I Ordered Red Lipstick And Got A Penis Instead

Photo: Tumblr
penis lipstick

Definitely cannot reapply in public.

I spend most of my days thinking about beauty and thinking about sex

That's because I'm a writer, and most of the time I'm writing about beauty (as a construct, or like, which foundation to buy) or I'm writing about sex.

There's almost never an intersection between those thoughts.

I mean, unless you count the time I put blush on my boyfriend to see how it would look (verdict: adorable) and then later we had sex and I had to close my eyes to keep from staring at his sparkling pink cheeks. 


I love buying makeup online. 

Because I'm not a millionaire, I buy most of that makeup using apps like Wish, which sell low-cost items direct from China. 

(I know, I know, I will ponder the ethical ramifications about this later, and by later I mean when I can afford to shop exclusively at Sephora for ethically produced, American beauty products, mkay?) 

One of the things I love the most about using Wish is that usually by the time the make I've ordered arrives, I have forgotten I've ordered it.

Each delivery is like a cheap, cheap Christmas morning.

Today I was over the moon to see that a small package from Wish arrived. 

I ripped it open and quickly figured out (in spite of the kind of vague nonsensical language on the packaging) that it was the bright red matte lipstick I'd been waiting for with baited breath. 

I took the tube out of the package, took off the lid and was hit with a perfectly red lipstick...


Let me be clear. 

I know penis lipstick exists. 

I feel like I've probably even written about it or other penis-inspired makeup products. 

Maybe even for this very site....

But because I'm a 33-year-old grown ass woman, I don't have much call for brandishing penis-shaped makeup products in public places.

I'm not a prude, but if I'm going to put a penis in my mouth, I'm going to put an actual penis in my mouth ... not just paint my lips with one, you know?

I checked the receipt and the original post on the site and sure enough, nowhere did it indicate that I would be receiving a penis-shaped lipstick.

If you sent this lipstick unknowingly to your mom would be a problem. But because this lipstick was headed for me, the mistake was just absolutely weirdly delightful.

It's like a sign that the universe wants me to talk about dicks more. 


And I am taking that sign! 

Today, penis lipstick. 

Tomorrow, who knows? A penis hairbrush perhaps? A penis totebag? 

How many other options are there out there for a girl who wants to embellish her life with the life-giving image of the male phallus?

There's only one way to find out, and that's by shopping one's heart out. 

Something I'm going to start doing RIGHT NOW.