9 Ways In Which Communism & Condoms Are Alike

condom use

Science tries to figure guys’ aversion to condoms. We use a comparison to Marxism.

Scientists, with their scientific method, logic and love-joneses for Aristotle, really have been good for mankind (and the human race). Theories are fantastic. They do a great job of explaining how something may have happened (like the Big Bang and Evolution). Or how something could one-day work (cold fusion and the flex capacitor). Or even how people should act (manners and social engineering).

ABCNews tells us that the government (the National Institutes Of Health) is dedicating a little better than $400k to figure out why dudes don't like condoms (more accurately, why men don't like using them). It seems pretty much like a question best answered by buying a beer (or a hotdog) for a bunch of dudes at a baseball game and trusting their answers. But science isn't about consensus. Nor is it about opinion. It's about hypotheses, control groups, looking at naked people and theories. Read: My Year of Condomless Sex

But theories have a way of getting screwed up when the rubber hits the road. For instance, as great of an idea as it is to use a condom every single time*, isn't communism even a better idea (in theory)?

Let's compare condoms and communism. Karl Marx invented both during a fit of brilliance in the latter half of the 19th Century**. That doesn't sound right. OK here goes:

  1. They are not for the lazy (or selfish). "But I don't wanna" is often said on a collective farm and right after the arrival of Trojan Man.
  2. Both can cause the downfall of once mighty things. The Romanov Dynasty. Impatient erections.
  3. Each may lead to bitter disputes. The cold war was nothing compared to some arguments over safe sex. The US never pulled the "if you really loved me" card.
  4. They sometimes have messy, unintended consequences. Gulags, Balkanization, used condoms.
  5. They can provide cover for all sorts of faking. We really didn't know what was going on behind that Iron Curtain.
  6. James Bond hates them. So did Tomas from The Unbearable Lightness Of Being. Austin Powers could be convinced, I think.
  7. They're exported by (but not really used by) the Chinese. It's shy, one-party, authoritarian capitalism, ya'll.
  8. They really came into their own after World War II. (Some pun intended.)
  9. Their misuse can lead to some serious problems. See Stalin, Mao and broken-condom babies.

All in all, I'd have to say that I prefer condom use to Communism but both are kind of a bummer when foisted upon you.

*To avoid disease but never for birth control that's what birth control (pills) and/ or coitus interruptus are for.

**He probably only came up with communism, it was likely Friedrich Engels who invented condoms while recovering from a nasty bout of the clap.