New Math For Sexual Accounting

 New Math for Sexual Accounting

You’re breathing heavily, buttons are coming undone, and the temperature is definitely rising when he asks, “So, how many other guys have you “been” with?” What is about men wanting to quantify everything from the number of tools in their garage to sex partners? I avoid this question for the obvious reason:  any answer I give will be wrong. It will also open the door for them to give me their statistics, which is the last thing I care about unless it signals a risk to my health.

If he’s really into numbers, you need to apply the principles of new math before uttering a sound. Here’s the formula that will give you the true answer.

X = S (People you’ve had sex with) – P (pity fucks + stuffies +penises smaller than a cat’s paw)

N = X – ½ W (everyone for whom you can only recall a first or last name.) Subtract 10 for vagrants.)

M = N – A (anarchy sex, i.e., sex you engaged in just to spite “The Man”)

Z= M divided by G (partners who bore an uncanny likeness to Emma Goldman)

If Z  is still longer than your credit card number, higher order concepts are definitely required.

Q = Z divided by H (Holiday sex, which usually involves lots of drinking, despair and generalized loneliness)

R = Q – L (any man who suggested a spit and lard slurry as an appropriate lubricant.)

H = R divided by I (% of men who referred to themselves and/or their penises in the third person, e.g., The Buckmeister is going to make sure that Mr. Grease Monkey shows you a real good time.)

D= H – C ( Clowns). Now this may seem discriminatory, but clowns have a tendency to pull quarters out of your pussy and typically refuse to take off their shoes.)

Round D off to the closest prime number and you’ve got a reasonable answer.

Or, you could just use my response: “Enough to know what I like and have every right to expect.”

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