It's Not That She 'Won't Let Herself Go,' It's That You Suck In Bed

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It's Not That She Won't Let Herself Go-YOU'RE Bad In Bed

In fact, YOU may be the one with a “control issue.”

Let me tell you about an obnoxious conversation I had last night:

I'm hanging out at a bar. It's karaoke night and I'm having a blast. But eventually, it's 1 AM and I've GOT to go home. So this guy I've hung out with a few times say he'll walk to my car.

Fast forward about two minutes and this guy is in the middle of his "psychoanalysis" of me. Apparently, I "thrive on loneliness" and I'm "probably too much of a control freak to let him give me an orgasm." I guess I was supposed to be impressed?

If you knew me, you'd know exactly how comical his little assessment was. What isn't comical, though, is his common refrain, which I've heard way too many guys sing:

"She couldn't have an orgasm with me because she was a control freak."

"It's too bad she couldn't let herself go and truly enjoy herself."

Sorry to burst your bubble, boys, but I've got some bad news: It's not that she's a control freak. It's that you're bad in bed.


First of all, the fact that you think the female orgasm is a simple matter of "letting go" reflects a major misunderstanding of/disconnect from said orgasm. If you want women to rave about your sexual prowess, go educate yourself!

Second, if you're so focused on her imaginary "control" issues, you're probably ignoring her actual wants and needs. I mean, dude. If she's naked in a bed letting you penetrate her, don't you think she's pretty much let herself go?

It's not about "control" at this point. It's about building trust and comfort with each other. If you're only just getting to know each other, she might be worried what you think about her body, wondering if you truly do love her flaws and imperfections. She may be worried about making sure you feel good and figuring out what you like.

Does that sound like a "control" issue to you? If so, you must have a pretty low emotional intelligence. If not, just accept some things take time. Chill. You can't control how comfortable she feels with you. You know?

Let's go back to the "ignoring her needs" thing real quick. Another obnoxious thing I've seen a lot of men do is reduce women to a series of if/then statements. We're not algorithms — and we're not all clones of each other, either.

Just because you had wild success doing that thing with your tongue in your last relationship doesn't mean this woman is into it. She might think it's really weird. Or it might just feel like nothing to her.

If you're not sure what this woman likes, ask her. Talk about it. Experiment with a bunch of different things and pay attention to her breathing and body language. Or (again) ASK HER.


Another mistake you might be making is pressuring her to "perform" her pleasure. You're all, "Oh, you didn't orgasm! Just let yourself go! Just do this! Just do that! I've got you ALLLLLL figured out!" Guess what, though? That kind of feedback? It makes people feel like they need to "perform" their pleasure for you. It makes them worry if they "look like" they're enjoying it enough. And that makes it basically impossible to orgasm.

Finally, I'm no psychoanalyst but have you considered that you might be projecting your control issues onto her? I mean, maybe she prefers manually stimulating herself while you penetrate her. Maybe she has meh (or no) orgasms with penetration alone, but she has these hugely explosive, amazing ones when she adds a little finger action. Maybe you should just accept that she likes what she likes, instead of trying to control what she likes.

Maybe instead of trying to control how she expresses her pleasure and satisfaction, you should be supportive and non-judgmental. Maybe instead of sticking to your limited repertoire, you should let go of some control and let her drive.


You can't control her. You can't control what makes her feel good. You can't control how comfortable she feels with you or how much she trusts you. The only thing you can control is your understanding of the female orgasm.

I said it before. I'll say it again. Go educate yourself. Ian Kerner's She Comes First is a great first step.