The Difference Between Having Sex Drunk Vs. Sober

Photo: unsplash / matheus ferrero
What Happened When I Learned How To Have Sex Sober

It's a whole different experience having sex without drugs or alcohol.

I'm not sure I actually realized that I had never had sex sober until the first time I was about to do it. It hit me like a thunderbolt. I was about to have sex without any mental lubricant.

I'm talking about those things we do sometimes do ease ourselves into intimate moments. Maybe a glass of wine, a shot of liquor, or perhaps a little smoke of something. No big deal right?

Except if you find yourself doing these things every time you have intimate relations with another person — it kind of is a big deal.

Self-medicating during sex is a very real and normal thing for many people. It used to be my go-to aphrodisiac. The reasons for this behavior could be as simple as wanting to lower inhibitions. The reasons could also be more serious such as escaping from past sexual trauma.

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Whatever the reasons are, it's fairly safe to say that if you've never had sex completely sober, you may have some issues to work out. I came to this conclusion when it happened to me.

So how was sober sex?

It was different. I was obviously more aware of what was going on with my body. I was more insecure because I didn't have that awkward edge taken off like I usually did.

When you're drunk or intoxicated by some other drug, sex is more blurry, sensual, and free. When you're sober, it's hesitant, alive, and raw. It definitely takes some getting used to.

The moment I realized things with my partner at the time were progressing without us consuming even one drink, I freaked out in my head. I didn't think I could do it. I thought for sure I'd never reach orgasm.

But I was surprised. The sex was good — really good. After 10 minutes or so, I could feel every part of me which was something I thought I didn't want. I thought I needed to get out of my head in order to have amazing sex. Not so, it seemed.

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Sober sex ended up being quite fantastic. I was more alert, less sleepy, and way more energetic in bed.

Energy. Who knew.

For years I had thought that being intoxicated was helping my sex life, when in fact, it was probably dulling it to an extent. Many times I couldn't even remember much of what went on the night before which can't be good.

So what did I learn?

That having sex sober can be frightening for someone who's never done it. That the reality of sober sex is more enjoyable than you might think. I believe there are people out there who regularly get intoxicated before sex. I believe each one of those people has a reason for it. No judgment. But give sober sex a try sometime. It's an awakening.

Did I end up reaching orgasm?

Yes. And I really felt it.

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Michelle Zunter is a Canadian-turned-American living, loving, & writing in California.You can read Michelle's lifestyle blogs about love, sex, relationships, marriage, divorce, parenting, step-parenting & much more at The Pondering Nook. You can also listen to Michelle co-hosting at The Broad's Way Podcast discussing similar topics.