I Went Undercover On A Dating Site For Trump Fans And WHOA

TrumpSingles online dating for trump fans

Find someone you love and build a wall to keep Mexicans out TOGETHER.

Online dating isn't easy. This isn't a revelation. 

I have an idea. Let's play a fun game. Which one of the following did not happen to me courtesy of online dating:

a.) A date plunged his hand down the back of my jeans by way of saying "hi, pleased to meet you". 

b.) I received an unprovoked message that read "you are unattractive". 

c.) So many dick pics. 

d.) A guy invited me to a bar and talked all night about his sexual attraction to Roomba, his robotic vacuum. 

e.) All of the above and so, so, so much more. 

Yeah. It's E. 

Suffice to say that where online dating is concerned, I'm a pretty jaded bird. 

I used to write about my experiences with online dating all the time. I only stopped when I realized it was essentially mocking someone at their most vulnerable. Yes, it might be irritating when a dude sends you a message that just says "hey" ... but does that give me any right to belittle him with screen grabs on social media? No. He's trying.

We're all just trying.

Of course, that was before I learned about TrumpSingles.

Yup. It's exactly what it sounds like: a dating site for folks who are passionate about Trump, America getting great again, and probably the construction of giant walls.

If someone is willing to pay $5 a month to subscribe to a dating site where they are guaranteed to only meet people who support a bigoted, woman-hating sentient Cheeto running for office, they deserve exactly what is coming to them. 

I began by creating my profile.

I noted that the website itself seemed pretty janky. This was mildly surprising given that the site is the brainchild of a reality TV producer. You'd think he'd get how important appearances are. (No rose for you, dude.) 

I used a photograph of myself from last July 4th. I'm wearing an American flag bandana and saluting coyly.

I kept my "about me" section simple, quoting the most memorable Toby Keith lyrics I could find. I felt it was important to be direct and clear about my passions: America and kicking ass. 

I was mostly truthful with my other details. I did claim to enjoy "sports" ... but only because that felt in keeping with the character I was creating. I was fully prepared to shame any man who approached me with a love of soccer.

Clearly such men were communists from Europe. 

I was pleased/horrified to quickly see my matches come rolling in.

My top match with 100% compatibility was apparently a bald eagle from Wisconsin named Bradley.

His about me revealed him to be the kind of emotionally unavailable hottie I usually fall for.

"I will probably never love you," he wrote "as much as I love America."

I appreciated his honesty but opted not to message him. Some eagles need to fly free. 

Before I had time to become wistful, I received a message from a man named Adam "America" Smith.

It read, "can you guess what kind of legal, 100% American made firearm I've got in my pants right now?"

I could only assume he meant his penis, but decided to play coy. "An AR-15?" I queried in response. 

As I settled back to await his reply, Bradley the aloof and dispassionate American Eagle sent me a "wink".

What did this mean? Are eagles known for winking? I ignored it and sent a few other messages. 

Andy, a man whose profile picture featured him grinning next to a human skull, was also a top match for me.

I respect anyone willing to ignore the nascent fear every woman has that the man she's talking to online might be a serial killer, so I reached out.

"Andy," I said, "according to TrumpSingles.com we are 100% compatible. I hope," I concluded "that you aren't a freedom hating Muslim. Lol." 

Further down on my list of matches was the actor Jamie Dornan. I mean, obviously it was not Jamie Dornan, but the idea that one of Hollywood's elite sexy Irishmen might be on TrumpSingles.com piqued my interest. So I wrote to him: 

"Are you really Jamie Dornan?" I asked. "Because I don't much cotton to immigrants."

At the time of writing, no response from Jamie Dornan has been forthcoming. 

There aren't many users on the site, well under 10,000, and I suppose that should be reassuring.

From scrolling through profiles, I would say the site is comprised of 50% internet reporters looking for a story, 40% white male neocons desperate to get their dicks wet, and 10% very earnest white women looking for someone to start a life with.

In short, it ain't that different from any other dating site. 

So if you're looking for a not very diverse, difficult to use, online dating experience where your payments are processed by an PayPal shop called "Patriotic Investments," TrumpSingles.com might be the dating site for you.

Word is still out as to whether or not I accidentally supported Trump's campaign by paying for access to this site. You'll know if it turns out I did by the earth-shattering shriek you will hear pierce the air.