The Wrong Kind Of Tantra?


A concerned woman recently wrote to's Miss Information advice blogger wondering what to do with her Tantric sex-loving new boyfriend. It's not that she isn't into him or his sexual proclivity, it's that his methods of denying himself an orgasm were ruining her time in the sack, too.

The confused soul described the experience to Miss Information:

...he'll dump me on the couch during the intercourse, while he scrunches up on the floor in a weird fetal position. Not coming takes so much of his energy that he basically ignores me while we're having sex. I don't know much about Tantric sex, but I am damn sure that's not what it's supposed to be.

From, the definition of Tantra is as follows:

doctrine of enlightenment as the realization of the oneness of one's self and the visible world; combines elements of Hinduism and paganism including magical and mystical elements like mantras and mudras and erotic rites; especially influential in Tibet

One of the misperceptions of the Tantra practice is that it inherently involves sex. Not so. The belief system is so much more about aspiring to a controlled state of mind than it is about sticking to specific rituals. Like so much of Buddhist and Hindu thought (to which Tantra is closely linked), at all times—including during sex—the goal is to be present and "tuned in" to the moment.

As Miss Information's expert explained, incorporating this practice into sex should go a little something like this:

Tantra is not about forcing yourself toward any goal. Men who learn to control (i.e. relax) the smooth muscles of the urethral tract can orgasm without ejaculating. It takes a while and a lot of practice to master this skill — time and practice I always recommend men do on their own, to avoid exactly the unsettling and self-indulgent behavior you're describing.

As one New York City Tantra guru told YourTango, her instruction can seem more like couples therapy than red-hot sex workshop. To start, she tells partners to place their hands on the others' hearts and describe the times they feel most loved or cherished. So, before taking it to the bedroom, try applying Tantra to other parts of your life and relationship—the results could be mind-blowing.

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