagination. So I’m probably never going to have sex in a limo with four guys, for instance, or with a rock star after a concert. (I’m not even sure I would want to.) But that doesn’t mean sexual fantasies can’t or shouldn’t be incorporated into your sex life.

Writing erotica has taught me a lot about sex, mostly because writing about it has meant researching it, talking about it and thinking about it a lot. The first few times people asked me for sex tips, I laughed and said, “Read my stories.” Then it kind of hit me that while I’m not a sex therapist, I’m certainly more knowledgeable about sex than a lot of people I know.

So I started thinking about what advice I should give, from the point of view of someone who has written about nearly every kind of sex one, two, or more people can have. Here’s what I tell people about how to have good sex.

1. Read erotica.

Of course I’m going to say that, right? But there’s a reason for it. Erotica can open doors to fantasies you didn’t even know you had. It can also lower your inhibitions. If you’re uncomfortable talking about sex, reading about it can be the first step to normalizing the language around sex.

If you don’t know where to start, try the Best Women’s Erotica series, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, or my own relationship guide, Bedded Bliss: A Couple’s Guide to Lust Ever After, that combines advice from couples with erotic fiction.

RELATED: 10 Hot Sex Stories By Real People Confessing SUPER Naughty Secrets

2. Share your favorite story with your partner.

If you’re not ready to share all the deep dark fantasies in your imagination, sharing a story that includes your fantasy or kink can be a thrill in itself. It takes the pressure off of you to try to verbalize what it is you want to do.

“I really like this story. Read it,” is all you have to say. I have lost track of the number of readers who have told me they used this very technique to open a discussion about sex with their partner about how to have good sex.

3. Ask your partner to share their favorite fantasy.

You’ve taken the first step, now get him to share too. Talking about sex is almost as good as having it — it’s verbal foreplay.

4. Roleplay your fantasy.

I know it can be hard to let yourself slip into a fantasy. It’s normal to feel vulnerable, insecure, or embarrassed. Role-playing lets you play act a character. You aren’t you; you are the person in your fantasy.

Have you ever pretended to be someone else while traveling or at a club? It’s very freeing to let go of one identity and to slip into another one, even more so when it involves your fantasy.

5. Don’t be so serious.

It’s OK to laugh at yourself and say, “This is weird,” when you’re feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Those awkward, uncomfortable moments bring us closer to our partners. They give us stories to tell later in our relationship. And sometimes the laughter turns to moans and those stories are really interesting.

6. Say yes.

It’s easy to get into a comfort zone with sex — you might even call it a rut. The easiest way to break out of it is to say yes.

Read an article about a new sex position? Say yes to trying it. Your partner has had this long-standing fantasy of having sex outside, but you’re not the risk-taking type? Just this once, say yes. Say yes to one thing — just one — that you would normally say no to. You’ll be surprised how it can jump start things.

RELATED: 7 HOT Stories For Women Who Fantasize About Pegging Their Man

You might have figured out by now that my sex tips all revolve around communication. Reading, sharing, talking, play acting — it’s all about removing the obstacles that hold you back from experiencing better sex.

You can’t always live out your sexual fantasies, but sharing them with a partner you trust is the next best thing. Being emotionally and sexually vulnerable is one of the biggest turn-ons in the world. Try it!

7. Stay in the moment. 

So you acted out a wicked fantasy and had mind-blowing sex. Now what? Don't let that feeling slip away in the light of day. Leave him a voicemail or send him a text to let him know what it meant to be able to share the experience with him. "You made my fantasy come true," will be enough to guarantee it happens again.


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Kristina Wright is an erotica author and the editor of over a dozen erotica anthologies for Cleis Press, including the Best Erotic Romance series. She’s the author of the short erotic story collection Seduce Me Tonight (HarperCollins) and writes about books and entertainment for BookBub.com. Follow her on Twitter and Facebook.​

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