The Dirty Talk Guys NEVER Want To Hear In Bed (Like, Ever!)

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How NOT To Dirty Talk

There are some things you should just NEVER say.

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, ”Is the word “penis” a buzz-killer during dirty talk? What other words/phrases should be avoided?”

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): 

Penis penis penis penis penis! It’s just such a funny word, isn’t it? Penis! And laughter is not exactly the response most people are going for during dirty talk.

Instead of saying “Your penis is so hard” try saying “You are so hard.” We can usually figure out what you mean. Rather than saying “I want your penis inside of me” try saying “I want YOU inside of me.” Basically substituting the word “you” for penis will always work. Let’s face it, you already think we ARE our penises anyway.

Here are some tips to keep sexy talk sexy:

  • “You make me so wet” is sexy. “You make me so moist” is disgusting. Never say this. Ever.
  • Saying my name in a soft sensual voice is hot! Saying your ex-boyfriends name is just not cool .
  • “Spank me!” can be a huge turn on if timed right. “Choke me, punch me, gag me etc” typically is confusing and can lead to a 911 call.
  • General rule of thumb: say what comes naturally and it will probably be OK. Unless what comes naturally to you involves animals, diapers and motor oil, you might want to practice in front of a mirror for a bit.

Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): 

Yes. In fact, all anatomically accurate words should be avoided. Referring to our “glans” or “member” will only remind us of shameful sex ed, or, if we’ve been really unlucky, visits to the hospital. Also off-limits are comical, childish names — talk about our “wiener” or “boner” and we’ll see the school bully when we look at you, playground taunts ringing in our ears.

At the other end of the spectrum are the kind of graphic descriptions used by porn stars: “fuck stick”, “rod”, any meat-related metaphors. We’ve seen what those guys are packing, and aren’t going to be flattered by comparisons.

Actually, it’s probably easier to list the safe words for the ol’ chubby (another no-no): “cock” and “dick”. Established, appropriately aggressive, with no dodgy connotations. And that’s it. Trust us — dirty talk is no time to get creative with a guy’s… dick.

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): 

Yes, a complete buzzkill. Also buzzkills: “yeah, fondle my gonads”, “oooh, my vagina is on fire right now," “that’s it, tickle my perineum” and “yeah daddy, that’s your vulva, all yours.” Avoid at all costs.

This article was originally published at Em & Lo. Reprinted with permission from the author.