Can You Pull Off The Perfect Kiss?

tentative kiss

A tongue in cheek overview of the different types of kissers. Which one are you?

When I was a teenager, I believed all I had to do was find the perfect kisser, and he would be the man of my dreams. I learned this was a fallacy when the best lover I ever had turned out to be a lousy kisser. He was amazing at oral sex, but it was precisely this talent that made him so bad at kissing. Since I don't have a clitoris on my face, the kind of tongue action I want down there is overkill in my mouth.

It's enormously disconcerting to find out you can make great love together and, yet, feel very awkward when you kiss. I would like to have permission to train my lover to kiss me just right. Then, he could train me to kiss him just right, and we could take turns pleasing each other. To date, I haven't had the guts to try this. How do you tell a guy his kisses need improvement? Even worse, how do you hear from him that your kisses leave something to be desired? How To Kiss Well

One guy actually gave me instructions in the middle of a tonguefest, and it completely derailed me. Suddenly, I was thinking too much and just wanted to say, "Forget it then, and just hand me the remote."

Of course, having to train someone is already a compromise. What you long for is someone who instinctively kisses you perfectly, and who also loves every nuance of your technique. And yes, I have experienced that miracle of miracles... with men who are married, unable to commit and completely wrong for me, unfortunately.

Over the course of my smooching, it's come to my attention that there are several different types of kissers. Here's my list, though it is in no way comprehensive:

The Hound Dog. You know this one. He's sloppy, overzealous and all tongue. You get the feeling that he would lick your face all over if only you'd let him. He's the kind who requires tissues to catch the drippings... and perhaps a leash.

The Lock Jaw. This guy is the opposite of the Hound Dog. He's all lips, with his mouth shut as tight as a drum. If it weren't for his filthy bathroom, you'd swear he was a germaphobe. Kissing a guy like this can give your tongue a muscle spasm as you try to pry open his mouth or sneak your way inside. But even if you showed up with a crowbar, he'd never take the hint. What Does A Kiss Mean? 9 Kisses Decoded

The Snake. Is that a tongue in your mouth, or a boa constrictor? This is the guy whose tongue goes into a manic attack at the first sign of kissing. It's all over the place—writhing, swinging, twisting, performing a Cirque du Soleil act in your mouth. And trying to keep up with his high wire act is more logistically exhausting than having sex standing up.

The Deep Throat. This is a relative of the snake... except that, this time, it's more like a plumber's snake. Suddenly, a Hulk-sized tongue takes your mouth hostage, plunging down your throat, determined to taste your uvula. Your own tongue braces against the bottom of your mouth or slams against your cheek for protection. Is this a kiss or a break-in? Next date, just cover your mouth with police tape.

The Soft and Sensual. Maybe I'm biased, but this is the one I long for. This is the guy who works his way up to the deep kiss. Maybe he kisses you on the palm of your hand or the tips of your fingers first—or, better still, that sensitive place on the inside of your wrist. Then he kisses your neck, barely touching your flesh with the tip of his tongue, working his way softly toward your jaw line with his lips rounded and slowly, gently closing. Then he makes his way across your cheek until he finds your mouth. He savors you like expensive wine and patiently tastes your mouth until he feels your whole body sigh. Then he pulls you closer, kissing you with increasing urgency and depth. (Phew! Excuse me while I turn on the fan.)

Of course, I know that people of both sexes have different preferences, and I also know that men complain just as much about women. Maybe some people even prefer the Hound Dog or the Deep Throat, though I've yet to meet a woman who claims to be in that category. Dang, What If I'm A Bad Kisser?

Maybe I was spoiled. My very first kiss at age 14 was with a soft, sensual, instinctual kisser. Of course, back then, kissing was an end in itself, rather than a means to an end. I miss that a bit. If I could find a guy who would sit with me on a big, cozy couch or on the floor in front of a fire, kissing me softly and sensually for at least a half hour, I'd be very happy. And so would he... because after that half hour, I'd also be feeling very generous!

What's your favorite kind of kisser?

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.