11 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Find Exhausting To Be Around
Emotional immaturity can quickly drain your energy.
Standret | Shutterstock Emotional intelligence — characterized by skills like emotional regulation and self-reflection that aid in a person's ability to acknowledge, understand, and cope with emotions — is foundational to general well-being. It not only serves as the basis for healthy relationships, promoting secure attachment styles and connection, it improves mental and physical health by urging people toward stability, authenticity, and self-assuredness.
While emotional intelligence is generally a personal experience, there are many things people with high emotional intelligence find exhausting to be around that affect their relationships and well-being. Whether it's a narcissistic person, a poor working situation, or a failing relationship, these things can quickly drain and sabotage an emotionally stable person's happiness if they're not careful.
Here are 11 things people with high emotional intelligence find exhausting to be around
1. People who talk more than they listen
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Truly emotionally intelligent people understand that there's power in being "the quiet one" in a social interaction, exerting energy and space to behaviors like active listening that help others feel valued, heard, and understood. However, when they're surrounded by people who take advantage of that space — talking more than they listen, interrupting others, and shifting attention entirely toward themselves — it can feel exhausting to engage with.
Like any relationship, conversation, or passing interaction, there has to be a balance of energy between partners, whether that means taking turns with active listening, emotionally supporting each other, or simply feeding into a safe space where each person feels accepted and safe.
2. Chronic complaining
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According to psychotherapist William Berry, people who are chronic complainers, often without little change or action in their lives, generally isolate themselves from other people in every aspect of their lives. It's not only draining to be around people who lack the self-discipline, security, and motivation to make real change, it's exhausting to listen to their constant complaints and negativity without change.
That's not to say that emotionally intelligent people don't complain, but the difference between them and their immature counterparts is the pride they adopt when it comes to personal growth and change.
3. Passive-aggressiveness
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According to licensed therapist Loriann Oberlin, passive-aggressive behavior isn't just detrimental to relationships, sparking resentment and disconnection, it also tends to spark internal turmoil in the person relying on it in conversation and interactions. Whether it's condescending comments or negative body language, passive-aggressive people isolate themselves from healthy relationships by forgoing honesty, reliability, and open communication.
Emotionally intelligent people use these same experiences — communication and trust — to craft their relationships, which is why this is one of the things people with high emotional intelligence find exhausting to be around.
4. Flaky people
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Flakiness doesn't just look like cancelling plans at the last minute or showing up late, it's also falling short on keeping promises, making vague commitments, and being generally unreliable for emotional support and communication.
Flaky and unreliable people can harm relationships and isolate themselves from healthy connections, according to a study from Michigan State University, which is why it's not entirely surprising that it's one of the things people with high emotional intelligence find exhausting to be around. They build relationships based on mutual trust, so feeling like someone isn't committed to a connection or consistent with showing up when they promise to can be disorienting and frustrating.
5. Therapy speak
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Therapy speech — psychological terms and phrases used in everyday life — isn't entirely bad, but when it's used incorrectly to guilt, shame, and manipulate people, it's nothing short of toxic. Especially for emotionally intelligent people, who pride themselves on indulging mental health resources like therapy and genuinely supporting people in their lives, therapy speak in the hands of the wrong people can be frustrating and draining.
Whether it's trying to "set boundaries" in ways that just police other people's behavior, expecting people to be 100% available, or weaponizing insecurities to emotionally manipulate people, therapy speak sabotages healthy connection and relationships.
While it's likely true that an emotionally intelligent person goes to therapy, uses this language, and has a foundation of mental health knowledge to have hard conversations openly, that doesn't mean they're overcomplicating conversations simply for the sake of demonstrating their knowledge. They rely on simple communication, language, and words to truly connect with and understand people, not to guilt them or weaponize their insecurities.
6. Trauma dumping
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Trauma dumping, whether it's online or in person, can sabotage and strain relationships by overlooking the healthy balance in conversations and interactions that's essential for each partner's well-being. It's one of the things people with high emotional intelligence find exhausting to be around because it shifts all attention and energy toward a specific person, oftentimes in the wrong spaces, conversations, and environments.
Of course, they want to support their loved ones and actively listen to a person who needs guidance, but when someone trauma dumps without any concern for other people's comfort, capacity, or relationships, it can feel misguided.
7. People who avoid vulnerability
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People who keep up emotional walls, indulge avoidant behaviors, and avoid taking accountability for their hurtful behaviors generally exhaust people with true emotional intelligence. Not only do these behaviors sabotage connection in relationships, they strain honest and open communication by encouraging one person to take on unrealistic amounts of emotional labor.
For people who yearn for vulnerable connections and meaningful interactions, being around people who intentionally keep things vague and surface-level is frustrating.
8. Superficial connections and conversations
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Small talk, surface-level conversations, and interactions with superficial people with little depth are some of the things people with high emotional intelligence find exhausting to be around.
According to a study from the American Psychological Association, most people generally desire deeper connections and more meaningful conversations in their everyday life, whether it's with their partner, loved ones, or a complete stranger. Emotionally intelligent people have the capacity to indulge this desire, but others — who lack depth, self-awareness, and communication skills — may actively avoid them, despite yearning the connection.
That's why it's so exhausting for people with high emotional intelligence to be around people who lack depth and rely on small talk and superficial connection, because they'd prefer to invest their time and energy into a connection that adds real value and excitement to their lives — making them feel simultaneously heard and understood.
9. Inauthenticity
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Inauthenticity can manifest in a number of ways, from a person seeking external validation, engaging in hobbies for approval, or even crafting routines based solely on comparisons to other people, but regardless of how it's embodied, it's draining to be around.
According to a study from Personality and Individual Differences, being an authentic person isn't just individually beneficial for mental health and general well-being, it also positively influences social connections and other people's perceptions. We're innately attracted to people who live in an authentic way, whether it's following their passions, accepting their quirks, or experimenting with their self-expression.
However, a person who only lives for the praise and attention of others can be incredibly draining to a self-assured person, forcing them to consider other people's perceptions and opinions, rather than internal or interpersonal connection.
10. Sarcasm
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Many intelligent people use sarcasm more than the average person in their everyday conversations, but in a far more effective and healthy way than their emotionally immature counterparts. It has the potential to bond people in social connections, but when it's used to manipulate others or defend against true connection or vulnerability, it's draining to be around.
Even if it's subtle, people with high emotional intelligence can see right through the charade of sarcasm or gossip, pushing them away from conversations and connections with people who overuse it.
11. People who can't be alone
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According to a study from Scientific Reports, being alone and prioritizing solitude in your daily life can have profoundly positive impacts on your general well-being. From opening up space for self-reflection, emotional regulation, and de-stressing to serving as a space for personal interests and passions, leveraging your alone time is powerful.
However, people who don't feel comfortable looking inward, spending time with themselves, or being alone without a distraction may actively avoid alone time. They expect someone to cater to their internal discomfort at all times, even if that means adopting an entitled attitude and pushing their friends to be available 100% of the time.
It's not only unfair to the people in their lives, it's also draining to be around, because these people are forming their identity and personality around time spent with other people, rather than looking inward and cultivating their authenticity.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
