5 Things Every Man WISHES His Penis Could Do

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If only ...

There is a fact universally known about men with penises: They love them.

If you are a man, and you have a penis, then you love that penis. 

You protect it, cupping it often in your hands during idle moments, adjust the positioning of your penis in your jeans almost constantly, using your penis as a litmus test by which all other men in the world are found to be inferior or superior to you.

If you are a man with a penis, then the chances are high that you spend at least a third of your day thinking about your penis and what it wants. Usually, this is just sex. Your penis, while important, is a simple creature with basic needs. All it dreams of? A warm wet hole to make its very own.

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But I think you'll find if you question most men, they all have a penis that harbors a superiority complex. They know that their penis doesn't have magical powers ... but what if it did? (Let us all pause here to imagine a penis wearing a superhero cape...


... okay let's move on). 

There is all the stuff a penis can do (pee, become erect, ejaculate) and there is all the stuff men WISH their penises could do. I think you'll find the lack of overlap in these categories is pretty darn hilarious. 

So break out those penis capes!

Because here are five of the most common things men wish their penises could do. 

1. Heal the sick 

If every man in possession of a penis had his way, his penis would be able to heal the sick.

Cure to the common cold? It's in his penis. Solution to the AIDS epidemic? His penis. Just feeling like, a little bit hung over? A just a dab (of penis) will do ya! 

Not only would healing the sick make every man feel great, but healing the sick by having them become humbled by his penis is certainly one hell of a way to bolster an ego. 

(Note: There are actual health benefits to semen. So that's sort of the same thing.)

2. Make women orgasm 

Some women can orgasm from vaginal penetration, which can make some men using their penises to penetrate said vagina feel pretty darn good about themselves.

In reality, a penis has nothing to do with a woman's orgasm. The placement of her clitoris in relation to her vaginal opening is responsible for any orgasm that might happen during penis in vagina sex.

If every man had his way, his penis would hold the key to all orgasms. Women would pass them on the street and swoon just by coming into such close contact with such a vibrant and orgasm-giving member. 

3. Form world peace

Just picture it: a summit in the middle east to broker a peace deal. Donald Trump walks into the room. Everyone is waiting and watching with bated breath to see what he can do. With no further fanfare, the Donald drops trow, displays his micropenis, and for the first time in thousands of years, peace rings throughout the land. 

Donald Trump's micropenis for president, I say. 

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4. Produce free pizza 

Sure, semen is important in terms of the whole "making more people" side of things. But there is no denying that is also messy as hell. Anyone who has ever avoided the wet spot after a bang session knows exactly what we're talking about. 

Just think about how great it would be if during recreational sex, men could ejaculate entire pizzas! STDs would be a thing of the past! Unwanted pregnancies wouldn't be a concern, and post-coital snacks would be absolutely free. 

5. Give them superiority as a gender 

Okay look, I gave you the pizza one because I knew I'd be writing this one next, and I knew this one would be a little bit (okay a lot) dark. 

If some men (including prominent members of our government) had their way, the fact that they HAVE penises would make it clear to the world at large that they are the superior gender.

A lot of men already walk through the world thinking that just because they've got external genitalia, they reserve the right to control women's bodies and lives. 

There are many men who don't feel this way, and it's their responsibility to speak up, speak out, and keep men with penises being people we love and not people we fear.