Why Do Guys Sleep With You Knowing YOU Want A Relationship — But They Don't

Photo: unsplash
why do guys sleep with you


Sex and love.

As human beings, we spend a fair amount of our time thinking about one or both of these subjects. 

For me it's wake up, think about sex, brush my teeth, think about love, forget I brushed me teeth and drink orange juice, think about sex, curse toothpaste for ruining orange juice, think about love one more time. 

While men and women think about sex and love differently (and in different amounts), they are topics that are always on our brains to one degree or another. 

That's what makes it so darn frustrating (and potentially blue ball-inducing) when we clash when it comes to getting our swerve on, sexually speaking. 

RELATED: Brutal! VERY Honest Men Share Their Top 10 Gripes About Women

For many women (but certainly not all of us), sex is something you do when you're in a romantic relationship or you want to form a long-term relationship. 

For many men (but certainly not all), sex doesn't have to be connected to forming a long-term relationship at all.

So what happens when a woman who wants a relationship meets a man who doesn't, but they both want to have sex?

In my own experience, some men have been less than upfront about what they are looking for when it comes to casual sex. They would much rather say what I needed to hear and get their penis wet then they would be direct and honest about wanting to freak.

This isn't universal. This is the behavior of shitty guys (almost exclusively the type of dude I am known for dating).

But it's a common enough clash that I wanted to talk to some straight men I know and find out what their take on the whole deal was and why guys have sex with you when want different things.

So I asked them, and they opened up. 

And ladies, if they can do it here, dammit, they can do it with you prior to getting into your drawers. 

GUYS, what do you think about having sex with a woman who wants a relationship when you know that you don't want a relationship?

  • "I think it's inappropriate to have sex with someone you don't want to have a relationship with if you know they want a relationship. This assumes you're communicating your desire not to have a relationship, and she's told you she wants to have one with you (not "I think she wants a relationship so I'm out"). But also, I should say, I have no idea what it means to [have sex with] someone and have that not be a relationship. You're establishing some kind of relationship, and you're on the hook for performing basic human decency in all relationships, even the 20-minute one you have with a waiter. If you're having sex with someone, that responsibility goes up, even if it's just for a night."
  • "I'd say it depends on the exact dynamic and context. That is, I see a lot of ways to interpret this and a lot of assumptions that could be made. In general, as long as both people are open and okay with the situation it doesn't have to be a bad thing. As for me, I've had a casual relationships (that included sex) with women who wanted a relationship, but they also knew I wasn't looking for one. In other words, they were fine having something with casual with me until they met someone that was more interested in something serious. Then when they meet someone they want to try have more of a relationship with we stop sleeping together. Often we stay in touch as friends."
  • "It's not cool to [have sex with] someone who thinks that the sex is leading to a partnership when you know it's not. However! I also think it's permissible to not be sure and to continue with the banging until you are, but no one should ever turn a person into a sex toy. The only identifiable experience I have with this topic is the reverse. The first person I ever got to banging with was basically using me as a dildo attached to a warm body. We "dated" for months and I thought I was in Love. Long phone chats, mix tapes, valentines, love poems, the fucking works. She cheated on me many times. It did not feel good."
  • "I wouldn't do that because it would hurt her and that's how people get all messed up in this world."
  • "I find that sometimes the idea of "honesty" is an excuse. I think the situation of "we're looking for different things, but let's hang out and have fun 'til you find someone you want a relationship with, and then we'll go our separate ways" can happen; and it can be great and healthy when it does. But I find that often I hear from guys, "Well, she wants to be in a relationship with me, but I've told her I'm not interested in a relationship; and she said that was okay and we could just have sex, so if she's having problems with it, that's on her. I've been totally honest." And I always just want to respond, "Come ON, dude. You know that's not okay. She's taking what she can get for now, and hoping you'll change your mind. And it's hurting her — even I can see that from just hanging out with y'all at the bar. To be clear: this is not to paint straight men as particularly selfish, or women as particularly needy. I've heard this in queer relationships as well."
  • "Tell her. It's that easy. Just be respectful."

    RELATED: 10 Lies Your Guy Is Telling You — And What He's Hiding
  • "Believe me or not I'm not interested in sex at all. Period. I had friends I hung out with and they started going in that direction and I had to stop them. I always enjoyed being alone and sex is not an issue for me."
  • "Once you let 'em know what it is stick to your guns. Sex makes everything different. You will stay friends longer if you're honest."
If you're wondering if the guy your seeing is really just in for the sex, watch this:
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York, with her cat, Batman. She hosts the sex, love, and dating advice show Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday. For more of her work, click here