An Open Letter To Jon Hamm's Penis

Photo: WeHeartIt
Jon Hamm's penis

Get over here, you lovable scamp!

Dear Jon Hamm's Penis,

It feels so formal to call you Mr. Jon Hamm's penis, I feel so much closer to you than that? You look like a Waldo. Can I call you Waldo? I'm going to call you Waldo.

Well Waldo, you're back in the news again, making an unfettered appearance inside of Jon Hamm's pants. While going to get a cup of coffee in Los Angeles, it seems you convinced Mr. Hamm to once again leave his underwear at home and let you, his magnificent penis, flap in the breeze. 

Thank you for that.

I remember the first time I saw you, Waldo. "Surely that thing cannot be real," I said to my friends as we examined paparazzi photos from 2013 where the immensity of such as penis as you, Waldo, seemed impossible. I was sure you were a trick of the light, a photoshopped goof, an awkward crease in the fabric.

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But as more and more photos of the member known to everyone but me as "Jon Hamm's penis" continued to emerge, I began to understand: You were real, and you were tremendous. 

Many people criticized Jon Hamm for not wearing underwear. This never bothered me. A penis as sizable and merry as you are, Waldo, must be given room to breathe. I can only imagine how you must have suffered, entangled in boxers, suffocated in briefs. 

I am sure you loved all of this attention (what penis wouldn't?) and I wanted to comfort you when I read in an issue of Rolling Stone how furious Jon was that you seemed to be receiving so much attention. He said this to the magazine: 

"They're called 'privates' for a reason. I'm wearing pants, for f***'s sake. Lay off. I mean, it's not like I'm a f***ing lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my c***, I feel like that wasn't part of the deal. But whatever. I guess it's better than being called out for the opposite."

But we both know the truth, Waldo: that son of a bitch was just jealous.

Because sure, Jon Hamm is handsome, and yeah, he can do some pretty good acting, but you know what he can't do? He can't capture a nation's attention by just existing inside a pair of pants. That's all you, Waldo, and I for one applaud you for it.

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For years and years, women in Hollywood (and like, everywhere else) have had their own anatomies scrutinized. No actress would dare speak up the way Jon did if she tuned into a morning news show to find out that her breasts were the subject of fierce debate. 

I thank you, Waldo, for helping Jon Hamm to better understand the plight of women, and for being pretty damn sexy all at the same time. 

I was so glad to see you back on my computer screen this week. I knew it meant great things. You are taking back the spotlight. With Mad Men long gone and his career in a bit of a holding pattern, now is the time to bulge in his khakis like you have never bulged before. 

This is your hour, Waldo.

Shine on. 


Rebecca Jane Stokes